The Single Girls Club

My account was hacked

2010-09-13T11:20:00.001-07:00

Hi,

If you got some weird email from me with no subject line and some obscure link, please do not click on it. My account was hacked this morning. I fixed the problem so you shouldn't get anymore weird emails from me. Well, you may, but they will be intentional. :-)

--

Best always,

Nik

_______________________

nikkiawilliams@gmail.com

909.214.9500

A Moment of Bitchy Indulgence Thanks to Facebook

2009-06-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

I was doing a little late-night Facebook stalking of the guy I used to date. Guess what I came across?! His new chica. I was a little taken aback. You really never want to be confronted with a person you've been with having moved on, but it is inevitable. I saw a girl post something really cheery on his wall. My first thought was that her comment seemed "young". Then I looked at her profile pic, it was of the two of them. There wasn't any kissing or hugging or anything, but what person uses a pic of them and another guy(or girl) if they aren't into them? Exactly. Good for him.

I considered inviting him to my birthday shenanigans. I thought I was being petty inviting all of our mutual friends and not him. Something told me to look at his page before I sent the invite. I'm glad I did...

Its best this way. I start a new year next week and I don't need to bring in left overs from the last.

Nik

Just One of those Days

2009-06-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

Ugh! This day started off with me waking up super early and it was down hill from there. It is very rare that I feel like Scrooge, but today just took the cake. I was(am) in Supreme Restless Bitch mode. I'm feeling stuck and I don't know why. I could sit and analysis my behavior, but I just don't give a fuck. So instead I'm going to unload a few of my pet peeves.

1. Why do people say, "I hate to bother you" or "I'm sorry to bother you" ? If they were sorry or hated to do it, then they wouldn't. It's just a ploy to mollify(I think I used the word correctly) me while I give you what you want. It is so transparent. Stop beating around the bush and ask me for what you want.

2. Why do we(young people) have to sit and over analyze everything nuance of an encounter with the object of our affect instead of doing what's necessary to make things that you want to happen? We're supposed to be fearless, but it seems that we all suffer from a bad case of bitchassness. I'm guilty of this too. So I declare that moving forward, I will drop my bitchassness and start to be the bad ass bitch I know I can be. Who's with me?

3. Why doe we do things that we don't want to just to appease another? Be it friend, loved one or lover? This is the time of out lives to be selfish, within reason of course. Let's live it up and if the appeasement isn't utilitarian-fuck it.

4. Why is it so easy for our friends to have the answer to our problems, but we don't see it? Thus we spend hours crying into our drinks while they try to make us see what they see so clearly. Lesson is to know thyself.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I feel so much better.

Yay for blogging by email!!!

Nik

Ready to go

2009-05-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

Today, I leave for my friend's wedding. At first I was nervous about seeing the Pineapple and hoping he didn't show up all happy with a hot girlfriend. Something in the way he sounded the last time we spoke seemed like there isn't a hot girlfriend lurking in the midst. You never know...

Now I'm nervous because my friend asked me to read a poem at his wedding. I know why he asked, I used to compete in Poetry Interpretation in college. So he's used to hearing me perform a piece. That was for a little plastic trophy, performing this poem is a little different. So I'm going to be nervous until just before I read it and then rock the hell out of it. I seriously do not want to be responsible for fricking up someone's wedding, not even causing a wrinkle in the flow of the plans. Wish me luck...

Success!

2009-05-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

I want to blog more, but I'm usually on my work computer. That's a BIG NO NO at my job. They monitor everything and the scans are random. Anyway, by the time I get home, I am not in the mood to blog. Plus, all of my brilliant thought occur during the day when I'm not at my personal PC. Now that I've discovered this feature, I can write more.

Be forewarned, they may be crazy rants about work, but I'll try to keep it interesting.

I'm so excited I can do this!!! :)

Nik

Uncharted Territory

2009-05-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

Trying to figure out how to blog from my phone.
Nik

The Untouchables.

2009-03-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

I started taking Pilates several weeks ago and my instructor is soooo good looking, I don't know what to do!! I get so stupid around. It's embarassing!! Seriously, it's bad. He has dark hair and eyes, a chiseled jawline(think Clark Kent/Superman chiseled jaw) and THE perfect body. His body is well proportioned, nothing out of place. It's really not fair. Not fair at all. And to top it all off...he has the nerve to be super nice. I'm sure he's gay, because he's too good to be true and therefore out of my reach.

When he signed me up for sessions, of course I recognized that he was cute, but I really didn't think anything of it. I didn't think he's be my trainer for the sessions. Turns out he is and he puts me in the most embarassingly awkward postions and when I tell him the position is awkward, he laughs, smacks my thigh and tells me, "harder". Well!! I only take that type of instruction if there is an orgasm (multiple please) at the end of it. See what he does to me?

In addition to the hottie instructor, there is the hottie guy at work. I think he's adorable too, but because we work together nothing will happen. But, it's so much fun to flirt with him!!

Why are there so many untouchable guys around? I one I can...

The Great Craigslist Experiment of 2009

2009-01-13T05:56:00.000-08:00

Well howdy strangers! Yes, I know it's been awhile but things have been...chaotic for me. Since I've been stricken with a little insomnia, I thought I'd take a moment to update you on what is sure to be a grand adventure.

I've decided to start going out on more dates, for better or for worse. Since the normal means of meeting people hasn't worked and I'm cheap/poor, I thought I'd give putting a craigslist ad up a go. I mean, it's not like I have to answer anybody - they'd just dismiss me as being a bot if they get the silent treatment.

So I put the ad up about a week after New Year's. There was a nice chunk of responses varying from the sweet and sincere to the entirely too vague to the "ew, no" (those immediately got deleted - I specifically said "no creepy guys"). And only one sent a picture of his junk because he wanted to make sure I'd be willing to look past it and get to know him for him, not use him for what he claims is a sizable unit. 1) If you don't tell me you have a big little friend, I wouldn't know therefore you wouldn't have to worry about that; 2) Seriously? Does that work for you, dude? Is that an effective way to pick up chicks?; 3) Junk portraits get automatic disqualification status.

At any rate, I'm trying to be more open so, to be fair, I decided to go out with some guys even though I don't necessarily feel drawn to them. With that in mind, I've gone out on five dates - nothing big, just coffee because it's a neutral site and no pressure there. Two I didn't really feel anything for at all; one is nice to talk to but I think a little too old and hopefully he won't try to kiss me when we hang out again; one who things seemed to be going well with but then he dropped off the face of the earth; and one who I've gone out with twice now - once for coffee (though neither of us drink it) and once for a walk in the park. I like talking with Park Guy and he's very gentlemanly but I'm not feeling that spark, you know? It could be because I keep thinking how I have to upgrade him - he needs a better hair cut and his clothes don't fit him well enough (though that could be because I keep catching him on his way back from work and he has to move around a lot). Yes, I'm a bit shallow. Who isn't?

I'm trying to set up a couple more coffee get-togethers this week. One guy is a little suspicious in that I can't tell if he's a wigger or just kidding in the picture he sent and I'm afraid to ask. He's special. There's also an Italian guy, a French guy I'm not sure I should respond to (for no reason other than he's not in the country yet), a Scotsman (who cute enough but I'm counting on there being an accent to help up the quotient), a mixed dude, and two others that may be looming in the picture.

Busy busy busy. I'll keep you updated if you're interested...lol

Boys! I'm surrounded by boys!

2008-12-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

My sister and I went to each other's Holiday Parties this past weekend. I work for a software company and my sister a law firm. Her party was so much more fun than mine. If it wasn't for my Sales guys, I think I might have fallen asleep in my salad. There are no hip people at my company. None. The venue was beautiful, but the atmosphere was frigid and people were trying to act like it was the best place ever. Next year if I'm there, I'm joining the planning committee, cause no. That can never happen again.

With that said, let's get onto Guy #1: He is one of the guys on my floor. One of those athletic, guy's guy. He doesn't take himself too seriously. He knows how to work hard and play hard. He's just yummy. He's totally not my style. He's good-looking, nice body, but just not my style. However, there is this tension I'm feeling when we're together. I've seen him give me the once over more than once. ;) Two problems though, he's 4 years younger than I and we work together. Two big no-no's. So I just enjoy the what-if of him.

Guy#2: I met him at my sister's Holiday Party. The one that was at a cool lounge in downtown LA, with an open PREMIUM SPIRITS bar. 500 people strolling through the place but it doesn't seem crowded. Great music, great food, great atmosphere. Toward the end of the night I'm sitting by myself waiting for my sister to say goodbye to all 500 of them, that girl is networker to her heart. This guy happens to sit next to me. At first he was talking to some people and I don't pay him any mind. Then the people disappeared and he and I start talking. He seemed cute. There was an easy flow of conversation. He was a little lit though, so maybe he was funny because of the liquor. He has a kind of Kal Penn vibe about him. That was cool, but again, not really my type. However, I did give him my phone number. I know I know. Why? Well, because I usually very picky. Not about looks or what the person does (lawyer who is starting his own practice), but just about the feeling I get when I'm around the person. If the vibe is right, I'll take it a step further and give them my number. Besides, I never think a guy is going to call, so it didn't matter to me. Well, he did call. He was sober so the conversation had some ackward pauses. We left off with trying to figure out a time to meet up. He said he was going to be out of town this week and I'm busy the next week (he didn't like that too much), so we'll see.

I'm done with the madness of the past few months, so I'll be writing more often. Also, I have to catch up with all of your blogs. I try to at least keep up with So@, but that little bugger has been busy!

Happy Holidays!!

P.S. Check out Val's Blog, she's traveling South East Asia.
http://valsgreatadventure.blogspot.com/

Not Dead, Just So Damn Busy

2008-10-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hi All - I know its been a while, but it seems that all us SGCs are stupid, crazy busy. I've been dealing with some things, which I'll write about later. I just need to get through it and I'll be able to write about it. No, its not the boy. Although we aren't seeing each other any more. That's another story I'll tell. It was his idea and the reason why makes me more irritated at males than angry. It defies logic. All I have to say is, never give a guy what he wants, apparently it isn't what he wants. I'll let that marinate for a while.

Nik

Dating FAQs

2008-09-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

People at my job speak in acronyms. Its like a foreign language to me. I know its to speed up conversations, save room on documents, but can't a girl get a little depth? (i just had the dirtiest thought, hee hee) Although I can live without TLAs (three letter acronyms) FAQ(frequently asked questions) is one I rather like. So it got me to thinking about FAQs in the dating world.

If there were FAQs people wouldn't have to spend time drinking and commiserating(one must drink when commiserating) with their friends about what it meant when he said they were seeing each other as opposed to dating. Or what does it mean to take things to another level. I know what you all are thinking, what happened to The Guy? Nothing happened. I just thought FAQs in the dating world would be a fun blog post.

I realize I'm not like most girls. I don't think any of us are like the average girl, especially the ladies who read SGC. However, I do think we are lumped along with the fictional average girl. And I think it's time to separate ourselves from the pack, so to speak, and draw a line between the average and the exceptional. What would your FAQ say? Here is mine:

Can we just hang out? Hmm, I'm going to take that as you're just into sport fucking (got the term from this chick at work. I like it better than FWB). Alright, I can hang with that, but know it will be on my terms and my terms only. Also, I won't be sport fucking you for long, 'cuz I am a lady.
Are you in love with me? If you have to ask, then sadly I am not.
Would you have a problem with me getting married, but still having sex with you on the side? Oh, that's a good one. Let me think about that for a minute...still thinking. Really, I can't even think of a better answer to your question than...NO!!!!
Since you don't want a commitment, why don't we sport fuck for the rest of our lives together? Wait, if I agree to that, wouldn't that be sort of like a commitment? There's your sign!
I've never been with a black girl before, would you be my first? Sure, because I have nothing better to do than fulfill someones fantasies. Asshole.
So when you say you really like me, you really mean it? Um, yes. Especially if I let you put my legs over my head. Holla!!!
Did you fake it? Darlin' what's the point of faking it? I'm with you because I've already figured out I wouldn't have to fake it with you.
Would you let me...? I'm up for just about anything if you ask nicely, but I get veto power.

I leave the rest to you all. I'm curious to see what you have to add.

Nik

The 'Girl' Thing

2008-08-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been dressing up for work. By dress up, I mean just that, wearing skirts and dresses. I find when I wear skirts and dresses I'm more feminine and more accepting of help from men. Things like holding the door for me when I don't ask, carrying something semi-heavy, driving. It's like something in my mind clicks on and I'm totally accepting of the fact that I'm a woman,gentle and feminine, and I should be treated as such. That's not to say that I don't feel that way when i wear slacks or jeans, but I do notice a difference with guys. If I'm wearing a cute top, heels and a pair of jeans, I've got to carry my own damn box. But the skirts and dresses seem to bring out the man in the opposite sex. I also notice that it doesn't bother me as much when a guy does something for me that I can do myself. My excuse is that I'm wearing a skirt, I'm not walking that far, lifting that heavy thing, or sitting on the floor. I don't feel like voicing my concern about it diminishes my capabilities in any way. Just a thought I had when I was wearing my cute skirt and cute heels, while I had guy after guy opening doors for me today. ;)

The Talk That Never Was

2008-08-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

I didn't have the "Talk" with the NB (I'm going to have to call him something else as he's not all that new or a boy). I realized I'm not ready for it. Also, I let myself (for a brief second) become like other girls. Asking questions like, where is this going? What do we mean to each other? This is not me, but for a second, it seemed awkward that I didn't over-analyze my relationship with this guy. Luckily before I talked to him, I had a little talk with myself. Something I usually do, but decided to go against nature this time.

Men I take on a case by case basis. I do not lump them all together and classify them as all the same. It's so easy to do. Oh so easy. However, most guys I will give the benefit of the doubt. There are no doubts about the NB, its the benefit of having known him for several months before we started seeing each other. So when I sat down and asked myself where I wanted our relationship to go, I realized I didn't know. I wasn't sure. What I was sure of was that I liked spending time with him. I liked getting to know him. Other than that...I didn't know. I didn't know because of where we are in our lives. I don't know where I want to be next year. Also, I have some serious family issues I'm dealing with that requires me to be more cautious when fully letting someone into my life. Some of my friends think I use it as a cop-out, but I say, "unless you've walked a mile in my shoes...". And that's not to say he couldn't handle it, but why ask him to when I'm unsure?

End result is that I'm going to let it be. I won't force it and enjoy our relationship for what it is right now. I'll let things happen organically. I'm not in a rush and something tells me neither is he.

The other man(men) in my life

2008-08-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've talked too much about the Guy. Now it's time to talk about the other men in my life, the guys I work with. After the debacle at my previous job, my current job is like a breath of fresh air. Instead of there being a bunch of women, now I'm around a bunch of dudes. In college all of my friends were guys, with the exception of my three girls, but they didn't go to my college so it doesn't count. Then the guys in my life scattered to all corners of the earth, literally, and then came the herd of heifers (i say this lovingly). There is something to be said about being in a guy concentrated environment.

The thing about hanging out with guys that I like is that I get to be a loose. Looser than I usually am. ;) With guys there is no pretense. Women have a tendency to sugar coat and present issues with ulterior motives. Guys just tell it like it is. I also respect the lack of endless analyzing that us women are prone to do. I usually go to my guy friends when I want to hear the brutal truth and to my girl friends when I want to hear the truth, but sugar coated.

The Dept scheduled a fishing trip, most of the guys are pretty active and like to do the typical guy stuff. Now for all who know me, fishing is NOT a thing Nik does. However, I'm usually game for documenting shenanigans and trying (almost) anything once. So I got up at 4 am to drive down to the beach so we can set sail by 6. Well, we had to wait for most of our group to get there and didn't set sail until about 6:30am. And they say women are always late. The guys start drinking immediately. I'm thinking, not a good thing to do on a rocky boat, but oh the pictures I will take! There is a galley on the boat and we all start ordering food, and sit down by the cook (it was a small galley) to play poker. After awhile, I started getting sick. The galley didn't have any ventilation, so it got stuffy quick, plus the smell of frying meat. Not a good feeling. I go out on deck and half of the guys are draped over the side of the boat throwing up. Let me tell you that for weeks before the trip, the guys were teasing me about being such a girlie girl and I wouldn't catch any fish and I'd get sick. Yeah, well I was the only one who didn't throw up. After about 4 hours one guys was so bad we needed to turn around and go back to shore. When we got to shore, 8 other guys decided they'd had enough and needed to go home to bed. The rest of us went back out for several more hours and I had a great time. I caught about 4 fish, but could only keep two. The other guys didn't catch a thing. HA HA HA!!! Silly boys.

One of the best things about hanging out with guys is beating them at their own game. I teased them for a solid week after that. Never under estimate the power of a woman! HOLLA!

Nik

Sometimes, I wish was someone different

2008-07-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

I have this problem. It's really bad. I've had it all my conscious life and I just can't shake it. My problem is...I can't lie to myself. I'm sure all of us has a friend who sees things in life a certain way that has you thinking,"is she for real? how did she come to that conclusion?". Sometimes, I want to be that person. I want to be able to lie to myself and love it. Then I won't have to make difficult decisions or own up to my actions. It seems like it would be great! Unfortunately, since I don't lie to myself, I know it isn't for me. Ugh!! Sometimes, I get on my own nerves!!

A few posts ago I said that I hate having 'the talk'. Well now the fact that it hasn't come up is bugging the hell out of me. Yet, when I go over what I want to get out of it, I realize I don't know. I seriously do not what I want from having this talk. After most talks a relationship is defined, expectations are put on the table. Ugh, expectations. Expectations require commitment. I'm not ready to be committed. I'm not saying I can't be. I just haven't met that person I wanted to be committed to. And this is where my relationships start to fall. I don't think dating someone for 4-5 months is a long time. I'm a slow started and I don't feel like I've gotten to know a person long enough to be committed to them. Unfortunately, past relationships have shown me that most guys do think that is enough time to take the relationship to another level or just drop it all together. So now I'm faced with this person I'd like to keep around longer than 4 months, thus the talk. Wish me luck.

I just don't get it

2008-07-02T04:13:00.000-07:00

I celebrated my birthday this past weekend. Good times were had by all. At least that's what the pictures indicate. As I looked through the pictures with my mother(well the ones that were mommy proofed) she kept saying, "what beautiful girls. why are they single again?" I know most of us would react to that question with, "because they want to be", but that's not the case. With the exception of two friends, one who is already in a relationship and another who says she want to focus on her career, my friends want to be in a relationship.

We went to dinner and dancing for my birthday. During the dancing, not one guy expressed an interest in any of the girls, if they did, I didn't see it. Granted, the girls could have gone up to any guy they had an interest in, but let's face it, it's rare for that to happen. So it falls to the guy to make that first move. None did, and my friends are hot. Not she's cute, but she has a great personality. Hot, WITH a great personality. What more could a man ask for, a golden snatch?

I'm reading this book about how men have been devalued and are basically becoming obsolete in society. As women advance, men become stagnate. Sadly, radical feminists(or the misguided feminist) have been so focused on women getting ahead, there wasn't much consideration to who they would relate to when they reached "the promised land." I'm inclined to agree with certain arguments in the book, but when I witness things like last Saturday night, I think, WTF? Unfortunately, we now have guys who say its so hard on them, that they hate rejection and women should shoulder half the responsibility of getting together. So basically women are now supposed to go out bring home the bacon, cook it, birth the babies, take care of them AND see a man, approach him, convince him she's the one for him, THEN take care of his ass too? it's no wonder they are becoming obsolete, they are mitigating their purpose and importance. well, besides the obvious purpose and even then, science is moving so rapidly that we won't need them for that anymore.

This makes me sad. Would I give up the advancement of females just to have more males be men? No. Why should I? How about they man up to the new generation of woman? I mean really.

When to have, 'The TALK'

2008-06-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

oh, 'the talk'.you know what i mean, the talk you have with the person you're dating as to what you mean to them. what is your status in their life. girlfriend? boyfriend? booty-call? what?! i don't like it because i'm one of those weird people who actually means what i say. my word is my bond. if i say i'm going to do something, i will bend over backwards trying to do it(actually, it's kinda easy considering i can literally bend over backwards).

so i've been dating the NB for several months now and neither of us have brought our status to one another. i don't feel it's the right time. i don't know what he's thinking, but several of his friends have classified me as his "girl". he doesn't correct them either way and i don't mind. i like this loosely defined period. i feel like i'm sampling the goods without actually making the purchase (i'm pretty sure i want to buy). i know it is all about timing. when the right time comes, it'll come. i usually wait until i feel it. the times i haven't, guys have left because i was taking too long. well, good riddance. but this guy now? i want to keep him around... but as my boyfriend? again, when should you have, 'the talk'?

This is what happens when I talk to DJ

2008-06-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

It's vulgar, hilarious, and rings true. A little authority works(only in the right setting though).

I Want...

2008-06-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

I want (in no particular order)
1. To live on a tropical island
2. Have a million dollars(i'm not greedy) mysteriously deposited into my bank account monthly
3. Do good works. I'm going to need to do something with the 12 million a year.
4. Travel the world - on a private jet. I hate the lines at the airport.
5. Eat, and stay a size 6 forever
6. Have more time to read my favorite blogs, books, magazines
7. Hang out with the NB more. Our schedules are seriously conflicting right now. Can you say, frustrating?
8. Catch up on all the delicious sleep I'm missing out on
9. The perfect Bellini
10. To plan the perfect party for the last year of my 20s

What do you want?

Catcalls? I say, nay nay!!

2008-06-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

I like to be admired by men just as much as the next girl, but the one of the things that makes me feel like taking a scalding hot shower is catcalls. Male adoration is all well and good, as long as it's done in a way that reduce the woman to a slab of meat and him the ravenous dog ready to gobble it up. Here are some of my most recent catcalls.

1. Last summer I was at Venice Beach with some friends. We were doing the Vendor Crawl, where you look at every vendor's goods and don't buy a damn thing. We approach this one vendor selling paintings of black folks (ala, Good Times), all of a sudden we here this voice shout out, "GOD DAMN!! You are so beautiful!! I know a man who would love to take care of you and treat you like the queen you are!!" I look up and this guy(the artist I guess) was looking at me intently with his hands clasped over his heart. Having an idea who the 'guy' he was talking about is, I ask, "Really, who?" He responds,"Me, girrrlll!" Oh great... Don't get me wrong, the guy wasn't unattractive, just not attractive to me. Especially hollering at me so loud that half of VB can hear you. My friends heckle me. I thank the guy for the compliment and move on.

2. I'm walking from my office building to a restaurant and this man sitting at a bus stop hollers at me from across the street, " Hey Girl, where your man at?!?!" My immediate response was, "At work!" The guy responds, "Well go home and tell him he's a lucky man." Though the holler was a little embarrassing, it was a nice change from the normal catcall.

I'm sure you ladies have experienced some of the same. Share your stories.

Chivalry is soooo dead!!

2008-05-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm a strong capable woman. I'm very self sufficient and independent. I can take care of myself in most situations. However, there comes a time when if I'm struggling with something and there is a male around who can lend a helping hand, I expect his help. Is that so much to ask? I mean really.

I was dropping off a car at the rental car place and I had all this shit in my hands, my laptop bag, gym bag and purse. After I finished settling the bill I needed a ride to the dealership to pick up my car. Remember, I'm struggling with my three bags. Does the Rental Car guy open the car door for me so I can put the bags in the back, or maybe pop the trunk? NO! When we get to the dealership, does he offer to help get the bags out the car? NO!! Does he even gesture in any way to help me with my bags? HELL NO!!! I got out of the car and before I could open the back door, he's putting the car in reverse. WTF???!!!!

I know there is women's lib and women have made great strides in social equality, but DAMN!! Sometimes it's not about gender equality, but more about human decency. I would have offered to help him if the roles were reversed.

Regardless, I don't care how much gender equality there is, sometimes a lady should be treated like a lady. Dumb Fucker. ;)

I don't wanna be a playa no more...

2008-05-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

I went to a party where I was reminded of one of the most awkward situations I had back in college. It was late Friday night after debate practice, an old friend, Jeff, from out of town comes by to see the team and to pick me up for drinks. My new friend, Ben, was there as well. He was also on the team and knew Jeff. Before I go any further, I should tell you that Jeff and I have a bit of an unspoken history. We're cool to this day, but he's like that one guy/girl you can't seem to forget no matter how hard you try.

Ben was one of those guys who I had around to help me forget Jeff. I don't know if he subconsciously knew it, but every time I mentioned Jeff, he bugged out. I got a healthy dose of that drama several months later. Remind me to tell you about the temper tantrum he threw, it was crazy.

We invited Ben to come along to the local restaurant/bar we were going to, but he refused. Jeff and I go to the bar and meet up with some of our mutual friends. Who happens to be there, but another guy I thought would help me get over my infatuation with Jeff. WTF? It was raining men, but not in a good way. And of course Jeff picks up on mood and says, "old boyfriend?" and laughs. Ass. I don't know about you, but I have anxiety of people who have known intimate knowledge of me being in the same room together. I'd rather they didn't have an opportunity to swap stories. I'm just saying.

I was reminded of this episode because of a party I went to several weeks ago. I'm at NB's(the new boy) house party. I happened to arrive early so, no one was really there and I was hanging out with him in his bedroom. After a while, people start coming in the house, so we leave the room. Who is the first person I see as I leave NB's room? None other than NB's neighbor, who I hooked up with 8 months before at another of NB's house parties. Again, awkward. Although I've been over to NB's house several times, I hadn't seen the neighbor since that last party so I kind of put him out of my mind. When he sees me, he says, "I know you!" I was thinking, great, just don't say anything about what happened. Not that I have something to be ashamed of, I'd just rather my business kept private. Plus, I wasn't dating NB when it happened. The neighbor is no longer a neighbor. Really, does NB really need to know?

I need a topic

2008-04-28T20:04:00.001-07:00

I have writer's block. Nothing interesting is going on in my life and I must have blocked out the more interesting parts of my past. I need a topic. Any suggestions? Questions? I usually have a lot to say, but right now...nothing. Help a girl out.

No Touchy!

2008-04-26T04:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've been absent from the blog for a looooooong time but I've been stupid busy (more on that later). But I really have the need to vent right now.

So my and my sister go out tonight and make two stops - #1: The show for a band a friend plays in (not Seb, another guy) for his birthday; #2: A bar near my house that we adore where there is dancing on the weekends.

The second stop wasn't planned but it's so close to home, we thought we'd roll by and check it out. Walking up the block to get to the bar, this drunk dude told us that he loved us and thought we were pretty in Spanish while rolling a handmade cigarette. Which would've been sort of charming had it not been for the whole rolling action.

Then, on the way in, this short, rotund dude I'd never, ever date decided it was a good idea to grab my arm and say, "You would get here just as I was leaving."

My response? Pulling my arm away and giving him a look that most likely said, "Bitch please."

We only stayed for about 10 minutes and decided we were much too tired to stick around and, on the way out, Dude I'd Never Date #2 decided it was a good idea to grab my elbow to get my attention. I glanced at him and pulled my arm away and guess what? He just grabbed at my elbow some more. I think he might've been saying something but I honestly can't recall. I yanked my arm away (which now felt dirty), looked at him like he was crazy and kept walking.

I. Fucking. Hate. That.

I'm still kind of pissed off about it, actually. I've talked about The Grabber before. I've never been a fan but it hasn't happen in so long that I forgot just how much I hate it. And sweet buttery Christmas, it happened TWICE in a 10 minutes span!

Look, if I'm leaving or you're leaving, whatever the fuck, don't grab me. I don't know about you but I've been trained to instantly be prepared to defend myself if a stranger grabs me from out of nowhere. Unless I turn around and it's The Rock or Jensen Ackles, all you're doing is setting yourself up for a dirty look at best, physical assault at worst. And I don't know a single woman that particular move works on, do you?

So, my bit of advice in the wee hours of this Saturday morning is, if you're really interested in talking to a girl, take the time to tap her on the shoulder or say excuse me or say excuse me while gently taking her hand or square dance in front of her or almost anything other than laying your paws on her. Because immediate disqualification. Or immediate knee to the groin.

Let Me Upgrade You...

2008-04-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

I've been entertaining the thought of someone for the past few weeks. I like this period in the relationship (?) when you haven't defined what you are yet, but you're open to the possibility of more. It's like wading into the ocean, you start with your toe and work your way up. When you're fully immersed, that's when you've decided that it's for the long haul. Well, I'm about calf-deep. The water feels pretty nice and I think I might stay in long enough to see how nice it can get.

The New Boy (L) isn't so new. I've known him for about a year. Several months ago I started to realize that I was attracted to him and just recently we started seeing each other. Right now he's a breathe of fresh air. I don't know about you ladies (or guys), but I always come into contact with guys who feel the need to challenge me. These guys are constantly looking for some chink in my armor. I hate it! L isn't that way. He's confident in who he is enough not feel threatened by the fabulousness that is Nik. :) I adore this quality.

Here's the thing I don't like, his pillows. I know it's stupid, but I like a fluffy pillow and I think everyone should have them. I thought about it so much I almost went out and bought him two new fluffy pillows. I knew of a department store sale so I figured it would be cool. But I stopped myself. I'm not this man's girlfriend or his mother. If I start down this path, I'll be changing every other thing I think needs a little upgrading. I say upgrade because I don't want his core to change, but there are some qualities about him that I see need a little spit shine. What is it about us women that when we get something new we have to customize it to our liking? Why can't we just leave it alone and enjoy it for what it is?

What Happened to Nik?

2008-04-12T13:32:00.001-07:00

About a month and a half ago, I quit my job. I didn't have another lined up, I just got fed up with my bitch ass boss and said, "PEACE". When I say bitchass, I mean straight up certifiable Bitchassness . All the single girls here know about the story so I will not rehash it. Suffice to say, I have never met a bigger bitch ass mother fucker in my life! And I am secure in the knowledge that the person who replaces me will not fill the position as well as I did. Oh well fucker! That's what you get for not recognizing a gem when you had one!

Moving on. Now I have a much better job. Having only been there two weeks, things seem promising. However, my sleep schedule is all fucked up and I've been too tired to do anything but come home and crash. And see the New Boy. That's another story for another day. I haven't decided if I want to tell it yet.

I'm off to catch up on all the blogs I've missed.

Nik

Inspired by DJ

2008-04-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

DJ and I had a conversation about men (as usual) and what she was saying made me think of this clip. Obviously I'm a fan of Chris Rock. I can't help it if the man makes sense to me. Enjoy.

Knowledge is Power - Listen!

2008-03-28T05:57:00.001-07:00

That Girl

2008-03-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

We’ve all seen her. That girl in the club/bar/grocery store/wherever walking around with her ass cheeks hanging out of what I’m guessing is supposed to be a skirt. She’s the girl who I can't help being totally annoyed by...but even still I hate hating this chick because no matter what logical reason I have for thinking she’s absolutely ridiculous, if I make any sort of comment about the lack of clothes and exposed body parts, I’m immediately lumped into the category of being a “hater” or “jealous" - which of course, is entirely not the case. It's not a case of being a hater at all, but hating what she's portraying and what message she's putting out there for all to see.

While I’m definitely pro-fashion-choices and people being who they are without apology, I really get irked by women who choose to dress like total hoochies. I personally feel there is a fine line between being ultra-sexy and just plain tacky. When I think of sexy women I think Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba – do these women let it all hang out in a pair of spandex leopard print pants and cleavage up to their necks? Definitely not.

I think women who dress like superskanks make it harder on the rest of us. These women are so obviously serving themselves up on this “please, objectify me” platter that leaves Dickhead Joe Schmo thinking we’re all like that and that we actually welcome (or enjoy?!) being attacked in a driveby ass grab or “accidental” boob graze. It’s happened to the best of us and it’s really just plain nasty.

What also bothers me is that guys actually pay attention to these girls. While I admit that I can’t help but look (often in horror), I’m guessing my male friends aren’t looking in disgust, but probably more in LUST. So my question for the boys is – what is the intrigue? I mean, I know (most) of you would never actually consider taking a girl like this home to mom (I’m being real glass-half-full here), but what makes you go ga-ga over these skank-a-nators? It leaves the nice - and often more fully dressed girls - ignored and wondering what the fuck is going on.

So shed some light!

Inspired by DJ

2008-03-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

A little funny for the end of the week.

Coffee and The Ex

2008-03-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

"Hi there, long time no talk"

Oh, is it that time already? The bi-annual "check in" from The Ex? My, time does fly. It seems only yesterday I was reading an awkwardly-penned email asking if I'd like to "grab coffee and catch up," the first post-breakup correspondence we'd had since the demise of our 2 year relationship 5 months earlier. We had coffee, it was nice, we went our separate ways with a "let's keep in touch" from him and an "ummhmm" from me. It was pleasant, cordial, with splash of Familiar and Comforting thrown in to confuse me. But I still walked away with a lingering sense of Things Left Unsaid. So when the little gchat window popped up on my computer screen yesterday with a request for Coffee Round 2, I felt that familiar urge to let him know exactly what I think of him and his appallingly tactless breakup manners.

Long story short, the breakup didn't go well. It wasn't a battle of epic proportions, it wasn't a tragedy, it wasn't World War III. It just didn't do justice to me, or to our relationship. Things could have been said differently, handled better. To skip the tedious details (unless you want to hear them), when all is said and done -- I don't feel particularly charitable in the post-breakup Friendship department. At the risk of sounding like I have an over-inflated ego, I don't really know if he deserves my friendship. There I said it.

But I've reached a point where I want to let go of the bitterness and resentment. As a friend said, it only holds me back from moving on to bigger and better things (and something about soup?). For my emotional health and wellbeing, it's time to let go. But does forgiving mean forgetting? Does letting go involve me getting some things off my chest? Have I passed the expiration date for speaking my piece? Is it even worth it?

For those of you who know me, I can be a trifle stubborn at times. -cough- Ok I can be a stubborn ass. I hold grudges, I feel things deeply and don't easily forget when I've been wronged.

This forgiveness business is going to be tricky ...

Thank You. Now Can You Do It Again?

2008-03-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

I love the girls who read our blog. However, I am a red-blooded heterosexual woman and I'm wondering where the boys are? Do I have to write a scathing post about the many deficiencies of the male sex? If that's what will unearth you, I will. Try me. ;)

I have a question. When do you let the freak out when getting busy on the regular with a guy ( i really need to stop watching BET, but i feel the need to support my misguided people)? I'm just curious. Would it scare them away if you wanted to be more aggressive? Should you follow the lead? I know that it takes some time to get to know the other person and how you work together. Yet, sometimes don't you feel the need to throw him down and ...

For all their talk of women being more aggressive in making the first move, I think it's a lie. I think they'd run for the hills if a girl really laid her cards on the table and told him to strip. Hee Hee.

Again, I need a big drink

I just need to feel you on top of me

2008-03-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I've had it. I've been in this phase where I think I want a relationship of substance and depth, but the thought makes me cringe. I don't know why, I'm just very stuck in my ways and not willing to compromise right now. Thus, I'm not in a relationship or looking for one. I'm fine with this. Except for one thing.

I need, want, desire, hunger for some loving. I'm seriously frustrated, but I'm not into the casual thing. Nor, do I want to start a relationship just because I want sex on the regular. Nothings worse than dating a guy that the only reason you want him around is to have sex with him. So, I'm frustrated. I'm not happy. And this is affecting my wallet. Since I can't satisfy one urge, I've satisfied another.

I've been shopping. Shoes, purses, clothes. Mmmm. Though this does make me happy, I'm pretty sure I'd be happier with....

I need a big drink.

Historic Election - Unique Position

2008-02-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

The 2008 race to presidency is one of the most historic elections in our country. For some in the United States, the most historic election. Now that I'm out in the workforce, seeing where my tax dollars are going and looking for ways to make a difference, I'm more involved in the political process. Although I've voted in every election since I turned 18, it's never felt like the possibility of major change after an election. I've never felt like I would be greatly disappointed if the election didn't go the way I voted. Of course there is disappointment, but now... There will be a sense of apathy towards the electoral process. I find myself in a position I hoped would come, but somehow, it snuck on me. An African American and a woman are among the viable presidential candidates to run in the November elections. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. This holds significance for me because I am an African American woman. Plus, I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend a long time ago. Who should achieve equality first in our country, women or minorities? She felt it should be women.

It's easy for her, as a Caucasian female, to say that women have it the hardest in our society over minorities. That's her view of life. However, she was adamant with me when I brought up any counter-arguments to her claim. Her argument was that through equality for women, it would then be easier for minorities to achieve it. She felt that women were the bigger victims(her words, not mine) of societal rules. I couldn't agree. When I looked at my past, family, and culture, the women are not victims. Granted, I haven't made a case study of all African American women, but the ones I've been around would not like you calling them a victim. They'd give you a dead-on impression of the Val evil eye followed by hands on hips, a roll of their head and a hefty helping of a piece of their mind. I really don't think achieving equality for women and minorities needs to be done in incremental steps. There shouldn't be a first. It should just be.

Both Obama and Clinton have similar platforms. Except one has more experience than the other. It's been a major issue in the debates, Obama's limited experience with foreign policy and Hillary's track record with heading up several committees within the government. I don't like the fact that there is a lot more mud slinging going on since the Feb 8 primary elections. Before that they both handled themselves with grace and class. I guess that's what happens when it gets close to the wire and there isn't an obvious winner. So it seems that since I couldn't answer the question of who should achieve equality first, our society will do it for me. Whoever gets the the bid from the Democratic Party reflects a social change only for the better. I just wonder which one it will be

The First Kiss

2008-02-07T08:44:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning around 3 am couldn't go back to sleep for an hour. I hate that! While I lay there willing myself back to sleep, I start to think of topics to post here. My favorite one is, The First Kiss.

The first time you kiss someone you are attracted to has so much riding on whether you'll continue the association. Whether you've just met the person a few hours ago at a party or you've known them for some time, you still want the first time you lock lips to be...mmm, yummy. Yummy is my word for things that make me feel good. Moving on. The first kiss should be all about exploring the other person, not diving in tongue first. (Ew! Cut that mess out.) Being aware enough to note the other's reaction to what you're doing, or not doing. They say a woman knows withing five minutes of meeting you if she'll sleep with you. I'm inclined to agree. However, if the first time you kiss her sucks, it's an automatic DQ. I'm just saying.

Regardless of all that, I like to know that my instincts were right. Mmm, yummy. ;)

Dear Male Friend:

2008-01-25T14:26:00.000-08:00

Hi. Your friend "Platonic Girl Buddy" here. How are you? Good, me too. So I was wondering, do you ever stop to think about how you talk about other girls in front of me? No? Didn't think so. Now, of course I don't care if you drool over that busty blonde at the end of the bar, or if you do a double take at that gorgeous brunette sweeping by us on the sidewalk. Nor do I mind when you go on (and on...and on) about Carmen Electra's rack, or Kim Kardass...ashian's, well, ass. Yes, they're nice. I don't mind these conversations, so long as I can chime in about Daniel Craig's broad shoulders and abs of steel (I'm salivating as we speak).

But it's when you start picking girls apart that I feel the need to object. "Did you see Janet? That girl's sure packed on the pounds" or "Dude, what is up with Tina's ass, why is it so HUGE" or any comment equating a girl's boob size to an unflattering object (ironing board, for example). You don't think this makes us a bit uneasy, considering most of us aren't exactly Cindy Crawford?

I'm all for ogling beautiful people -- let's just keep it in the realm of who's hot, as opposed to who's not. Oh and for the record? Telling a girl she has (and I quote) "child-bearing hips" will get you nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.

Old-Fashioned Values vs Modern Progression

2008-01-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

I was driving to work the other day listening to the latest Jill Scott album. I don't know why, but I started thinking about a conversation dj and I had about pick-up lines women could give men. Though we were talking about cheesy, silly lines, I started thinking of how women nowadays let a man know she's interested, yet still not fall completely into the antiquated role of women waiting around for a guy to get up the nerve to approach her or not fully embrace the role of , "I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar!" and club him over the head and drag him back to her lair. As always, I've bitten off more than I can chew....

Though I consider myself a modern woman, I appreciate some of the old-fashioned rules that come with male-female relations. Walk on the curb side of the sidewalk, open doors for me, and the best one, ask me out first. There is something I find attractive about a guy who knows what he wants and goes after it. I'm not talking stalker, but a guy with a goal (me) is hot. A guy friend of mine says it's because I like the chase. Maybe. I doubt it. However, if I were to take that position, what is wrong with that? I'll drop you the appropriate hints, but you have to seal the deal. I'm not into the game of making a guy jump through ridiculous hoops in order to get me to go out with them, but I like to know that he's willing to put in the effort for me. Does that make sense?

Then there are the women who are aggressive go getters. When it comes to approaching men, I'm not her. Also, I've heard from a lot of guys they don't consider her girlfriend material. Booty calls, are a different story. My guy friend says that he would like a girl to ask him out every once in awhile. Something about taking the pressure off him in having to be the one to make an effort. I say WTF? There are more women than there are men in this country. The pressure is on the woman. Therefore, he should make more of an effort. Even if girls drop hints to guys, they don't get it. I know, no one likes to be rejected, yet the chips seem to be stacked against the girls.

After all that, I'm confused and frustrated. Now what?

A New Year

2007-12-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

It's the end of the year and with all this time on my hands, I've become extremely contemplative. This past week or so, I've been asking myself some serious life-changing questions. Is the job I have really where I want to be? I think we all know the answer to that question. Is this the year I should stop playing around and look to settle down, be in a relationship? Still trying to figure that one out. Does my ass look fat in these jeans? Yes, and I love it! I like my ass, if you haven't already guessed.

In all seriousness when the year comes to an end, I like to think that we all reflect on the year past and the year ahead. Think about the things we should have done and shouldn't have, the things we want to do different. I don't do anything as structured as write a detailed list. I've found that every time I write down my resolutions, I lose the paper and don't find it until the next year. However, whenever that piece of paper, or in my case WORD document, resurfaces, most of my list has been accomplished. So what do you do? Do you have a list and follow it to the T? What's on it? Also, what's your favorite way to spend New Year's Eve? My favorite so far is in another country with old friends and some new ones.

ciao,

Nik

The "F" word

2007-12-13T11:40:00.001-08:00

No, I’m not talking about fuck (yeah, I said it) I’m talking about the other “F” word – Feminist. Anyone who knows me well enough knows I am very proud to call myself a feminist (as I feel all women should)- however I still can’t understand women who say things like “X Y and Z pisses me off, or is unfair but…oh I’m not a feminist or anything.” Um, excuse me? But when exactly did that become a bad thing and something to back pedal about? Personally, I’m quite tired of the negative stereotype out there of some rough, tough, butch-type woman who hates all men. I mean really, isn’t that getting a bit old? Let’s retire that one already – put it on the shelf…like, way, WAY in the back with that copy of "The Rules".

Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that men and women should be equals – cause really, I don’t want to be "equal" to a man. Men and women are different in so many ways – we were given natural strengths and weaknesses that compliment each other, which to me, creates a perfect balance. But what I do believe in is a fairness between men and women – that women should be given, at the very least, the same chances as men without any underlying element of repression. I know a lot of men out there probably think women are treated pretty damn good in terms of “equality” and being given fair shots, but I’m here to tell you that the glass ceiling does exist, and that there are still a lot of injustices out there happening to women daily.

In that light, and for the record, I do not ever condone women playing the victim - that we certainly are not. However, I do believe women have to work a little harder than our counterparts to even be noticed or considered in the same line up. Do I think it’s fair or right? No. But nevertheless we need to do what we have to in order to get there – even if it means pushing, clawing or scratching our way to the top. On a personal frustration level, specially in terms of the work place, I constantly see women get pigeon-holed into being receptionists, administrative assistants and secretaries as their way of getting “a foot in the door.” Now, there are a few male assistants sprinkled here and there, but it’s a lot rarer to see. Most of the time, men starting out in entry level positions are given better titles like junior account executive or associate coordinator. Do men have to take typing tests as part of their interview process? I think not. But women do. Fair?

Even more so than the glass ceiling bullshit, another topic affecting women is more important to me than anything – and that is violence against women. Every time I turn on the news another woman has been murdered, abducted, raped or beaten. Now, I don’t mean to be a downer here, but this shit is real, and it's unacceptable. I know that crimes are always going to happen, but the way our society has been socialized to accept this as “just the way things are” blows my mind. I read a book recently that talked about how women live their lives by the “rape schedule.” The rape schedule is simply the way women change little things in their daily lives due to a subconscious fear of being harmed. Ladies, think this doesn’t apply to you? Think again. When you’re walking to your parked car at night, do you get your keys out of your purse before you start walking – maybe even holding your biggest key in your hand just in case you need to use it as a weapon? Do you look around more when you’re by yourself, making sure no one is following you? Would you ever go for a walk or run at night? Women, whether they realize it or not, have trained themselves instinctively to be more aware and more cautious…most men don’t even give any of this a second thought when they’re out running errands, out at night or hanging out at a bar - they don't have the (no matter how tiny) fear of a predator lurking in the corner. The objectification of women in the media only adds to this epidemic – over-sexualizing women in such a way that we are viewed as objects open for the taking at any time. (But that’s a whole other post I might save for later…) I don’t have the answer on how to change any of this – and sadly, I’m sure it will only get worse…and that makes me sad and pissed off all at the same time.

So, what’s my bottom line? Women need to keep empowering themselves any way they can. Be it in their careers, personal lives or relationships, and especially how we view ourselves overall. Being a feminist doesn’t mean you’re some ugly broad who hates on men. I can be a feminist and still like to wear lipstick. I can be a feminist and still like a man to open my car door. It really boils my blood to hear people say I’m not REALLY a feminist when I enjoy things that are FEMININE (duh, I am a woman), or when I like men to, oh, I don’t know, have manners and be a gentleman?

Ladies, and gents, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. So speak up!

xo.

Double Standards: the Pimp vs. the Slut

2007-12-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

This will be short and sweet, as I actually have work to do (surprise!) and I have little patience today for finding the words to adequately express my annoyance with the ridiculous double standards by which society dictates the sexual behaviors of men and women in this day and age. I am a fairly forward thinking, independent woman with a healthy outlook on on life, love, and sex. I've got no Daddy issues. I'm unattached, and happy to be so. I'm not going to give you one of those "I'm independent, I don't need a Man" speeches because let's face it, they're about as cliche as those "Girls Rule!" bumper stickers and if that Perfect Guy came along, I'd jump on that in a heartbeat. But he hasn't (yet) and I'm ok with that. Still ... I have needs as much as the next girl. And while those little toys in our bedside tables are a great invention (I thank you on behalf of women everywhere) -- they just don't cut it all the time. Sometimes, you just want to have sex.

Which brings me to the great Double Standard of our time: men who sleep with as many women as he wants to, and as casually as he wants to, are treated to high fives and general glorification by other men. Women who do the same thing are labeled as slutty, maybe permiscuous, or "taken advantage of" at best. Did anyone stop to consider that if I make a concious choice to have sex on occasion with someone who isn't looking to make me his girlfriend, it's because I want to? Don't get me wrong, there are some girls out there who do things, and by 'things' I mean 'have permiscuous sex', for all the wrong reasons. I am not one of them. I am selective. I respect myself, and for the most part I choose to have sex with people who (I believe) respect me too.

I also know my boundaries. I know when there is a possibility of me becoming attached, and when there isn't. I'm not immune to developing feelings for someone I might be sleeping with, and if I foresee that happening without recriprocal sentiments from the other party, I stop. If I feel like I'm being misled, or jerked around, or that I'm not being given the full story...that's also grounds for stopping. I realize this 'Sliding Scale' system of choosing who I sleep with, and when, might seem a little unorthodox. But it works for me.

That said, I don't claim that this is for everyone, or even for me all the time. I'd love to hear your thoughts, and I encourage comments of all variety.

Waiting for the Bolognese to Finish

2007-11-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

I'm one glass in to this bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon a friend gave to me. Thanks Oli, you're the best!! And of course I'm a little tipsy. Well, we all know what happens when we're(I'm) drinking. We(I) start thinking about stupid shit.

Today I was at a luncheon where Anderson Cooper spoke. If any of you know me, then you know how much I love him. He said something that hit home with me. Someone in the audience asked him about ratings and how much he thinks of ratings when going after a story. His response was that he doesn't think much about ratings and advertisers, but he is aware of the significance of the more popular story. Then he gave a statistic, of the people who claim to be Bill O'Reilly fans, die-hard fans, they only watch the O'Reilly Factor 1 1/2 days of the 5 days a week the show is on. This got me to thinking about lip service. I HATE LIP SERVICE! You know what I mean, the person that calls you their best friend but will blow you off for the newer, more "fun" person in their life. Or someone that says you're doing a great job, yet takes credit for your work. Ugh!! It makes my skin crawl. Sure, everyone says they don't like dishonest people, but I REALLY don't like dishonest people. So much so that it literally makes me ill. Honesty, with a bit of diplomacy, is always the best policy. The funny thing is, I've found, that most people are so used to lying (exaggerating) that they can't tell the difference between what they truly mean and the lip service they are paying you. Ain't that a bitch?

Still waiting for the bolognese to finish.....going to get another glass of wine while I wait.

9 to 5 Shame

2007-10-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

By now, most of us are all familiar with the 'Walk of Shame' concept. Y'know, like that time in college where you woke up in a strange dorm room with racoon eyes and a sense of trepidation at parading your shameful little-black-dress-wearing patootie home, high heels in hand, past all of your collegiate counterparts on their way to breakfast. Remember those days? Like they were yesterday, right? Well for me, it was. Except in this scenario I'm two years out of college and have traded in a short walk between dorms and a one-hour snoozefest (read: Lit Crit class) for a commute in Los Angeles morning traffic and a full day at the office. Yep, straight from a night of good sex to an 8hour workday with nary a shower nor change of clothes inbetween.

and with some serious JBF hair to boot. If you are unfamiliar with this gem of a term, you should acquaint yourself immediately and add it to your vocabulary. JBF - an acronym for Just Been Fucked, usually used in the context of a persons appearance after having sex (thank you, UrbanDictionary.com) In other words, something like this:

It all began with an innocent call from a friend we'll call Leo saying he and his roommates were having a little get-together and that since I wasn't yet 75 with dentures, I should take advantage of my youthful resiliency and come out on a weeknight. Not one to withstand peer pressure, I caved and upon arrival, a seemingly self-refilling drink landed in my hands. Long story short, I didn't sleep in my own bed that night. The next morning, I awoke groggy and aghast to find that I had overslept and would have to traipse into work sporting the same clothes I had worn the day before and a serious case of JBF hair.

Forty minutes and several episodes of road rage later, I arrived at work and slunk into my cubicle hoping to avoid my friend and coworker's knowing stares at my disheveled appearance. I spent the rest of the day pondering how shameful it really is to show up to work with post-sex hair and yesterday's wardrobe, and I came to one conclusion...

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Male Voice

2007-10-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

I was thinking that since we have such opinionated readers, we should have them contribute a topic. I'm opening the floor to our male readers, all 4 of them. Hey, a girl will take what she can. I'm looking for something to incite a riot, um, discussion. Got any questions for us, pet peeves maybe? So boys(Men), what's on your minds?

Nik

Why Me?!

2007-09-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

I just got a phonecall from a guy I thought was long gone from my life. I recognized the number so I just let it go to voicemail. After listening to it I thought to myself, 'when will he quit?'. Here's the back story: we were friends, we decided to date, he fucked up(BIG TIME!) and now we no longer date. Yet, he still feels the need to call me every so often to 'hang out' (have sex, his words not mine).

Basically, when we were dating he wanted me to get more serious about our relationship. I really didn't take our relationship too seriously because we had been friends for four years prior to dating. I know about his track record with women and I didn't want to become apart of that group. Side note to all girls, you will eventually become part of that group. Moving on. After much consideration, I thought I'd take him at his word, he seemed sincere enough. So I started to look at the relationship on a deeper level. Well, that just got me calling his ass for a week and him ignoring me. I don't like to be ignored. Really, I don't. I also have a rule where calling guys is concerned. If I call you and I don't hear from you within the week (I understand you could be busy) then I will not call you again. If I don't hear from you in two weeks, well, your number is deleted. Well that two week period turned into about six months, needless to say when he sent me a text I didn't know who it was. Slick bastard has two cell numbers and he text messaged me on the number he knows I don't know by heart. Fucker. I digress. So now he wants to see me and I'm open to the idea, we were friends for a long time. We were not going to be anything other than that. Strange thing about this fool is that he thought that six months would cool my ire with him and I would be open to resuming our relationship. I wasn't mad at him anymore. In fact I didn't think about him at all. We tried( didn't try too hard) a couple of times to meet for dinner, but it didn't work out. He goes back to not calling me. I move on with my life.

Almost a year later he calls me again. He calls about four times leaving voicemails saying that he really needed to talk to me. At this point I'm curious to what he has to say, so I call him to tell him to meet me at the coffe shop by my house. We meet and he proceeds to tell me how he wants to settle things between us before he leaves the country to handle some business and for me to know that I am no longer a single woman. He wants to marry me. I'm completely blown away. I haven't seen this man in almost a year and now he wants me to marry him? Serious drug use is going on here. Well I tell him I don't want to get married, but if he does, he should. He asked me if I would be okay with it. Of course I would be okay with it why wouldn't I? Come to find out that regardless if he was married, he still wanted me to sleep with him. That's when I went off. OFF!!! He got scared and hung up the phone. I hadn't heard from him since then. . .until now.

What the hell is wrong with men? I mean really?

Mo's Perfect Approach - Stranger

2007-09-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

So a few nights ago, a bunch of us heifers went out to celebrate one of us heifer's birthday. Accompanying us were two lovely gentlemen, one of them being our beloved Sebbie.

Seb is one of those "enlightened" lads - wicked smart, talented, funny, charming and cute (god knows WHY he's still single, but anyway), and totally the opposite of asshole or caveman as any guy could be. Like really. Don't make him tell you otherwise.

But I digress... what I'm trying to say here is that later that night, Seb brought up a really good question and "required" all us girls to answer it on the blog: "What, in your opinion, constitutes the perfect approach by a guy?" I then forced him to narrow it down to the slightly more specific "perfect approach by a stranger." I think he wanted to read all of our opinions and get a sense of our personalities, likes and dislikes and whatever. So I'll entertain him... Before I do, a disclaimer: I am a nerd and so how I like a man to approach me might be TOTALLY different and dorky compared to most girls out there. So please don't judge too harshly?

Let's see... Scenario One: The Bar
Okay, here's the deal: there is about a 15-85 chance that any guy trying to pick me up in a bar is going to succeed. The reason being that, well, it's a bar, and this environment creates an immediate handicap to any guy trying to approach me. I'm at a bar to have a good time, not to pick up men (forget that I'm attached and pretend I'm single.) I see most guys who are at a bar trying to pick up women as NOT the kind of guy I'd want to go on a first date with. The few men that are there and ARE the type I'd say "yes" to will have a harder time piquing my interest than if they were in most any other environment. Because...bar. Oh, and bars are usually loud. Not good for striking up convos. And I like conversation. But for the sake of argument, here's an ideal situation:
1) You approach me (preferably when I'm standing by the bartender about to order a drink), and say "Hi, I'm _______. I was wondering if I can buy you a drink?"
2) Provided that I have "looked and liked" (and here's the superficial, yet true reality: If you're not my type, then the buck stops here), then I will say, "Sure. I'm Maureen." And we shake hands.
3) You ask me a non-creepy question. A good one would be: "So, are you originally from Southern California?" or "What do you do?" (as cliche as that Q is, it's still pretty acceptable.) A bad one would be: "So, are you here alone?" or "So, what's a pretty girl like you doing ordering her own drinks?" (that last one was a question that was really asked of me.) Here is a moment of great delicacy, precision, and astuteness. If you are a man blessed with a talent for observation and possess great intelligence, humility, and sincerity, you are guaranteed to ask me non-creepy questions and we strike up a wonderful conversation where I ask you questions and you answer them truthfully. You are humorous but not overly so. And you... also pay attention to me.
4) If, in the most ideal and luckiest of situations things go splendidly, and I do not excuse myself "to go back to my girls" or say something along the lines of "thank you for the drink, it was great meeting you, but I have to go now" then you can ask for my number.
5) Here's how you ask for my number: "I'm sorry that I'm taking up so much of your time. I know you came with your friends and I don't want to hold you up. But I was wondering... could I call you sometime? To tell you the truth, I think you're awesome and I want to keep chatting with you."
6) You, sir, are officially a winner. Behold, a pen has appeared. It is almost guaranteed that if I like you A LOT, I will also end the conversation with: "I think you're awesome too... and YEAH, you better call me!" And yes, I will hug you or kiss you on the cheek in case you need more convincing that I'm into you.

Scenario Two: Blind Date or First Date after Internet Interaction
Now THIS is a real-life example of a successful blind date:
1) We set up a day, time, and place to meet. You will allow me to make some recommendations instead of making them right off the bat. We coordinate/schedule as needed. (e.g. "I'd love to meet you soon. What's a good day for you? Where would you like to go?")
2) We meet at the designated place. You are not late, or at most, you are 10 minutes late and if this is the case, have a good excuse and apologize.
3) We converse. (See scenario one for a relatively good guideline.) You listen more than you talk. You ask good questions. You're a little funny. You allow ME to gauge your personality and intelligence - you don't volunteer things that are blatantly "showing off."
4) At the end of the date, you walk me to my car. You say something like, "I had a really great time. I mean it. Thank you." We hug. (I will hug YOU. Don't move forward assuming that I'll accept it.) You then say something like "Can I get in touch with you sometime?" I say of course.
5) You actually, truthfully, get in touch with me. And I'm one of those girls who doesn't mind whether you call OR email me when making contact. Just don't text. Just. Don't. Oh, and calling me or emailing me 3 or more days later without a valid excuse will not automatically DQ you, but you will have ruined one night's worth of progress with me. Let's just leave it at that.

Scenario Three: Club/Concert:
Kind of difficult, but slightly better chances with me than at a bar.
1) Come up and say hi and introduce yourself during a lull in the performance/music or when I walk to the bar. Don't hover too long or stare at me or follow me to like, the bathroom, and wait for me to come out. Um, creepy.
2) Follow bar rules above, but with less talking, since we're both here to enjoy the music. Perhaps during lulls/intermissions we discuss the band/musician. That would be good. Very acceptable.
3) Ask me out using bar rules above.

Scenario Four: Coffeehouse, grocery store, or other public place
Even worse than a bar. Probably no good way to do this.

The Tall & Short Of It: "Tall's" Response to the Trials of the Short Man

2007-09-13T11:41:00.001-07:00

Greetings! It's taken me a little while, but I'm finally here to address our first question.

Mo's already answered (and what a lovely job she did - P.S. I call you all "short-ass heifers" with love and affection), but just to remind you all, "so@24" asks, "Why is it that short guys are automatically dismissed (at first glance) and have to work twice as hard to complete the the average/tall fuckers?"

Being a nearly 6'0 tall amazon, admittedly the height thing is a pretty big deal for me. It's totally not for a lot of women out there and it's become less of a hang up on my end, but it's still gives me pause. Why? The reasons a shorter guy has problems dating are pretty much the same reasons a tall girl has problems - it all boils down to how the other person makes you feel.

In general, women like to feel protected and men like to feel...well, manly. It's a whole biological/evolution thing. But what people don't seem to understand is that, while appearance plays a part in that, it's mostly about what a person is projecting. For men that translates into confidence. Confidence, confidence, confidence. For example, there was a guy that I met not too long ago who was 5'6 and admitted it freely. He owned it. And that's what changed the thought in my head from, "He's cute, too bad he's so short" to "He's cute, I might consider it." Confidence, acceptance and happiness about who and what you are is the sexiest thing in the world and the surest way to up your "game".

Part of the automatic dq for shorter guys is that many tend to have a Napoleonic complex and women can tell, and we're not into it. These guys wear their overcompensation and insecurity like 7 too many splashes of strong, cheap, gross cologne. Sure, everyone has something that they feel self-conscious about, things they want to change, but the secret is not to let it get the best of you. Shed yourself of the negative baggage and you'll see an immediate change in the way women react to you - if you telegraph your issues, girls will pick up on it and you'll already be behind in the count.

I'll say it again: Confidence, confidence, confidence.

Now, am I going to date a guy who's under 5'9? Probably not, but that's because of my hang ups and is no way meant to offend. Like Mo said, it's just how I roll. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but I like feeling shorter because it happens so rarely. Guys who are "much" shorter than me generally aren't interested anyhow (except for guys who have special...preferences, but that's a whole other issue). And that's okay. I know that it's just a matter of taste.

So, to sum up, my advice to all you guys out there who don't feel like you have a shot, cut it out. Seriously. All that negativity isn't helping. If you're a good guy and a catch, it's going to happen for you. Have faith in yourself and relax. I know this sounds really simple and all self-helpy, but really, it'll work. Instead of walking up to a girl and thinking you have something to prove, just walk up with the intention of getting to know her better. Stop it with all the pressure and assumptions and other bullshittery. Just be who you are and you'll find the right girl or she'll find you.

Bitch, Please.

2007-09-07T07:58:00.001-07:00

This is how I feel about people today. Thank you, Chris Crocker.

Enjoy.

How To Be A Nice Guy and Still Get Girls Like An A--hole

2007-09-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome one and all.

So I feel utterly compelled now to give some answers and advice to the boys out there reading our blog regarding a question that has come up MORE THAN ONCE with me from my single bros: "Why do girls seem to always be attracted to the a--holes and us nice guys get the bum rap?"

Here's my take on this and some advice to all the uber-nice guys out there. Before I begin, I must put out a disclaimer that this is just my own, personal opinion. I'm sure I'll get tagged as a bit controversial, and/or have my gals and guys out there calling me out or disagreeing with me, but hey, this is the SGC and anything goes right? So here we go:

#1 - WHY ARE A LOT OF GIRLS ATTRACTED TO THE "BAD BOY"?
Ok, I admit it, there's a certain sexy "danger" to a bad boy, and I'm sure a lot of girls out there are with me. But here's the thing - if we can help it, we want the bad boy image with the good boy sensibilities. We are sexual beings as much as you boys, and we're drawn to the masculin-ey manness that bad boys exude. Oh, like flies to honey. And damn, a lot of times the bad boys are sooooo gooooood... you know what I mean?

Unfortunately, by being drawn to the sexy number with the tats and the hard biceps and dark gaze, we succumb and later find out about the heroin, the hos or the hitting ... Horribly for us, a lot of "bad boys" know that they're chick magnets and cultivate it, hone it, fine tune it. In addition, they KNOW that lots of us girls can be emotionally manipulated (not all of us, mind you) as long as the sex is hot and we get JUST enough attention and romance. Sadly, a lot of girls know only this kind of guy, and that's all they know. And only because they just won't give the nice guys a chance. So here's where we go to ...

#2 - HOW CAN I ATTRACT THE GIRL WHO LOVES THE BAD BOY BUT ACHES FOR THE GOOD GUY?
Here's a (not so) eye-opening revelation: Almost all girls out there want both. Unfortunately, a good number of guys are either/or. These men are either too bad or too nice. The answer is to strike the balance. And NO, I'm not saying be more of an a-hole. God forbid. What I mean is to cultivate your "naughty" or "wicked" or oh-so-interestingly-sexy-and mysterious side while keeping your nice guy sentimentalities as strong as ever. Here's my advice on how:

Remember a somewhat popular saying that men "love their woman to be a lady in public and a tiger/tramp/whore in the bedroom?" Well most women can attest to wanting kind of the same thing with their guy. But then there's the initial draw...

If you have something - anything - about you that's interesting, sexy, tantalizing, perhaps a bit "dangerous," flaunt it a bit and use it as a foil to your nice-guy-ities. To me, NOTHING is hotter and more attractive than, say, a man with a shaved head and tats and a dark gaze, who also loves to cook, loves music, enjoys chick flicks as much as action flicks, is talented, smart, funny, sensitive, and is humble, respectful, honest and kind. Oh, and drama free - did I say drama free? But that's just my own, personal taste. I think you get the idea.

The problem with nice guys is that their niceness translates too intensely in their first impression as well as once the relationship is going. We want NICE, not milquetoast. It's difficult and frustrating to describe, but try to be forward without being overeager or annoying, be respectful but not ingratiating, be humble without be overly self-depracating, be gentlemanly without being insulting. We girls are visual creatures too, so dress well - I'm not saying you have to be all GQ about it - but we appreciate a well-chosen, clean, simple outfit. (A well-fitting t-shirt or button-down with dark rinse jeans and really cool shoes never fails, and screams enough effort while looking effortless.)

In my ideal world, NO ONE picks up ANYONE at a bar anymore, because, really.... but if you must, please refer to Tamara's post long ago on Do's & Don'ts of "Hollering At A Girl". In my ideal world, you meet people through mutual friends or at a party, you strike up a conversation, you listen more than you talk, you attempt to find mutual interests, you attempt to AT LEAST act interested. You then say "It was great meeting you, I'd love to hang out with you again sometime" and numbers are exchanged. In an ideal world... But that's another blog.

Round two: Once a relationship is established, a lot of nice guys out there exude niceness and make so much effort to be nice and "respectful" to their woman that all the hot, dirty danger, mystery, and tantalizing teasing goes out the door.

Just as you guys out there love when we girls revel every so often in our femininity - our womanly wiles, smiles and styles (oh, how we like wearing our lingerie/getting naked for you if you give us a good reason to!) We girls love all things MANLY about you. For some girls it's a sharpened wit and a protective, helpful air every so often. For others it's as blatant as cavemanish actions behind closed doors. Get to know your woman and find out what gets her going.

One big thing is... the little things. Yes we love sex, but we also love affection as well as a little bit of naughty assertiveness. You can be nice and gentlemanly, but sneak us some kisses, strokes, and squeezes every day. You just opened that jar for us? Hand it back to us with a smile, then walk behind us and... nibble us on the ear as you walk past. Tickle our foot or kneecap under the table, then smile innocently. (No, I didn't say MAKE OUT or stick your tongue in our ear in public. I draw the line on some extreme forms of PDA, thank you very much.)

When you come home from work/practice/whatever, greet us at the door with a hug and kiss. But EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, greet us with a hug and a kiss ... then take our face in your hands, kiss us full, then push us against the wall...

I think you get the drift.

Strike the balance. Nice guys, cultivate your bad guy - your safe bad guy inner self - and you'll have us melting in your hands.

Excuse me now. There's a man waiting for me to come to bed. ;)

The Tall & Short Of It: The "Short's" Response About Short Men's Woes

2007-09-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted something on The Single Girl's Club and let me just say that it's good to be back at the keyboard and it NOT be work related!

For those of you relatively new to the SGC and do not know me, I am the lone attached girl on this blog and have been attached for the past 2 1/2 years. Therefore, you can call me the "honorary" single girl, a title that I hold with a bit of pride. I'm also the oldest poster on this site at 31 (for now.) So let's just say I have quite a bit of -ahem- experience with the opposite sex (in all sorts of "situations": dating, friendships, "friendships" and otherwise - my longest relationship was 7 1/2 years.)

I received our first question posted to T's welcome to our column from a lovely lad who calls himself "so@24". Here's his question:

"why is it that short guys are automatically dismissed (at first glance) and have to work twice as hard to complete the the average/tall fuckers?"

Ok, first of all, let me tell you that I feel a little hypocritical when I first started answering this question. At 5'2", the shortest guy I've dated was 5'9" and the tallest was 6'4". I know. And yes, I HAVE been heard saying that I find it difficult to date a guy who is under 5'8". Here's my PERSONAL reason why: It's just a preference. When I first started dating in junior high, most of the guys I was attracted to were tall. That ended up not changing. But removed from my personal experience, here's my attempt at an explanation:

Society, unfortunately, seems to view tall men as having more power, more intelligence, being better providers, etc. etc. etc. I can go back historically and anthropologically about why this is so and go into great detail about size equaling strength, health, better hunting prowess and therefore "providing" prowess, yadda yadda yadda, and therefore it's social and biological manifestations in modern day times. I can also talk at a bit of length about some short men and their "Napoleon complexes" and how I feel some short men tend to "overcompensate" to their detriment. But then I could write a whole thesis about this topic, so I'll stop there.

Do I believe in all this, yes and no. Yes, I can sort of understand where the "mystique" of tall men comes from through attempts to explain it both historically and scientifically. But NO, I do not succumb to it. I mean, for one thing, we've gone way beyond our cavemen ancestors and many "biological" things about us are now a moot point. And sociological explanations? PAH! Educated opinions, but opinions nonetheless.

I know, I know, but I date tall men. It has nothing to do with discrimination and everything to do with preference. I mean, do people give beef to others who prefer redheads, or bald heads or people with a sixth toe? Not really (Ok, the sixth toe one's a bit of stretch.)

So here's the thing: Beyond all the explanations, you've got to take what you've got and sell it. I'm not saying become a napoleon - by all means, please don't. Try not to be one of those guys and just try to a nice guy. Don't overcompensate, don't try to work "harder" and think of it this way: All those girls who dismiss you right off the bat because of your height... most of them will probably not change their minds about you no matter HOW much they get to know you. It's like a brunette trying to get a guy who's solidly into blondes and only blondes to change his mind. It's more trouble than it's worth.

Instead, be a good guy. Be a good person. Be humble. Be considerate and a bit charming. And focus on the girls out there who DO like men under 5'6". Trust me, there many out there. (Including a lot of tall girls!) In fact, I know a few girls out there who like short guys (ummm... maybe if you're good I'll give you their numbers. LOL.) And you never know... maybe... just maybe... you're turning your attentions to the wrong girls and missing that cute one in the corner who's trying to avoid your gaze? ;)

Anyway, as a short Filipino girl, I get a bit of discrimination too - yes, yes, I can hear you saying that short asian girls get it "easier" - but trust me, I've gotten ignored by my fair share of guys who like 'em tall and like 'em white. LOL

At the very least, let me direct you to a few recent MSN and Slate articles which discuss this very issue, and interestingly too. If you can't take my word for it, maybe other opinions will help?
Tall Men and Money
Dating Tall Women
Dating When You're A Short Guy

Good luck and my blessings. The right one's out there.

I now pass the floor to T - I'm sure she has some astute things to say about the matter, AND she probably has similar issues due to the fact that she's a "tall girl amongst short-ass heifers." (her words, not mine.)

The Tall & Short Of It: New Recurring Column

2007-08-30T20:25:00.001-07:00

I'm tall, Mo is short and together we're going to be given specialized advice and opinions. Since so many of you out there seem to be full of questions (or bitterness...whichever), I thought it would be nice to open the floor and see if any of you have any specific questions or topics you'd like us to cover - not that we don't have ideas ourselves, I just want to get a gage on what's troubling you poor folks out there.

So please, leave a question or topic in the comments and we'll do what we can.

Good times.

Goodbye To You

2007-08-30T12:55:00.001-07:00

You know that phenomenon where a much-beloved song from the past comes on the radio and you start humming along, mumbling a word here and there if you don't know it well or belting out the lyrics like you're three sheets to the wind at a karaoke bar? And then suddenly the message of the song hits you like a ton of bricks and you realize that the song is ABOUT YOU. It perfectly encapsultes a time, a place, a feeling, a relationship in your life in a succint, eerily perfect manner. That pile of bricks hit me as I flipped the radio dial to Jack FM yesterday afternoon in the car and what comes on but the classic "Goodbye To You" by Scandal, a 1982 gem featuring frontwoman Patty Smyth and a gaggle of backup musicians sporting Flock of Seagulls hairdos. Without going into any "excuse me while I go be awesome" details (if you need that one explained, just ask) -- I realized that this exceptionally awesome tune perfectly captures the last few months of my late (read: recently deceased) relationship:

These last few weeks of holdin' on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you

Cause baby it's over now
No need to talk about it
It's not the same
My love for you's just not the same

It's funny how relationships change over time -- people grow apart, feelings change, sometimes without warning or explanation. There may be love left but it's not the same (thank you Scandal), and when that happens... it's usually best to say Goodbye.

Also, check out the Miami Vice-looking dude with the white blazer and scrunched sleeves. Classic.

There is no love for LB

2007-08-20T13:26:00.001-07:00

Who is LB you ask? Well LB stands for Lil Black, my little black Acura TSX. I call her LB because before her I drove Big Red, my Big Red Chevy. I'm so creative when it comes to naming my cars. Anyway, it seems as if people don't have love for LB. The second time, in less than a year, she's been banged up. Once while I was parked on a side street and now today while I was sitting at a stop light with a bunch of other cars. WTF is up with people not able to see a shiny black car in broad daylight? I'm just saying. Really?

I was sitting at a red light thinking about the million things I had to do today and the next thing a know, POW!, some chick hits me in my ass. She got all up in my shit too. (Acura's have great brakes because upon impact I pressed down hard on my brakes and the car didn't move thus preventing me from hitting the car in front of me.) I immediately turn on my turn signal to indicate to the woman who hit me that I was going to get off the street. The other cars were nice enough to let me (and her) through, but as I was pulling into the driveway she takes off. BITCH@!!!!! Luckily, the car behind her took down her license plate number and pulled into the parking lot to give it to me. I called the police to report the hit and run, they took down my information and commenced to tracking her ass down. They found her close by, apparently she went home to tell her husband about what she did. The officer asked me if I wanted to press charges. Believe me I would have but I wanted her to tell me why she just took off. So I told the officer that I wanted her to tell me why she took off before I decided whether or not to press charges. When she, along with her husband and baby, came back she was so scared and frantic. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. She apologized profusely, the officer told her what major problems would have occurred if I decided to press charges and/or if I had been seriously injured. I told her that I would be taking this up with her insurance company and we left it at that. I'm just pissed because now I can't get into my damned trunk.

Happy Monday!

Drunken Bitches

2007-08-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

So, tonight I went to a Marc Broussard concert at The Avalon in Hollywood. It was a fan-fucking-tastic show, as always - seriously, go see him if you can. The only problem was that, at the end Marc came out and did a song with only keyboard and bass as an encore. He did "You Don't Know Me" and...well I wish I could tell you the other song but it was hard to hear over the gaggle of stupid drunken bitches who had migrated their way behind me.

They were "woo"ing, yelling out stupid things, and talking very loudly to each other while everyone else was quietly listening to the beautiful voice of Mr. Broussard. One of them bumped into me once or twice but, after turning around and shushing them (it didn't work for long), she started bumping into the girl next to me. We looked at each other at one point and just shook our heads in sadness and shared exasperation. Those drunken bitches kept saying "He's my boyfriend" and "He's so hot" and blah blah blah. At one point, Marc came a grabbed the hands of two or three girls in the very front. This whipped the soused sows into a frenzy, reaching out their hands and wooing and kicking up their overall obnoxiousness to an 11.

After the show was over, the girl who was next to me and I started talking about them (they rushed the stage after we moved). She was Amazonian like me and I'm sure the drunken bitches heard us, but I really don't care.

Now, I don't care if you're drunk and enjoying a concert but for the love of all that's holy, have some damn sense about it. Those bitches were surely there to sign up on the groupie list but, as a potential groupie, don't you think the artist would prefer you stuff an apple in it when he's singing? If it wasn't for the little girl I let stand next to me (it was an all ages show and my friend and I got to be in the very front), I would've yicked them in the throat Matrix style. But that would send the wrong message to America's youth so I contained myself. My fellow Amazon complemented me on my restraint. Because really, I did want to kick all their asses, just on GP.

There was really no point to this. I just really needed to get it off my chest.

P.S. What I really wish would've happened is Marc come over and take the little girl's hand, that way when those bitches tried to bum rush, I could elbow whoever hard in the gut and play it off as protecting the girl. She gets to have a super-awesome concert memory and I could've shut them up. That there is what they call a win-win situation.

Thanks, you made my day

2007-08-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

Walking through the hallways at work, picking through a sea of debris and discarded art project materials as students prepare for final presentations and tonight's Graduation Show. Precariously balancing an iced coffee in one hand and a stack of signs and sticky-tape in the other as I attempt to enjoy my cool caffeinated beverage and post directional signage at the same time. Tricky. In the middle of said balancing act, I hear "Hi, are you a student here?" I whip around and there is a not-bad-looking guy (kind of cute actually) regarding me with a friendly quizzical smile. "Actually I work here" I reply, and look around a bit awkwardly for somewhere to put down one of my two burdens. "Oh how embarassing..." he begins, and I interrupt to say "oh no it's ok, I know I look like a student. I work in Special Events, in Marketing & Communications over in the annex. Grad Show is one of our events." He looks relieved and says "Oh good, well I just wanted to tell you I think you're beautiful. That would have been kind of embarassing if you were an instructor" I reply "Oh, well thank you! Nope, not an instructor, I just work here. I'm Valerie." I hold out my hand, and he replies "Charlie, nice to meet you. Well, have a great event!" and waves as he walks off in the other direction.

Thanks Charlie, you made my day.

Aren't we a lively bunch?

2007-08-17T11:33:00.001-07:00

WOW! It is great to see the SGC in full swing again! Welcome to the “anonymous” readers. Glad to have you. We are so thrilled that SGC has become a place that's an open forum for thoughts, opinions and dialogue, but please be respectful of one another and individual views. Also, though meant to mitigate any more harsh comments, please do not regulate our blog. If you find something you think we need to address then let us know and we will handle it.

xoxo, SGC

Overheard at the KCRW studios

2007-08-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm outside, taking a break from answering phones for their pledge drive. I'm eating some tasty kahlua flavored marshmallows.

KCRW Employee, Male: So... what do you do? (to a super skinny, "attractive" female volunteer.)

Girl: Is that a trick question?

I spit out my marshmallow and fake coughing.

On an entirely unrelated note...

2007-08-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

I've been having increasingly frequent dreams of a somewhat sexual nature featuring Chris Meloni, the hardened and oft times rebellious detective Elliott Stabler on NBC's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. He roughs up the bad guys and at the same time exhibits a fiercely protective attitude toward his female partner and victims. The perfect marriage of raw male power and sensitive compassion. And he is 46, making him approximately 21 years my senior.

I wonder what Freud would have to say about that.

"guy stuff" we love

2007-08-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

a girlfriend and i were talking the other day about guys (shocking, i know), and how we really, really like GUYS. i mean, we really enjoy the sort of stereotypical "guy stuff" that the majority of our counterparts wouldn't really think we a) even notice or b) actually think is fucking cute.

SO, here is a short list of some things that (some/most) guys do that are just freakin' adorable. we may laugh about it, perhaps even roll our eyes when it happens, but still i think that most of us girls actually find stuff like this endearing and way cute. so here goes:

1. being WAY into a particular hobby (almost annoyingly so)

this stems from eating lunch with a male co-worker who was reading a magazine dedicated to fantasy football. some of you ladies may be screaming in horror right about now, but hear me out. while i'm definitely not a fan of fantasy football by any stretch, i found his obvious undying commitment to this sort of thing completely cute. while most guys tend to think that this sort of thing bugs the crap out of us (which it very well might) there's something sort of endearing about watching a guy sit for hours drafting his fantasy team, searching for guitar equipment all day online, clipping out pictures of "cool cars" or whatever other thing you guys do.

2. being amazed by our eyelash curler (or any other girly thing)

if it's happened once, it's happened a thousand times (ok, maybe not a THOUSAND, but you get the point). i'm putting on some make up in front of a guy and out comes the eyelash curler. you'd think i'd just pulled a fucking rabbit outta thin air cause i've rarely seen something both fascinate and scare a guy as much as this little silver makeup tool. they gaze with utter amazement at my working of this "contraption" wondering god knows what or trying to "figure it out" - and always asking if it hurts--which i happen to find hilarious. apparently, the secret workings of "girl-things" remain a source of mystery and intrigue for most men, which is quite entertaining.

3. opening a can/ jar/ bottle whose lid is too tight

now, let me preface this by saying i'm an independent woman who knows how to get her own shit done. but there's something about letting a guy flex a bit, so to speak, in assisting with the daunting task of opening a jar of raspberry jelly. i know that when we ask you to open said-jar, you look at us with this "really, you mean you really can't open that...? but it's SO easy" sort of look, sigh, give a slight twist that required absolutely no effort on your part, open the jar and hand it back to us. while it may be a small thing to you guys, to me, nothing is cuter than you helping a damsel in distress.

4. getting a hangnail/ papercut/ cold and it's the end of the world

now, i know a lot of my girlfriends may argue me on this one being cute, but i'm gonna attempt to defend this one. its utterly hilarious when guys sneeze and subsequently they think they're gonna die. a little cough/ cold/ fever - they've contracted the plauge. most guys relish in being big babies when they're sick, and quite honestly, to a certain extent - i really find this enjoyable. now, i'm a big sucker and live for taking care of people when they're sick and making them grilled cheese sandwiches and soup and shit, so i may not be the most objective when saying this is endearing - but to me a little bit of whining and pouty lip when you're feeling sick is super cute. word of advice to the guys - just don't push it though. cause for as much as i think that's cute, it can get not cute real fast.

5. romantic gestures that "fail"

i don't know how many times us girls need to say it, but it really is the thought that counts. and we mean it. (except for gold-digging bitches, cause yeah, that shit won't fly). but for the rest of us, the thought that you would even attempt to, oh, say, cook a 5 course meal but burn it all - is totally appreciated. it's not really about how things turn out, but it's more that you dug in there and tried to make a go of it. it's even cuter when you've come up with some elaborate scheme, say, for wrapping up a tiny gift - but you've put it in this absurdly large box, inside a box, inside a box, wrapped it with newspaper and duct tape and slapped a ribbon on it....um, adorable!

so, in conclusion...despite all of my (our) bitching about guys and how lame they can sometimes be -- there are redeeming qualities that keep us hanging in there. ladies, thoughts??

till next time.

Question for the Single Men

2007-08-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen.

Firstly, hats off to you. In the cutthroat world of casual dating, the task of the "first approach" generally falls on your shoulders, and most of you carry the burden well (although i could do with a little less complaining from some of you, ahem you know who you are). As such, many of us females are either unfamiliar or entirely clueless as to the inner-turmoils of approaching the opposite sex. I concede (something I'm not wont to do often) that men have it harder in this arena, and I applaud your effort and more importantly the cajones it takes to put yourself out on that flimsy limb.

Kudos.

However. I would like to pose this question to you brave soldiers. Once that approach has been made --whether you've asked a co-worker out for drinks or struck up a conversation with a girl in the grocery store line -- what is it exactly that you expect from us? I say this not to be snide or condescending, but out of a geniune desire to know the best way to handle the situation if we really aren't interested. Because sometimes, we're not.

Let it be said that while it takes tremendous courage to put yourself out there, and we can applaud and appreciate that effort -- it does not require us to reciprocate the feeling. Yes, I believe such an effort should be met with respect and, more importantly, plain good manners. Don't belittle the guy for trying, it's not like we're in the habit of making the same effort.
BUT ... Gentlemen, help me out here ... what is the best way for us to say "thanks but no thanks" ??? Is a polite decline right away the best route? Do we accept one date? And if so, how does that work? Especially if the guy thinks that the date went well and you "really hit it off" ... and meanwhile you're thinking Sorry Charlie ... how do you let him down gently? Inquiring minds want to know. Seriously.

So guys. Help a Single Girl out.

Pretty Guy of the Week

2007-08-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

Ah...Pretty Guys, how we've missed you. For my triumphant return, I offer you model/actor Marco Dapper. He hasn't been in much in terms of acting but he better get a move on. He's far too pretty not to be on the big screen. While straight, he plays a bi-sexual figure model in the move Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds. Yes, it sounds like porn but it's not (even though he does appear naked in it). God bless the gays. They have the best taste.

Big ups to amazing photographer Adam Bouska (check out this site too), One Stop Cool, Hunk Du Jour, and Techstickle for the pics.

Guess who's back in the mother f'ing house...

2007-08-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Yes yes...it's been awhile. I've been silent for a long time and I have to apologize for that. But I'd just like to announce that I have a couple of things in the works that will be appearing in the next few weeks and I'm digging them and I hope you will too.

Be prepared.

what makes men fall in love?

2007-08-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

so as i was "working" today i came across this article on yahoo news from men's health magazine (sidenote: i always appreciate the mens on the cover...sigh). while normally i think most of this stuff is total propagana, this one sorta made sense. see my thoughts in CAPS. what do the rest of you think??

Here goes:
Judging from the kind of mail we get at Men's Health from men seeking relationship advice, I can tell you this definitively about men: When a man falls for a woman, he falls hard. Men love to be in love. While men often get stereotyped as single-minded sex-seekers, the truth is that a man's stomach churns like a slushy machine when he's in those initial stages of the perfect relationship.

When you consider that half of men say that they're currently not with their soul mates, that means a heck of a lot of slushy machines are waiting to be turned on. What are they waiting for? What makes a man fall in love? After you rule out the obvious intangible laws of chemistry, attraction, and being in the right place at the right time that kick-start many a relationship, I think the question really becomes this: What makes a man fall -- and stay -- in love? About 60 percent of men deem friendship the most important thing in a relationship (sex comes in at a skimpy 8 percent, according to a national Harris Interactive poll), but let's delve a little deeper. What exactly does that mean, and what kind of woman does a man really want? With full acknowledgement that men's tastes in women are as unpredictable as the plotline of "24," these are some of things that many men value in "the one."

A Woman with a Passion in Something Other Than Him

Yes, it's nice to be doted over. Yes, it's nice to be pampered. Yes, it's nice to be with a woman who showers you with compliments, neck kisses, and all of her attention. But there's a virtual Great Wall of China between a fleeting, flirtatious glance and the kind of attraction that can last a lifetime. Many men say they like a woman who's immersed in something else other than the relationship -- be it her work, or her sport, or whatever her "thing" is. Why? The passion she shows for something else confirms her inherent goodness, her personal drive, her independence. All pluses in the woman we're hoping to spend a few decades with.

THANK GOD! OFTEN TIMES WOMEN GET STEREOTYPED INTO THE "I WANT TO SPEND EVERY LAST SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY WITH MY MAN CAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER REASON TO LIVE" CATEGORY AND THAT'S UBER-LAME IN MY BOOK. I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND PREACH, CAUSE I (AND I'M SURE MANY OTHERS) HAVE BEEN GUILTY OF THIS AT LEAST ONCE IN OUR LIVES. BUT THANK GOD WE LEARN AND REALIZE THAT WE HAD KICK ASS LIVES BEFORE WE MET "THE GUY" - AND OUR LIVES SHOULD BE EQUALLY KICK ASS WHEN WE'VE DECIDED TO LET THEM JOIN OUR PARTY. JUST CAUSE YOU'RE WITH DUDE DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD DITCH YOUR YOGA CLASS, GOING TO YOUR KNITTING CIRLCE (OR WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT) OR UM, LET'S SEE...KEEPING AND HANGING OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS! SO KUDOS FOR THIS ONE WRITER-GUY.

A Woman with No Problem with Guy Time

Every relationship has to choreograph the time-together dance. Once a couple elevates from casual to serious, it goes through that period when most waking and sleeping minutes are spent together. But at some point in the dance, one person will call a time out from the music of coupledom, and try to spend more time with his or her friends -- while still being careful not to step on any feet in the process. Even when they're with the most perfect woman, men still crave the occasional space to spend golfing or drinking or doing whatever (64 percent of men are happy to have the time to themselves when their wives or girlfriends have plans). Men love, appreciate, and are thankful for women who respect and endorse (and not complain about) his need to have a few testosterone mixers. Don't worry, March Madness will be over in just a few weeks!

AGAIN, THANK GOD. CAUSE REALLY, I DON'T NEED/ WANT TO SEE YOU EVERYDAY. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU EVERYDAY. AND WHEN I DO SEE YOU, THE LAST THING YOU NEED TO BE DOING IS BURPING AND MAKING OTHER GUY NOISES OR TELLING JOKES THAT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M STUCK IN SOME STANKY LOCKER ROOM. SO PLEASE. HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

A Woman with a Strut

Her strut in the bar may have been part of his initial attraction. The strut from the bedroom to the bathroom after the first night together may have been pure visual ecstasy. But the strut that happens day in and day out is one of the major attractors for a man. What do I mean by the strut? It's that attitude, that sassiness, that confidence, that charisma, that charm that shows she can be a little bold and little daring. In a recent post I talked about the line between a woman being confident and a woman being so aggressive that she turns men away, but the truth is that in certain aspects of relationships, men want women who have the strut. Men want to be with women who challenge them, who push them, and who take the lead some of the times. And that's as true in the bedroom as it is in planning their next weekend getaway. The danger? While it can be insanely attractive, that strut of confidence can also swing a man 180 degrees -- if she uses it in other places, like to flirt with other guys, to become a relationship dictator, or to pick a fight with his mom in front of the whole family. He'll point that kind of strut right out the door.

OK. MORE MEN NEED TO FEEL THIS WAY. I'M NOT SURE MANY DO - AT LEAST NOT THE ONES I'VE BEEN IN CONTACT WITH. BUT MEN WHO THINK REAL CONFIDENCE IS SEXY GETS AN A+ IN MY BOOK. THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN WHO "CLAIM" TO WANT THIS, BUT ONCE THEY GET IT, DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO THAT? - MAN UP BITCHES. I MEAN, REALLY. IF YOU'RE CHOOSING TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO CHALLENGES YOU - YOU BEST STEP UP AND TAKE IT. AND A NOTE FOR WOMEN - I AGREE THAT BEING WAAAYYY CONFIDENT CAN TRANSLATE TO BEING OVERLY AGGRESSIVE WHICH EQUALS SORTA SCARY. NO NEED TO BE A BALL BUSTER HERE. I THINK THERE'S A FINE LINE OF KNOWING WHEN TO DISH SOME OUT AND WHEN TO HOLD IT BACK.

A Woman with a Good Taste in Ties

Okay, so we don't really care about the ties per se. But what we care about is a woman's ability to give us a little-and this is a key word-gentle guidance. I know Freudian followers will say that it's a man's need to be mothered, but it's more than that. Every relationship is a give and take, and guys will definitely take women who can warn us when our new soul patch looks stupid, who can guide us to the perfect suit and shirt combo for an upcoming job interview, who can help them make decisions without being harsh or judgmental. Guys like to project that they know what they're doing and that they don't need any help. Women who can help steer us, without aggressively grabbing the wheel, are the most treasured copilots.

AMEN WRITER-GUY, AMEN. THIS IS ONE THING THAT IS AMAZING ABOUT WOMEN. WE KNOW HOW TO GET SHIT DONE IN A WAY THAT IS SO SUBTLE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN REALIZE ITS HAPPENING TILL VOILA! IT'S DONE. (HILARY CLINTON FOR PREZ ANYONE?)I'M JUST SAYING...

excuse me while i go be awesome.

I'm entertaining the idea of someone. . .

2007-08-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago, a co-worker asked me out for drinks. I knew he was going to because another co-worker sent me a text warning me. good looking out oli!! so the next day in the afternoon, i'm sitting at my desk in the office wrapping up the day and in he walks. can you say cornered? i can. i flash him a smile and say, "what's up? what are you up to this afternoon?" he says, " i don't know, i was about to ask you the same thing, if you wanted to go get a drink after work." keep in mind that my office isn't exactly MY office, there are several other people in the office who can hear everything. so i say, "today? i can't go today. let me see when i can." i pull out my crackberry (i love my crackberry) to look at my calendar. i tell him i can go next tuesday and he says, "okay," then leaves.
the next tuesday rolls around and i haven't seen or heard from this guy in a week. i'm coming back to my office after a long ass meeting and find him loitering in the hall. i'm sorry, but that was a little creepy. he asks me if we were still on for the night. i'm thinking to myself, you should have asked me yesterday, but i respond with, "sure, i just have to wrap up my desk first." he told me he'd be right back, dude didn't come back for almost 45 mins. the only reason i waited was because i didn't want to repeat the drinks date. better to get it over with then and there. we make arrangements to go to a local wine bar(side note: guys, NEVER take a woman you're into to a bar with really hot bartenders. just DON'T!). we have great conversation but i'm totally not feeling it. i'm looking at him from every angle, he's really sweet. that's a plus for him. but i sense a little bit of a door mat, minus. the biggest minus is that he took two fricken years to ask me out. WTF. After an hour or so i cut the date short as i have another appointment, give him a hug goodbye and leave.
the next day i'm hearing from mutual friends that he thinks we had a great time and that we have alot in common. um, what date was he on? just because two adults sat together for an hour and had a decent conversation where mutual interests came up? this means we'll end up in bed together? um, i don't think so buddy. we may have talked about cars but you definitely didn't rev my engine. not in the slightest glimpse of a rev. moving on. he corners me again in my office. seriously, i'm getting a little creeped out. he's a sweetheart, but this sneaking up on a girl will get you hurt. i'm just saying. so, he asks me to take a walk with him he wants to ask me something. when we get outside he asks me if i was seeing anyone. i tell him, "i'm entertaining the idea of someone." i didn't know what to say. i didn't want to have the ' i'm not really dating right now, i work with you i don't think it's a good idea' conversation. he takes this to mean that i'm seeing someone and we end it at that.
now everytime we see each other in the halls he waves to me, but never looks me in the eye. WTF is that about? i can't not like someone? damn.

The Pick-Up Done RIGHT

2007-07-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I have a real problem saying No. A neighbor asks me to pet-sit her vomit-happy cat, I agree. My friend begs me to drive him down to Anaheim on a Sunday night to look at a car he might purchase, I say yes. An old co-worker pestered me on a daily basis to fix his computer/phone/misc. technology that he couldn't figure out for the life of him how to operate, I conceded (though I drew the line at filling his stapler -- yes he really did ask). Something inside compels me to be obliging and agree to things that frankly, I would rather not do in a hundred million years.

Same scenario applies when a guy asks for my number. Generally I look at him stupidly for a minute as though I didn't really understand the question, I stammer a few unintelligible syllables to stall for time, but inevitably I just hand over the digits thinking "this is going to come back and bite me in the ass." I'm too nice, or wracked by guilt, or perhaps just too stupid to provide a fake number. So now the only thing left to do is ignore his phone calls until he gets the hint and leaves me alone. He feels rejected and frustrated, I come off as a flaky bitch. It's an arduous process that could easily be averted if I could only figure out how to say NO.

or...

if men could only figure out how to get a woman's number the right way. Yes, I am about to tell you what that way is. Let's start from the beginning. The goal in picking up women is to avoid a) putting her in an awkward position where she is forced to give you her number even though she really doesn't want to, or b) facing direct rejection when she says No. I realize that some of you might be protesting "but hey, No Guts No Glory!" And you've got a point. But wouldn't you rather bypass the aforementioned awkwardness and get straight to the "so she IS interested" part? Yes, you would. Watch and learn:

This past weekend I was managing a large event for work as the Volunteer Coordinator. I had one particularly stand-out volunteer. Zeke. Tall, cute, black-rimmed "artist" glasses (Deanna, you're probably drooling). He arrived chipper and ready to pitch in at the crack of dawn, worked tirelessly throughout the day anywhere I needed him, and stayed until the bitter end to make sure that everthing was taken care of. Needless to say, I appreciated the help. And the eye candy. But with all the craziness of the event, I didn't really give it a second thought and went about my business. Fast forward to the end of the event -- exhausted, feet aching and drenched in sweat, I'm ready to go home. My boss walks up with a goofy grin on her face and presents me with a scrap of paper.

"Call Me :)
(###) ### - ####
- Zeke"

Gentlemen, take note. Good tactic, well executed. You put the ball in her court. Not only does it save her the embarrassment of saying NO or worse yet giving you her number even though she clearly would rather not, but it also saves you the embarrassment of a face-to-face rejection. If she doesn't call, no real loss of dignity or pride. If she does call, you know she's interested. She doesn't feel pestered or pressured, you don't risk going down in flames. It's a win-win situation.

- dusts hands, self-satisfied smile -

Really? Seriously?

2007-07-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

I just heard a radio commercial promoting a dating website for potheads.

Yes.

No, really.

The premise is two girls talking about how hard it is to find dates with guys who don't object to a girl smoking out. One of the girl's name is "Mary Jane". Get it? Because...you know...pot is also referred to as that. Clever!

It's just...it's stupid. That commerical was so stupid it made me a little angry. Now, I know that everyone needs love, but are blazers really having a hard time finding each other? Perhaps the inherent laziness of the chronic marijuana worshipper is the problem. Why get off the couch and find someone, potentially harshing your mellow, when you can sit home with your Fritos and do it? It's good for the kids.

And who writes the dialogue for these things anyway? Not just this commerical, but pretty much every single commercial for a dating website is the most ridiculous...I mean, really people. Girls do not sit around "working out" with full make-up and hair done and make plans to invite some random dudes over the house from a party line. Nor do we sit around in sexy lingerie talking about anything or have "Topless Tuesdays" at the pool. Sorry for kicking your fantasy square in the nuts.

I know these are not supposed to be particularly realistic and that they're made primarily to attract men (because statistically they're more likely to pay for these things - like how women get cheaper covers for clubs), but at least make them quasi-feasible.

For example, there's this commerical for a birth control pill that has three women out at a club hanging out. Somehow Friend #1 starts talking about the new pill she's on (whatever) and Friend #2 ask some stupid question and then Friend #3 proceeds to spout about 35 seconds worth of the tiny writing that usually flashes at the bottom of the screen (side effects, consult your physician, yadda yadda yadda). Friend #2 says "You sure know a lot about this." Friend #3 replies "I should, I am a doctor." See, now that's slick. Brava! I commend that writer for actually making an effort.

But I digress.

Dating is difficult and creating special interest sites makes perfect sense. And you potheads can have your "420-friendly" haven, by all means. Because I'd rather you all be there then trying to hit on me at the club.

Erin is my idol

2007-07-02T10:20:00.001-07:00

I miss Erin.

Erin is a friend of Tamara and I's who has been MIA for near over 2 years now. It's not that she lives out of town, in fact, she lives and works about 20 minutes from me. The issue is that she claims to be super busy with no time for outside interaction or socialization. (Sure.)

No, but seriously, to her credit, Erin is a force of nature and - besides her "I'm so busy" excuses and apologies for her hermit-like behavior - she is a woman who I admire beyond comprehension. She is witty, super intelligent, and wickedly funny. Also... 2 years ago she quit her soul-sucking desk job and spent several weeks in Australia exploring, hostelling, and picking up odd jobs like harvesting grapes. I am jealous of this, this boldness, this decision to follow your heart and dreams and live a LIFE.

Admittedly, there are challenges, mainly monetary, about this choice, and Erin has written to me about job/money strugges, et cetera after her return from Oz. But I don't know... she seems happier, more content with the direction she's taken. I know this is a guess, but I have a feeling I'm right.

I miss Erin. I know she'll read this and I hope she does. She needs to know how much she rocks and how much I wish she was back in my life.

With that being said, I felt compelled to post a recent response she sent to me about this blog and especially my last posting about Irish men. Pure Erin. Pure genius. Worthy of this blog as it's own posting.

Come back to us Erin!

*************************************

"i must draw your attention to my latest obsession before you write your british invasion-- have you ever seen band of brothers? the hbo miniseries?

if not, you must borrow it from me immediately and watch it. not only it is it a fantastic story (although part 9 makes me sob-- no bawl uncontrollably every time), but the casting was top notch. may i draw your attention to eion bailey (american probably of irish descent with that name, but can't be sure) who was also in fight club and on ER for awhile. if this acting thing doesn't work out for him, i'd like him to be my gardener. except i don't have a garden in my apartment, so we'll have to find some other way for him to earn his keep. of course i will have to win the lottery first. and we all know ron livingston.

feeling urge to go watch office space.

(going back to band of brothers) quite a few of them are english guys. of course, you can't tell from watching the miniseries since they all have american accents. but go check it out on imbd. there's no pic of shane taylor who plays doc roe, but he's super hot. matthew settle. hottie. and i swear i'm so attracted to his posture. how odd is that? (ok, i guess that's not really odd for me, it's just me)maybe it was just for the role, but if it was, he should seriously consider holding himself like that all the time. unfortunately, i think most of the guys are married. puh. so typical.

the bad thing about band of brothers is these guys are all playing WWII paratroopers. it's all based on the true story and real guys of easy company. so what's the problem? the problem is they just don't make men like that anymore. brokaw dubbed these men the greatest generation. he was right.

ok, so it's not that these guys don't exist (i remember my brothers old roommate who is a NYC firefighter who was telling us about sept. 11th and he heard about the plane hitting. his father, a retired firefighter i think, said, "son, don't go down there. i have a bad feeling about this one." and he said to his dad, "if i don't go down i can never show my face and the [firehouse] again. i won't be a man."), it's just that they are harder to find. and i put brackets around firehouse because i can't remember the word he actually used.

sometimes i think i'm too much of a romantic at heart to be born gen x. and by romantic i mean i life romantic, not a love romantic. if that makes any sense.

although i think in the end now, i just want someone who will be a good dad.

oh jeezus, that's my ovaries talking again. or possibly my uterus. i'm not entirely sure. but a good dad would always risk his own life to save his child. but the test is, would his risk his life to save someone else's child? makes me think of that guy in florida years ago (think it was summer 2001-- the year of the sharks) whose nephew's arm was bitten off by a shark.
the guy went into the water, pulled the shark out by its tail, beat it, then reached inside its mouth to pull out his nephews arm. amazing.

on a side note, i'm very glad my parents bought me a subscription to readers digest. not only is it great toilet reading (lots of quick bites, but also longer pieces for your longer moments-- brilliantly designed for the pooper), but it highlights one "ordinary hero" story each month. gives me hope. i do find it interesting that most of these stories are usually about guys from a lower-income bracket. i'm sure there have to be higher-wage-earners who are stand-up fellas too. but it feels like there's a connection.

anyhoo, how ARE you guys??? i'm catching up at work. it's strange working from home and no longer being an everyday part of the hostel. i've been working long hours because i was doing both jobs for awhile, so things got WAY behind, but it's getting better. now i will have more reasonable hours (which i set myself since my office is like 25 feet from my bed). and i can finally start getting my life back!!

talk soon,
erin

p.s. spent this morning catching up with the blog and oooohing and ahhhing my heart out. and laughing of course. brilliant stuff.

p.p.s. for brit invasion... few suggestions... johnny lee miller. i swear he hasn't aged since trainspotting. seriously adorable in mindhunters (also starring eion bailey mentioned way way above). the guy from love actually who is in love with kiera knightly. love the way he wears that tutleneck sweater that not many guys could get away with. and of course jude law.

colin firth, who although a seriously bad on-screen kisser, is still seriously hot. and i can't help but love hugh grant. even though he got a blow job from a skank prositute down the street from me. i mean, what celebrity has come back from something like that with such humour (spelling in honour of those pesky pomms) and style?

and while we're on the topic of english blokes, i saw the police at dodger stadium. not the greatest concert, but not bad. was fun. except they detroyed don't stand so close to me and i don't mean in a good way. it was like sting was singing in one key and the band playing in another. it really didn't work. it was actually painful to listen too. and i LOVE that song.

ok. i'm done now. over and out"

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra...YES.

2007-06-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Fact #1: There are over 31 million people in the U.S. who are of Irish descent. This is almost 8 times more Irish than in Ireland itself (with a population of 4 million.)

Fact #2: Irish-American boys are enjoyable.

Fact #3: IRISH boys (from Ireland proper) are MORE enjoyable. Is it the concentration of genes? The whole european boy mystique? WHO CARES! It's an across the board consensus with us gals (particularly...ahem... T and Linds) that Irish boys are delectable.

So now it's only fair that since I covered the glorious glories of Scottish lads two months or so back, that I should pay equal homage to our Irish boys and their lucky charms. Below, I've listed 15 lovely laddies for your viewing pleasure.

Let us wander these fields aplenty, shall we?

#15: Damien Duff (born in Ballyboden, County Dublin)

Ok. Why in God's green earth do we find redheads enjoyable? Because we do. Because. We. Do. Behold Irish footballer Damien Duff, who is so adorable and yet so sexy that I don't know if I should ruffle his hair or pull it.

#14: Robbie Keane (born in Tallaght, County Dublin)
>

Another famous Irish footballer (and you better know I mean SOCCER football!)

Um. Hi. Hi there. ... Hi.

#13: Robert O'Connor (born in Dublin, County Dublin)

He's a singer. He's a songwriter. He's a model. He's so scruffy and boyishly adorable that I want to mess with his hair, pinch his cheeks, then run away. But I think I'll leave that to Lindsay.

#12: Cillian Murphy (born in Douglas, County Cork)

Sexy in that mesmerizing but "don't be alone with him he might do something to you" sort of way. Oy Vey. Ahem...

Ok...

MOVING ON!

#11: Gabriel Byrne (born in Dublin)

Can I just say "MECHA-GLORIOUS"? I know that's not really a word, but can I? Because YEAH. Because TALENTED. And because SEXY in that rumpled, world-weary, worn around the edges, older-man-that-I'm-sure-can-possibly-teach-you-things sort of way.

#10: Shane Lynch (born in Dublin)

Ex-Boyzone band member, sometimes motorsports racer and sometimes actor (and reality TV star.) I kind of feel guilty for enjoying him, but not too guilty. Behold the tats.

#9: Pierce Brosnan (born in Drogheda, County Louth)

Number One Bond will ALWAYS be Mr. Connery. But Number Two Bond will ALWAYS be Mr. Brosnan, hands down. No exceptions. (Sorry Valerie!)

#8: Stuart Townsend (born in Howth, County Dublin)

Let's forget his roles in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Queen of the Damned shall we? I know that most of you gals can look past this and into his eyes and forgive. So a moment of silence while we appreciate....

Ok, thank you.

#7: Ronan Keating (born in Bayside, County Dublin)

Another ex-Boyzone member - the lead singer this time. I know you're all mesmerized by The Pretty. But break away for a moment, if you can, because it gets worse.

#6: Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (born in Dublin)

I told you it got worse. The ultimate pretty of The Pretties based on our informal girlfriends' poll. Nikkia has much to say about Sir Loveliness. Yes Nikkia, yes I know. As for me, my fascination is more in his near-androgynous gorgeous looks, my fascination not being sexual in the least. No, really.

I really enjoyed him in Velvet Goldmine. But then I think it was more his character Brian Slade/Maxwell Demon that I loved. (My whole glam-rock fabulousness obsession and all.) Whatever. Here's some piccies. (Including him as Maxwell Demon. Yes.)

#5: Glenn Quinn (born in Dublin)

Do you remember him in Angel? I do. And he was only in like, 9 episodes, then he sacrificed himself so that others may live. I wanted to see more of him, but then he had to go and die of a heroin overdose in 2002. (Thanks.)

#4: Michael Fassbender (grew up in Killarney, County Kerry)

Ok, did you even SEE him in 300? DID YOU????

#3: Larry Mullen, Jr. (born in Artane, County Dublin)

My fascination with drummers continues. No wait, HE was the one who really started it all. I wonder if he has any sons....

#2: Damien Rice (born in Celbridge, County Kildare)

I was privileged enough to see him at Coachella this year and his lovely songs and earnest, beautiful tenor voice were enough to make me cry and hug him forever. This boy is too much. But I'm going to stop talking about him now because I can just see Lindsay standing over me with that "watch it" face so he's all yours now Linds.

#1: Colin Farrell (born in Castleknock, County Dublin)

Yeah.

Um...

Yeahhhh.

Why is he #1, you ask? I agree, he's not exactly the HOTTEST guy or the most talented artist or the most intelligent or the most charming. But I think he has to be #1 because he is hot ENOUGH and charming ENOUGH and there is that other thing... you know... that pesky naughty thing called "a reputation" that precedes him. And you know us girls and our thing for dirty dirty DIRTY - (no really - DIRTY) boys. I recall some very enjoyable discussions about Mr. Farrell over the past 4 years. And surprisingly, most of them were started by Tamara or Erin. Go fig.

Yeah.

Honorable Mention: The entire band Westlife (originated in County Sligo)

I just HAD to put this honorable mention down because us girls seem to look at Westlife with a bemused and entertained mentality. Also, I can't seem to separate the band members. Yeah - they kind of are a parcel deal.

Though they're not that particularly attractive, they're still enjoyable in some respect and that's really all. They serve their purpose, so there. No apologies.

FIN.

Coming soon: The British Invasion

Sometimes We Like Couples

2007-06-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago something that we all didn't expect to happened, happened.

After 10 assumedly blissful years of marital bliss, one of our favorite star couples, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and his wife Dany, announced that they were going to separate.

A press statement was issued thusly:

"While certain aspects of our relationship have changed, we are both vitally important to each other's lives. We will continue to advance and manage our business interests, our philanthropic efforts and most importantly the raising of our child together, as a loving team. We've been fortunate enough to spend the last 17 years together as a couple and look forward to spending the rest our lives together as best friends and business partners."

So ok... some of us have expressed a bit of disappointment and sadness over this turn of events (and also expressed a bit of guilt in admitting that we, at the same time, thought "huzzah, The Rock is single" but still.) Why is this, many of you are asking. Why does it matter that people you've never met, famous people who more often than not don't give a rat's ass what you think, coming together and separating just like the larger, commoner demographic, make you care?

The answer is simple: Because they give us a bit of hope.

I, personally, consider myself lucky to have parents who are blissfully and disgustingly married for over 32 years (and counting). And although I'm not saying that they were without their rock bottom moments, I thank my mom and dad for showing my sis and I that no matter the situation, regardless of what bad times come along, they were willing to make it work. And you know, I'd like to think that all the bad shit that came down on them just helped to make their relationship stronger. Because to them marriage was FOR REAL, not trivialized, and something to sacrifice, compromise, fight over, cry over, celebrate over. I guess they're a rarity nowadays, which saddens me.

So I like to think that beyond family and friends' example one must take into account Hollywood's example. We all know that it's even harder for Hollywood couples to stay together (happily). In this entertainment microcosm there's a grandiose amount of abnormal drama and external factors that come into play. And yes, it's even a bit incestuous - partners swapping and breaking up and swapping with other partners, etc. Therefore, a long-term happily married Hollywood couple (made up of cool people that we actually like) is an ultimate rarity. (And in Hollywood, 5 years is like a lifetime.) And for this, we cherish each one that exists.

So I'm mourning the loss of one of my favorite couples. But in it's demise, I want to turn around and celebrate other favorite long-term Hollywood couples, whose relationships give me reason to stand up and say, "bravo" for beating the odds. Here are my top ten (and my venerated honorable mention.)

#10: Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy

Married: 10 years (Although they lived together for 15 years before deciding to tie the knot.)

#9: Kyra Sedgewick and Kevin Bacon

Married: 19 years

#8: Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy Osbourne

Married: 25 years

#7: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell

Partnered: 24 years (not officially married, but that doesn't matter to me.)

#6: Tracy Pollan and Michael J. Fox

Married: Almost 19 years

#5: Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

Partnered: 19 years (another non-married pair, and he's 12 years younger...go girl.)

#4: Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito

Married: 25 years

#3: Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith

Married: 10 years

#2: Iman and David Bowie

Married: 15 years

#1: Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman

Married: 49 years

Venerable Honorable Mention: Gracie Allen and George Burns

George and Gracie were such a pair. Professional comedic partners and married for 38 years until her death in 1964. In an interview after her death, he described Gracie as "his next breath." He never remarried.

All You Have To Do Is Ask

2007-06-07T15:32:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, I recently went to a Bachelorette Party. All the fair princesses in attendance were frolicking merrily as they played games, watched the Guest of Honor open presents, and ate an inappropriately decorated cake.

However, all was not well as the *cough* "jesters" were late. Very late. And verily the princesses did leave, unable to wait any longer for the extremely unprofessional jesters to arrive. They left one by one, two by two, until the court's number dwindle to barely half the attendance. Sadly, I was to take my leave.

But wait! What is this!

The Matron of Honor made a grand announcement. The goodly neighbors volunteered to entertain the court this night. And lo, it came to be that two (and a half) goodly neighbors did dance around and all the princesses in the court were entertained.

And what is the moral of this story, my fair readers?

It is that, as much as we seem confused, frustrated, angry, or saddened by our relationships (or lack thereof) with men, tis a simple truth that shines through - a guy will take off his pants for you in a heartbeat. All you have to do is ask.

Today = No

2007-05-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while during your life a day comes by that you wished never really happened. When all is well and good, you forget that those kind of days exist - you're blissfully unaware, or choose to be unaware - because the moment you think about those days, you pray to god they never come.

Today was that day for me. Today was a CRAP DAY.

It all started at 2:30 in the morning when my housemate knocks on my boyfriend and I's door and tells us there some sort of gas leak in the house. When we come out, the house indeed smelled like gas. Needless to say, we're a bit concerned. We figure out that the gas leak is coming from our stove, and that the majority of the gas is spreading into my housemate's room. Bad times.

Two days ago my landlord comes by the house to fumigate it for roaches. Yes, another bad times, but bearable. All pilot lights and gas sources had to be turned off in the house. Off goes the heater pilot and off goes the stove's gas source... after my landlord wrenches the stove away from the wall to try and get to the switch. Let me remind you that I had to end up taking a day off during this time to prep the house and get my dog out of the building.

Take into account also that last week, I had to take a day off because I wasn't feeling well, and a week before then, I had car problems and came to work late.

So anyway, back to last night. I tell my bf and housemate (and her friend who was visiting and first smelled the gas) that the leak was from the stove and must have happened when my landlord moved the stove from the wall.

My bf calls the gas company. The gas company rep says that they can't have someone over until between 7 am and 12 pm. What do you think? Unacceptable? I think so. My bf says something like "so what are we supposed to do beforehand?" The rep's response?

"Go to another room or another part of the house."

Yeah.

We're all feeling pissed and helpless after this call. I mean, what do we know about gas? Our frame of reference is like, the scene from Fight Club... you know... KABOOOM!???

So after hanging up, my bf goes, "fuck this, I'm going to call the fire department."

5 minutes later, 2 fire trucks and 10 firefighters are at our door, all of them looking for the main gas line to turn it off. Keep in mind that this is now about 3:30 in the morning. We're irate. The fire chief is pretty irate too that he and his men had to get up at 3:30 in the morning to find and turn off a gas line. We didn't know where it was (well now we do - very helpful.) And the gas company sucks ass. Eventually they find it, turn it off, and go on their merry way. This is 20 minutes later.

We open some doors and windows and turn on some fans to get rid of the gas. My housemate and her friend decide to leave and stay at his house until the gas is taken care of the next day. (I encourage them to do so.) I ask my bf if he can stay tomorrow morning to let in the gas guy whenever he comes by. He says he can't because he has an important appointment to get his car alarm installed on his new car and he can't reschedule. I go 'fine' and realize... great... I took a day off last week, a day off the week before, a day off two days ago, and now I may have to take a half day off today. I'm going to get in trouble.

My bf and I go to bed and have a hard time falling asleep.

Oh, and my bf's sis is in town and we had to wake her up for this drama... yay.

I wake up around 7:30 am and call into work and leave a message with my colleague/supervisor about what happened and that I MAY have to come in late to work or ... even stay home again today. Of course, 30 minutes later, she calls back.

Keep in mind that she's one way cool chick, my colleague/supervisor. (and you girls know who she is.) Like... really cool. I love her. But now she had no choice. She, being professional, called me on my "pattern of absences." I note that this was difficult for her to say because she understands that life happens and sometimes that includes shit hitting the life fan. But yeah, she had to, and it sucked. I felt terrible, frustrated and pissed - at myself and at life. I never wanted her to feel like she was stuck between a rock and hard place, and now I'm sorta in trouble and also had to put her into that situation.

The gas guy arrives. He checks everything and we realize that the stove has ANOTHER pilot light we were unaware of and that we didn't relight when we turned the gas back on after the fumigation. ALL THIS BULLSHIT FOR SOMETHING THIS STUPID. I feel stupid. All of us feel stupid. Then... the gas guy gives me the company's toll free number and says "you know, we're on call 24/7. You don't have to call the fire dept., just call us and we'll be here right away if it's something as serious as a gas leak."

I call bullshit. I tell him so and let him know what happened last night. I call my bf at work and tell him what happened. The gas guy is surprised at what came to pass last night. So was my bf... to put it lightly. He calls the gas company and complains. Good thing cuz now it's on the record and the gas company rep is in trouble. hahahahaha.

So I finally make it to work and I feel like total and utter crap. But no, wait... it gets better.

I try to fill my car's gas tank on my way to work and my card isn't working. I go to my online banking site and find out that I'm $250 overdrawn....

Because I balanced my budget wrong... Now i'm also out of gas. Gasoline. (fucking gas, gas, gas. Fuck you.)

I almost break down and cry.

Yeah. Today is a crap day.

Accessories Make (or Break) The Man

2007-05-16T10:13:00.000-07:00

We've been talking a lot about what type of clothes men should wear, but haven't mentioned anything about accessories...until now. I took a sampling of 15 items and created a survey for 5 ladies (including myself) to fill out. The answers are not given in any particular order.
This represents the general impression these accessories give us and, as we all have fairly diverse taste in men, can serve as a general guide to the pros and cons of sporting the following bits and pieces.

1. Puka Shell Necklace

Um, unless you were born and raised on an island do not wear. Or you just have some seriously hippie parents. I know some people like that.

“let’s catch some bitchin’ waves, bruh” - Surfer dude with limited intellect, or possibly just a very toolish frat guy.

Depending on the outfit, you’re from Hawaii, part of the “surf culture” or are a frat boy. If you are not from Hawaii or a surfer, it’s pretty much one of The Marks to look out for - in a bad way.

“Yo, Bra, next time we should like, TOTALLY try heli-skiing. Dude. KEGGER ON FRIDAY!!!!!!” Rating: 2 – pretty crap.

This reminds me of a guy I used to date in high school who also used to wear Hawaiian shirts. He was a tool. Enough said.

2. Kangol Cap

Depending who’s wearing it, I would say the guy is trying to be hip – although maybe a few years late in the “hip-game”? I don’t know…didn’t these come out in like, the early 90’s? I’m confused…make it stop.

“Look at me, I’m taking it back to the old skool cuz I’m so cool. And Samuel L. Jackson bit MY style, get it right.” (Starts pop-locking) Rating: 4 – leaning towards “eh.”

Again, depends on the outfit and the way it’s worn. Probably a hip-hop head…or from the East Coast maybe? Definitely worn by a guy with his own sense of style, whether it’s good or bad style is the question.

Are you tapping into your inner Mos Def, Shaft, Grandmaster Flash, or Samuel L. Jackson? No matter how hard you tap, you’ll never get there.

Oh barf, my ex-boyfriend had one of these. “look at me and how stylish I am. I have lots of style. I’m cool and stylish.” Translation: tries too hard.

3. Wallet with Chain

Then: the cute skater dude in high school with the i-don’t-care attitude, hair in his eyes, and adorable smile – I was so in love with Ian Coad.
Now: uh, welcome to the year 2007. put that shit away. What are you, seventeen?

Oh hell no.

Makes me think of greasers, skateboarders, and hipsters. Average number of tattoos for a guy with a wallet/chain is 2. It could work for some guys…and work against most.

I see black leather and a Harley. I also see long stringy unkempt hair and smell the scent of a three week old unwashed body. EEEWWW!!

“X is playing at Little Temple tonight. I’m heading over there in my ’57 chevy after I get a touch up on my Jesus tat.” Rating: 5 – it’s ok. Kind of lagging on the trends, but some guys can rock it.

4. Mirrored Aviator Sunglasses

I like these but not all men can wear them. Know who you are and act accordingly.

If combined with a pink, popped-collar polo shirt, extremely toolish.

“Lady, let me take you up to Neptune’s Net on my Goldwing. I’ve got a brand new pair of croc boots I’m just dying to break in… don’t touch the ‘stache.” Rating: 2 – just… wow.

Well, again, depending on who’s wearing these I’d think the guy most likely “bears the mark” however, I still think they’re kinda hot. Cause apparently I like assholes.

Asshole. Or Frat guy. Or both. Especially if it’s worn indoors/at night. It is The Mark. “When you’re cool, the sun always shines on you…” Will offer to bang you in a dirty men’s bathroom because they saw it on a video and if it’s good enough for half the R&B artists in the world then it’s good enough for them.

5. Big/Fasionable Belt Buckle

“I am trying to rock something so craptastic, it’s cool. Can you tell? That’s right.” Rating: 3 – craptastic or 6 – craptastically awesome, depending on the guy.

Again, depends on how it’s worn and with what. If it’s got a spinner on it, then it could be awesome in that self-aware/ironic way. Unless he’s serious, and then it’s just sad. If it’s got the Superman emblem on it, he’s a nerd on the inside if not the out.

Oh hell no. (unless he was a hot, ripped cowboy ala John Travolta in Urban Cowboy…casue then I’d say giddy up)

Just no. This is too trendy to tell you anything about the guy, except that he likes big shiny things

“I read GQ”

6. Cuff Watch

Yes, I like it. I’d think this guy was very fashionable yet masculine.

These are great when it is the only thing you are wearing that is a little cutting edge. DO NOT WEAR with the wallet and chain combo.

The man has style but isn’t trying to parade around his bank roll like some other diamond-studded watch wearers (cough *small penis* cough).

“Next time, let’s rock the 101 Diner. I’m so over the jerk chicken salad at Swingers. And … um… me and the super-tatted waitress… we had a thing back in the day and it gets a little uncomfortable. Know what I mean?” Rating: 7 – pretty decent.

This could so work depending on the guy and the style of watch. On the trendy side…though it’s not a current "hot" trend which may indicate that this is a guy who likes what he likes and will continue to wear it regardless of what mean things others may say. So, I guess that means he’s fashionable but low-key. Could also be a manwhore because I look at this watch and think of Colin Farrell - which also makes me think he will probably let you tie him to the bedpost during sex.

7. Diamond Stud Earrings

Flossy.

Definitely a man who enjoys preening his feathers. And enjoys The Bling. And I’m sorry, but white men should just…not.

“Whatcha got there baby? You shakin’ that sh_t for me, huh… yeah… You got me wanting to dance real close, dancing real close… Don’t walk away, baby.” Rating: 3 – hahahahahahahahhahaa

If he’s wearing a pair, most likely a black guy (or an honorary black guy) and/or uber-fashionable. 50% chance of ultra-manicured goatee, sideburns, or (god forbid) chinstrap beard. The bigger the earrings are, the higher the odds that they play professional sports or are a recording artist of some kind. If it’s a single earring, that’s pretty standard and doesn’t quite make much difference in the grand scheme of things. Unless it’s a nose-piercing. Then you’re a counter-culture nouveau-hippie and your name is Lenny Kravitz.

We fly high. No lie. We balling. BALLING! Cut that nonsense out right now

8. Newsboy Hat

Eh…ok I guess. Again, hats are very tricky as some guys can pull them off, and some just like stupid. If he had that who hipster-i-don’t-care-what-I-wear-yet-i-really-spent-$300-on-these-jeans-look …. Then I think this would work.

“Bitch, you know I’m too cool for all you fools.” Rating: 4 – only if you’re gay or totally hip-hop metro.

Please sir can’t I have some more?

All I can think of when I look at this particular hat is will.i.am from the black eyed peas. Guys who wear the Newsboy most likely have a collection of hats including fedoras and those knit ball cap/beanies. May have a weirdly shaped or big head and is trying to hide it. Possibly knows how to swing dance.

Wait, men actually wear these? Not just Seventeen Magazine cover models from the mid-90s?

9. Leather Cuff

I, personally, like cuff bracelets. Like the cuff watch, could be yummy depending on the guy and the type of cuff. Also, like the watch, it makes me think of Colin Farrell or Orlando Bloom which, in turn, makes me think of sex.

I sense some type of bondage fetish.

Nice. I like it. fashionable and masculine. Which is always a good thing. This is one of the few accessories a guy can get away with without looking like he’s trying too hard.

“I’m so Emo and moody. I’m so above the rest of you poor slaves to Corporate America. … But I still like to look good.”

“I’m heading to Melrose on Saturday. Wanna come? Then on Sunday night I’m gonna go see Maroon 5 play. I’ll see if I can get extra tickets.” Rating: 5 – see accessory #3.

10. "Man Bracelet"

He might be The Gay.

“Even I’m too sexy for my wrist.” Rating: 5: It’s ok, depending on the man, the bracelet style, and the situation.

Hmm. This is a bit dodgy. Could be hot…could be awful. Once again, it depends on how it’s worn and with what. As far as jewelry goes, it’s pretty manly. Makes me think of stylish football players and manwhores (not mutually exclusive designations).

Gay Gay Gay.

Is your name Guido?

11. Non-Military Dogtags

Could be hot. JT-esque to me…which is ALWAYS a good thing.

I brought one of these for my cousin one Christmas!!! In my defense his was a watch combo thingy. Really, if Uncle Sam (or your girl cousin) didn’t give it to you, don’t wear it.

I’ve yet to see anyone in real life wear these. It could work, I suppose, but my gut feeling is not so much.

“My pals and I are driving up to Lucerne Valley to go shooting. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” Rating: 1 – geez… not even REAL Military dog tags? I mean, wearing real dog tags outside of your base/tour of duty is pretty silly enough.

White trash, no two ways about it.

12. Pinky Ring

Play on playa’

“Yo, Tony, round the boys up. We’re gonna have some batting practice with Johnny behind Mel’s Pizza.” Rating: 0 - I’m not even gonna say anything.

Is your name Tony Montoya?

I must be out of the loop, because I’ve never even seen this phenomenon. Obviously whoever wears one is a Baller.

This guy is gross in one way or another. Like Aviator Guy, will ask to bang you…except this time it’s in his corvette or the coat check room since his “Uncle Paulie owns the joint”.

13. 80's Style Gold Chain

Oh hell no, again. Unless he’s chaining me up with that I don’t want any part of it…

This goes with the Kangol hat. It was the 80’s, leave it there. Unless you’re Big Daddy Kane and like to relive the glory days.

This better be for an 80’s or Pimps & Ho’s party…

He fell into a coma in 1986 and just woke up last week. Or he’s from one of those little Southern towns in which Jheri Curls and Freezes are still “acceptable” hairstyles to rock. Which they aren’t and never were.

“Uh Uh Uh, Yeah… uh… WHAT? OK!” Rating: 0 (Then Lil Jon comes up and bitch slaps him.)

14. Hemp Jewelry of Any Kind

Probably has white-boy dreads or is in a frat. 50% probability of smelling like patchouli. Owns at least 3 tie-dye shirts and has Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” on record and/or cd. Also owns a black light and 2 or more black light posters. Most assuredly smokes pot.

The outdoorsy, smokes-weed-regularly, travels through the mountains of Nepal with only a backpack, is concerned about the environment and stages anti-war protests guy.
Or, my ex Jacob.

Stoner. Or just lame. It’d be a hard call.

NO!!! It gets dirty and . . . just NO!

“Dude, Burning Man was so awesome last year. We gotta get more people out to help with our installation this time.” Rating: 2 - …. Yeah.

15. Pimp Cup

“What?! Yea-ah!”

“They only want me for my pimp juice! Ooooooo-ooooo!” Part of Lil’ Jon’s or Snoop’s crew or is named Bishop Don Magic Juan. If not, it had better be your birthday and it had better be a joke gift. Unacceptable if not used ironically.

I have no words. Rating: I… I can’t.

Who are you, King Henry the VIII? Lil Jon? Again. NO!

Seb.
{NOTE: Seb (pictured) is rad and the bass player for the kickass band known as Division Day.}

Did You Really Think My Answer Would Be Yes? Dumbass!!!!

2007-05-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

You girls have inspired me to add a story about the madness that is dealing with the opposite sex. About a month ago a guy called, I hadn't heard from him in about two years. I first met him because I posted an ad looking for a musician to collaborate with and he answered the ad by sending me an email saying he was close to me and he'd like to meet to talk about music and songwriting and whether we could work with each other. I didn't think anything unsavory (i like that word) would happen. After several emails back and forth to set up a meeting, we decide to meet at a local coffee shop. We meet up at the shop sit and discuss music and songwriting, why we love music, the usual. A half hour goes by and its clear that he ans I do not share the same musical interests. That's cool, whatever. I wasn't terribly disappointed about it. So, during a lag in the conversation this guy decides to ask me if I was single. I tell him, yes. Then he asks me if I date married guys. I tell him, hell no. WTF is wrong with people? Really? You just come out of left field with this bullshit? What did I do besides sit there and talk to you for half an hour that made you think I'd want to fuck you? What?! Goodness. Some people. But here is the kicker, after I left the coffee shop he never called me again (he obviously isn't that stupid). Then a couple of weeks ago, I get a voicemail from him asking if I remember him and would I like to go out sometime. I sweeaaaarr!!!! I have no words. I can't go on. Dumb Ass.

Overheard in The School Cafe

2007-05-15T16:07:00.000-07:00

Where: The cafe at the school where most of us work at.

When: This morning.

Who: Random male student to a random female student.

Scenario:
Female student is looking over the breakfast choices, hovering, looking, hovering.

Male student stands creepily close, yet behind her.

Male student finally comes up next to her after 2 minutes.

"... so... Muffin tops... rock. They should totally sell just muffin tops. Do you like muffin tops?"

Girl: "um. Yeahhh...." (walks away with just her coffee in hand.)

Pretty Guy of the Week: Sports Flavored Pretties #2

2007-05-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday! So, I'm sure you've all been jonesing for your next hit of the PGOTW, and I promise you won't be disappointed. Continuing the Special Sports Edition, today I bring you: Soccer/Futbol/Football Hotties.

Before I introduce our lovely spokesmodels, let's just go ahead and get the obligatory David Beckham shots in right now:

Good times. Now, on to our show!

1) Freddie Ljungberg

At 5'8, he's not the biggest tasty morsel out there, but he's still very tasty. Hailing from Sweden, Freddie is a perfect example of how a good hair choice can move you from cute to hot in an instant.

Before:

After:

So much better. A celebrated player, Calvin Klein helped make him a household name by having him pose in his skivvies. Thank you Calvin Klein.

No really, thank you.

Click on the pictures...they get bigger...

Thanks to http://www.freddieljungbergsite.com for the pics!

2) Cristiano Ronaldo

This Portuguese hottie is the heir apparent to Beckham's British Pretty Player Empire as he plays for Manchester United when he's not on the Portuegese National Team. I don't know much about him other than that except he's prone to designer label shopping sprees and taking vacations that involve wearing little clothes. Which is all good with me.

Thanks to Rickey.Org and TowelRoad.Com for the pics!

Overhead In... (a new series)

2007-05-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

OVERHEARD/OBSERVED IN THE MOJAVE TENT:
Saturday night at Coachella, chilling, basking in the afterglow (or was it mild heatstroke?) of Justice's just-finished set, waiting for LCD Soundsystem to come on. Lucky me, I was all the way in front. Hurrah!!

3 pretty, stupid looking, and mad skinny girls behind me. Between 18 and 24. Stylish... 2 wearing cool mens-style hats. They talk amongst themselves. They ARE stupid, geez.

1 plain, dorky looking man behind the fence. Obviously press because of his wristband. In front and to the right of me. Small beer belly. Black hair. Trying to channel Jeremy Piven obviously, and failing.

Dork man couldn't stop staring at skinny bitches. Staring. Staring.

Creepy. Say something already. I can tell he's thinking. He's thinking TOO much. The girls are way out of his league. I notice his eye is especially on the hatless, blonde one. (go fig.)

I can tell this is going to be hilarious in a sad sad way. I can't help it. I had to watch. I was between them anyway.

10 minutes pass.

Creepy.

Say Something already or don't say anything at all.

He's gonna say something.

He taps blonde hatless on the shoulder.

...

...

"So... where's YOUR hat?"

Oh NO!!!!!

And... DQ!

Girls stare at him, blinking. 3 painful seconds pass. Girls tsk tsk and shake heads slowly. One rolls her eyes. Then...

One of the girls' hatted friends puts both her arms out and does thumbs down, pumping her arms up and down blatantly in front of dork-dude.

So sad... (and yet I laugh. I'm sorry.)

Man stands there trying to save face as girls turn backs to him. He smiles a little, twitches, sips his bottle of water.

Then he quickly walks away.

What's the lesson we learned here?

The floor is now open.

Bite-Sized Boys and The Amazons They Love...

2007-04-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

Forgive me if this is long and somewhat rambling, but that's just how my brain is working today.

So, I went out to eat at this restaurant by my house with one of my sisters and a friend Saturday night. It just opened not too long ago and my sister and I gave it a try, discovering, to our delight, that it was muy tasty. When we were there that first time about 6 or so weeks ago, the waiter we had was this super-friendly, enjoyable, and slightly height-challenged guy (much superior to this other guy who's get a little too flustered when it's busy in there/is not quite as attentive as he should be).

Anyway, on Saturday night we went in and ended up sitting at one of the tables assigned to the new girl (or else they just sicked her on us regardless since we eat there fairly regularly now...I couldn't quite tell). She gave us our drinks and took our order and disappeared for awhile. Our original Little Waiter Boy walked by to clean the table so I smiled at him and waved, just because I'm friendly like that.

He just smiled back a little - you know, when someone you don't know smiles at you and you're acknowledging their presence - and then came to a screeching halt before he got past the booth, took a step back and said, "Oh hey! I didn't recognize you at first." (I'm pretty sure I had braids the first time I went in - now I'm rocking the psuedo-fro.) He has his arm out and then says, "Gimme a hug, girl." So I do, as I am a fan of hugs.

He then proceeds to share that he has an audition the next day for a gay man role but doesn't know how he's going to do it - totally flaming vs. straight, repressed southern closet gay. I make a suggestion to play it as a normal dude with slight flaming tendencies (since you don't see that guy very often in things). He says that it's a good idea and jokes that if he gets the part I should get royalties or a fee. For the rest of the night, he randomly stops by to check on us/chat awhile. He even cleared our Miso bowls and made sure our food got sent out to us when it was taking too long. It was like we had two waiters.

During this whole bit, my friend was amazed that he kept coming by so much. I was slightly less amazed as I realized this waiter is the latest in a string of bite-sized boys who seem to be gravitating toward me. It's not like he's a legal midget or anything - I'd peg him somewhere between 5'6 and 5'8 (I never actually stood next to him so I can't be sure). But I'm pushing 6'0. So, to me, he's bite-sized. He's also Southern, which is a reoccurring trait amongst the bite-sized bits who seem to love me so.

I'm starting to worry because I'd prefer to date a guy that I don't have to bend over to hug. I hesitate to say it out loud lest it become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I fear that the only men I'll be able to date will be shorter than me.

I know, I know. It's vain and shallow...but I don't like feeling like I tower over the guy who's supposed to get in bar fights over me. Admittedly it's just bullshit childhood baggage, but that baggage has my name and address on it and it ain't getting lost at the airport.

This is something I'll get over, I suppose. Dating a guy shorter than I am isn't that a big deal. I mean, I've done it before and it worked out fine. And, quite frankly, it's something I'll have to do considering just how small a dating pool I have to work with - especially since all the guys my height or taller seem to be looking for bite-sized girls. It's just dismaying is all. I'd like to be the short(er) one for a change.

I'd like to feel like the delicate mother fucking flower I am.

Mandy Moore is Awsome

2007-04-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

In the past, I didn't particularly dig Miss Mandy. I didn't hate her, I was just...indifferent (though the way she stood kind of bugged me. I think it was the fact that she's tall but didn't seem to be comfortable with it. As an Amazon, I find that to be unfortunate and it bugs me.).

So, after a quick peek at gofugyourself.com, I followed a link to the interview she did for Elle magazine. After reading it, I must say that I kind of love Mandy Moore.

She's self-depricating, diplomatically honest, and extremely earnest. She's everything you want a starlet to be. She's Kirsten Dunst gone right (not that Kirsten is completly wrong, she's just not what everyone says she is - more on that later).

And I know that the person writing the article is supposed to paint the celebrity-du jour in a positive light, but you can tell it wasn't hard. After reading this article, I just want to find her, sit down with a cup of tea and some finger sandwiches and talk to her. Really talk to her. She seems that cool. She seems like someone who's come to terms with who she was, who she is, and that not everyone will like her. And she's okay with all of that, which is really important.

The article talks a lot about her upcoming album. Given the descriptions (left her former record label to write and record with lesser known artists as opposed to recording "surefire hits" with no feeling; a smattering of lyrics that express the complicated emotions regarding someone you love but hurt your feelings that definitely appeal to the poet in me), I'm totally going to buy it. I am.

I openly profess my love for Mandy Moore and I'm not ashamed. I'm just as shocked as you are.

Pretty Guy of the Week: Sports Flavored Pretties #1.5

2007-04-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

I just found this guy today and had to add him to the Rugby list. He's my new baby-making-practice partner...

3) Matt Cooper - Australia

Not only a celebrated Rugby player (and fine piece of ass), this 6'2 piece of man-candy also has a sense of humor. When asked who he'd want to play himself in a movie, he replied, "50-Cent". Which is high-larious since Matt doesn't look like a rabbit. Behold his chiseled goodness!

If any of you truly loved me, you'd get me him for my birthday.

Thanks to All Aussie Beef for the pictures. No. Really. Thank you.

F*ck Off

2007-04-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

I'm at the Silver Lake Coffee Shop, looking forward to a little morning pick-me-up and a little personal peace-and-quiet time, when I hear an annoyingly snide voice in my ear quip "a soy chai?! god, that's such a chick drink!" I turn around to see what damn fool is bothering me before I've had my caffeine injection for the day, and oh if it isn't Mr. Emo, Too Cool for School, Tattoos On My Biceps, Rings In My Lip and oh god is that your EYELID?! guy. Unsure of exactly how to respond since I have ruled out bashing his face in with my wallet, I simply raise an eyebrow in his general direction. "I'm off coffee." That should do it, mission accompli....
"That's retarded, why would you go off coffee just to switch to another type of caffeinated stimulant?" Shit. Not only did I just unintentionally initiate conversation, but he's right. And he's a pompous ass. Caffeinated Stimulant? Gimme a break. I realize he wasn't hitting on me, but can I please just order a god damn drink without comments from the peanut gallery! Fuck.
And if that indeed was a misguided attempt at hitting on me (though I'm disinclined to believe anyone really thinks that the Insult Tactic works, especially at 8:00 am), then throw in the towel dude, you failed.

Pretty Guy of the Week - Sports Flavored Pretties #1

2007-04-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

First, sorry about this being so late but believe me, the delay is worth it. At Mo's request, I proudly present the Special Sports Flavored Pretties Editions of PGOTW.

That's right. I said "editions". Plural. More than one.

Today, we begin with Rugby. For those of you wondering, it's like a cross between soccer and American football, except without 95% of the protective gear (some of the more hardcore rugby players think football is for pussies).

Guys who play rugby are sturdy men, often big and beefy. And hot. A lot of them are very hot.

I give you two stellar examples:

1) Ben Cohen - England

This tasty piece of man-fruit is a bit of a rarity - an attractive Englishman that isn't the least bit girly. He's a popular player, both for his skills and for his utter lack of shyness - as seen here

and here

oof...and here.

He's also willing to go on national television in his skivvies for a good cause (testicular cancer awareness).

But really...I just want to hug him...

...among other things...

2) Sonny Bill Williams - New Zealand

This cutie is young (only 21...yeesh), but he's old enough to get in the club and that's all that matters. He's recently embroiled in some weird scandal involving a not-hot-enough-to-be-worth-the-trouble model/athlete and a bathroom at a local pub. But he's 21, was drunk, and pretty enough for me to let it slide. At least it wasn't on a airplane (I'm looking at you Fiennes).

Thus endith lesson #1. Please return tomorrow for further education into the world of hot athletes. Class dismissed.

just, ew.

2007-04-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

this entry will be short, but i just needed to post my uber-creepy experience at the bagel shop this morning. i was standing in line, minding my own business, day dreaming and fantasizing about the yummy jalepeno bagel i was about to purchase, when the guy in front of me decided to strike up a conversation. now, of course, since life sucks, destiny did not happen to place a super smart, sexy, dark-haired cutie with glasses in front of me, who would turn around, say something witty, then we'd run off, get married and have babies. no. instead it was an old man about 50 or 60, with white hair, something crusty stuck to his lip, ear hair, nose hair and wearing a members only jacket. the man of my dreams.

so i think i hear him say, "oh, i didn't know they made their own bagels here." i'm thinking, uh...who the fuck is he talking to? then, to my utter dismay, i realize it was directed to me. so i laugh uncomfortably and say, "uh, yeah i guess they do" (read: please shut the fuck up). apparently, he thought bagel places had bagels delivered to the store. uh, doesn't that defeat the whole point of a bagel shop? but whatever. he then goes on to talk about the weather, debating if it's gonna rain, and basically continues with annoying small talk. seriously, do i look like i care or want to talk to you even remotely? the answer would be NO.

he then let's me know that he's on the way to the race track. i automatically realize that i really just have met the man of my dreams and possibly a potential sugar daddy, since a man who spends his sunday afternoons gambling away his savings totally turns me on.

so he asks me if i've ever been to the track...uh, no. and then asks me if i'd like to go with him. uh, no and now i'm totally creeped out (even more so than before which was hard to believe).

i laugh, again, this time extremely uncomfortably, and quickly exit the bagel shop, sans yummy jalepeno bagel.

i can't help but think that there must be something wrong in the universe when only creepy old men try to pick up on me. cause really, the way it's supposed to go is that i really do meet the man of my dreams in a bagel shop, cause he too likes bagels and therefore he's amazing. **sigh** shit.

The Dos and Don’ts of “Holla”ing At A Girl: Lesson 2 - Don’t Be “That Guy”

2007-04-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

We all know “That Guy” (aka This Dude aka This MothaF#(@&). He pops up whenever girls go out and makes such an unfavorable impression that he is the subject of subsequent storytelling sessions for months, if not years. In further effort to help you poor, clueless gentlemen out there in the world, I present to you a list of offenders in hopes that you never become them. P.S. If you know a guy like this, tell him to cut it out. If you are one of these guys, what the hell is wrong with you? Stop it.

That Guy: The Sneak Freak

Jerk Level: 5 (out of 5)

Native Habitat: Clubs and bars where there’s dancing

Offensive Behavior: Sneaks up behind a girl he’s had no prior contact with (usually many girls as this is serial behavior) and “dances” with them – and by “dances” I mean “rubbing his junk all up on her without permission”. Because nothing says sexy like being accosted by a stranger. (That’s sarcasm.)

Assumed Purpose: To feel up on a girl and maybe, if she’s drunk enough, get her to have a one night stand.

Why It’s Offensive: First of all, having a stranger suddenly attach his crotch to your rear, accompanied by grinding motions, is just plain creepy and disrespectful. As DJ says, “Nothing’s grosser than feeling a random groin against your ass when you were just trying to get your groove on.” For the love of all that’s holy, ask a girl to dance. She’ll most likely say yes and you’ll get to grind on her anyway. Secondly, it’s a safe bet to say that Sneak Freaks are not interested in having a girlfriend and are just trying to get into the victim’s Victoria’s. Which is all fine and good, but at least pretend a little? Thirdly, we assume that a guy who does this is hideous in some way and must try to “seal the deal” before the girl can turn around and see his deformities (ex: greasy hair, gold chains, shiny shirts, etc.). And if he isn’t hideous, he’s an unseasoned manwhore and the unseasoned part makes him unworthy of your time.

That Guy: The Grabber

Jerk Level: 3 to 5, depending on location of grab

Native Habitat: Any and everywhere, especially crowded places.

Offensive Behavior: Grabs every girl he thinks is attractive that walks by him, sometimes by the arm…sometimes he grabs something else.

Assumed Purpose: To get a girl’s attention and/or cop a feel.

Why It’s Offensive: Because you don’t grab a girl if you don’t know her, and usually not even then. That’s a surefire way to get cut. Shank, shank.

That Guy: Mr. Feely

Jerk Level: Varies

Native Habitat: Wherever liquor and a “singles’ scene” meet.

Offensive Behavior: Begins touching a girl (hand on the small of the back, touching her hand, sliding hand down her arm, etc) he’s just begun talking to without any indication of it being okay. He is usually drunk.

Assumed Purpose: To indicate interest and be flirty.

Why It’s Offensive: Because, when poorly timed, it can be off-putting, even creepy. It’s that whole “too much, too fast” thing. And if excessive, it’s downright scary (especially when the guy is drunk). A girl likes to know a guy is into her, just not so into her that she must be escorted to her car by a bouncer.

That Guy: The Space Invader

Jerk Level: Varies

Native Habitat: Any and everywhere social

Offensive Behavior: A cousin of Mr. Feely, he stands far too close to a girl either while talking to her or when working up to talking to her. Normally this isn’t a problem, but there’s usually an underlying energy that makes it icky. Like, “this guy is 3 seconds away from pressing his crotch against me” icky.

Assumed Purpose: Yet another misguided attempt at flirting. Or his trying to smell her hair when she’s not looking.

Why It’s Offensive: Most people are pretty sensitive about their personal space and this is especially true when it comes to courting. It’s like those Discovery Channel/KCET specials about mating habits in the wild – if the approach is ill-timed, the suitor gets nothing. The real problem is it feels like the guy is hovering and expecting something, which does not sit well. Or, worst case scenario, it seems like the guy is going to do something creepy while we’re not looking (ruffie, air-hump for the benefit of friends who are looking, etc.) and that’s just not cool.

That Guy: The Predator

Jerk Level: 3 (can max out to 5 depending on behavior after contact)

Native Habitat: Clubs and Bars

Offensive Behavior: Lurks around a girl, watching and waiting for a long time before approaching. Has at least one other guy with him because Predators tend to travel in packs.

Assumed Purpose: To scope out a girl and her friends and devise the best method of attack/assess the competition – or else is waiting for the drinks to kick in.

Why It’s Offensive: I know that, deep down, we’re all really just animals (for some, it’s more on the surface than anyone would like). However, I think I speak for most women when I say I don’t like identifying with a wounded gazelle out on the plains that feels the piercing eyes of impending doom upon it when I’m shaking my ass to a Timbaland beat. What it boils down to is the irritation of knowing this dude is there, and has been there, and is doing nothing. We see you. We see you whispering to your friends. We see you watching us or our friends. We see you leave momentarily only to return to the same spot 3 minutes later. Don’t just stand there watching like it’s a damn strip club, you putz. Grow a pair and say something already.

That Guy: Cell Phone Larry Flynt

Jerk Level: 5

Native Habitat: Clubs, Bars, Beaches, Mardi Gras – basically anywhere there’s women, but especially where there’s women and alcohol

Offensive Behavior: Takes pictures/videos of girls’ asses, or down a girl’s shirt when she’s leaning over, or up a girl’s skirt on an escalator, etc. Always taken without the consent of the girl.

Assumed Purpose: I’m sure we all know what they’re doing with the pictures.

Why It’s Offensive: If you don’t know why, then you’re a bloody idiot and need to be slapped and/or kicked square in the nuts.

That Guy: The Attached aka “I know I’m with my girlfriend but you’re hot”

Jerk Level: 5+

Native Habitat: Social engagements of all kinds, including house parties, picnics, and outings to bars

Offensive Behavior: Is clearly already with a chick but still gives another girl the up and down. May smile at her whilst girlfriend’s attention lies elsewhere. Extreme cases have been known to make contact while girlfriend is in the bathroom.

Assumed Purpose: Um…to get stabbed by his girlfriend in his sleep?

Why It’s Offensive: Look dude, I don’t know what your relationship is with that woman you came here with, but I’m not looking to find out. Don’t use me as an excuse to break-up. Be a man and do it yourself.

That Guy: The Vulture

Jerk Level: 3 to 5

Native Habitat: Bars, Clubs, After-Hour Restaraunts.

Offensive Behavior: A more evolved (or devolved) version of The Predator, he waits until about 30 minutes before Last Call to start earnestly picking up women, most likely hoping they’ll be too drunk to say no. Barrages pick up the pace when the lights go up and he realizes he has precious little time to seal any deal.

Assumed Purpose: To wait until a girl is drunk enough to let her guard down so he can swoop in and take advantage.

Why It’s Offensive: If you really think I’m cute, come talk to me when you see me. If you think I need to be drunk to land me, float on bitch, float on.

That Guy: Mr. Persistent

Jerk Level: Starts out a 1, ends up a 5

Native Habitat: Bars and Clubs mostly, but occasionally pops up at other social gatherings like house parties

Offensive Behavior: Comes and talks to a woman but she’s not that responsive. He, however, thinks he just needs to try again so she can see how awesome he thinks he is. Woman is less responsive, more irritated. Repeat cycle ad infinitum.

Assumed Purpose: To wear a girl down until she says "yes".

Why It’s Offensive: Some women don’t like to be mean when they’re not into a potential suitor. Some men mistake this for having a chance. They’re wrong and they should go away before the woman’s friend has to come over and clown them.

That Guy: Mr. Equal Opportunity

Jerk Level: 5

Native Habitat: Bars and Clubs

Offensive Behavior: Will hit on a girl…and all of her friends.

Assumed Purpose: To increase his chances of getting lucky.

Why It’s Offensive: Focus, mother fucker. I know it’s a numbers game and all that but I don’t care how hot you are. Overtly hitting on me and even one other girl in my group is grounds for immediate disqualification. Because focus.

That Guy: Liquid Courage Guy

Jerk Level: 2 to 5, depending on the type of drunk he is

Native Habitat: Anywhere there’s alcohol and socializing

Offensive Behavior: Can’t seem to get up the nuts to talk to a girl unless he’s snuckered.

Assumed Purpose: To have the courage to talk to a girl.

Why It’s Offensive: Unfortunately for these poor bastards, being drunk and hitting on a woman usually doesn’t end well (due to the slurring and uncensored comments and such). As a general rule, men should not be allowed to say exactly what they’re thinking when talking to a woman they’re attracted to...because then you get lines like “I can’t help but thinking as you’re pouring syrup on those pancakes how much I’d like to pour syrup on your tits.” (This was actually said to me. No shit. Mo is my witness.)

That Guy: Creepy Guy aka The King of Staring

Jerk Level: 5 on account of being so damn creepy

Native Habitat: Anywhere…even where you work

Offensive Behavior: Will. Not. Stop. Staring. And usually with big buggy eyes and/or an emotionless expression on his face. Yeesh.

Assumed Purpose: Either to hypnotize a girl or see into her soul.

Why It’s Offensive: What? What’re you looking at? Why are you staring? You’re creeping me out, man. Cut it out.

Huzzah For Lesbian Crushes

2007-04-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that if I was totally gay (or a straight man), I would be madly in love with Nigella Lawson.

Because she rocks.

And yes, I love her.

There are several reasons why she is deserving of my girl-crush proclamations:

1) She's really the only woman chef-host on Food Network with no annoying qualities whatsoever.

Take for example top exhibits A and B, aka Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee. These two heifers are the epitomy of annoyingness for me - Rachael for her fake-seeming peppiness, retarded laugh, lame made-up words (E.V.O.O. and Yum-O. WTF.) and for the fact that she's heir to the Martha Stewart throne IMHO; and Sandra Lee because she's a skinny flavorless bitch who promotes half-assed-ness ("Semi Homemade" = lazy.)

2) She's got a hot British accent.

And you know me and accents... especially from the UK/Ireland... yes, even women with accents are pretty hot in my book.

3) Her cooking rocks.

This is coming from Ms. Foodie herself, who goes into death throes over a fine Zinfandel and is willing to spend $250 on a chef's tasting menu at the French Laundry.

Trust me. Her cooking and food philosophies are so right on.

4) She's not afraid to eat with gusto (and mess) in front of the camera.

The way she plows into a lamb chop.... It's.... That's just hot.

5) She talks to the camera (i.e. YOU) in closeup and in hushed, secretive tones.

It's like you're in some private one-on-one cooking tutorial with you and she's divulging something that could get you and her killed.

6) She's drop dead gorgeous.

Black shoulder-length hair, creamy skin, dark eyes, and curves for miles. (BOOM! BAMM!!) If you're a straight woman and you can't at least APPRECIATE that she's attractive, then get out of my face.

gag

2007-04-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

So, last night my sister and I stop off at Baskin Robbins because we have a "buy 1 get 1 free" two-scoop sundae coupon. We happily pull into the parking lot and park right in front of the store next to a silver pick-up truck.

Now, I already have an irrational dislike of everyone who drives a pick-up due to the tool who crashed into me while I was driving a rental car and decided not to take responsibilty for it despite his admittance of fault and despite the fact that it truly and honestly was his fault which has lead to all sorts of bullshitery that I won't get into at this juncture. At any rate, I don't like pick-up trucks.

So imagine my glee when I look over and see a particularly white-trash flavored couple eating each others faces in front of Baskin Robbins. By a laundrymat. With kids around. Yeah. Thanks for the free show. Except not because it was utterly disgusting.

It seriously looked like they were trying to see who could suck out the other's soul first.

They were finally done after we got our sundaes and then, to bump up my disgust to a whole other plane, they both lit cigarettes. Trailer Park Terra then rolled down her window to let the smoke out as we were getting in the car so some followed us in. Thanks asscap.

And then they decided to drive away. They couldn't have done that like, 10 minutes before so I didn't have to be privy to their little show? If I wasn't so sure I'd get tetnus from being bitten in the ensuing fight, I would've walked to the back of the truck and started rocking it while yelling "No one wants to see that you disgusting whores!"

And to top it all off, I got home and the simp at Baskin Robbins put hot fudge on my sundae instead of carmel.

Happy Monday Bitches.

Pretty Guy of the Week

2007-04-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows him by now. He's Jake Gyllenhall. He's an intelligent and funny man who's a great actor and isn't afraid of taking shirtless pictures (and we thank him for that). I also figured he deserved his own oogling week for being Nik's ideal husband material.

Thanks to Scott-o-Rama for the pics!

Pretty Guy of the Week

2007-04-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. "Who in the name of Sweet Rolls is that?" This man, he of the most impressive man-cut, happens to be Chris Evans.

Best known for playing the completely-unlikeable-but-still-hot Human Torch in the "Fantastic Four" movies, he got his start in "Another Teen Movie" and "Cellular" with Kim Bassinger and Mo's Baby's Daddy, Jason Statham. He's done some serious work too (most talked about is a movie called "London" - there are screen caps of him running around in a towel...and making an "oh" face...). Can he act? I'm sure. But with abs and arms and eyes and lips like that, who really cares? Behold his half-dressed glory!

I dedicate this glam pic to Mo...

Big ups to Scott-O-Rama and Mrs. Giggles for the delish pics.

Bartenders Don't Always Know Best

2007-03-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

This little thread is in honor of an MSN article that we recently scoffed. Scoff along, won't you?

Bartenders’ best pickup advice
Few people have such a front-row seat to the dating and mating game as a bartender. Every night, these drink slingers watch would-be studs crash and burn, unlikely couples happily hook up, and more. Thanks to this experience, they’ve compiled a wealth of knowledge on the moves that work—not to mention those that bomb. Here, their best advice.

Try this easy opener
“I think the easiest way for a guy to start talking to a girl is to get next to her while she’s ordering her own drink and say, “That one’s on me.” Every girl will at least say thank you and if she’s interested, she’ll stick around and start a conversation.”
—Gia Favia, Rino, Chicago

Mo: That’s a pretty good one. I’d like to add that once she says “Thank you”, then you should wait until the girl introduces herself first. Because then you know that she has at least a miniscule bit of interest in you. Otherwise, if she says “Thanks” and then walks away, you know your answer. Note that the bartender who gave this piece of advice is a GIRL.

T: I agree that this is good. One of the only bits of advice that has true merit. I’d also like to note that the advice depends on where these bartenders are. Note that this girl if from Chicago. From my experiences, Chicago guys can be pretty straight-forward which girls appreciate.

Stand out with a signature drink
“For both guys and girls, the meeting and hooking-up game is all about making an impression. Sure… I think finding a signature drink helps you stand out from the pack of gin and tonics and vodka sodas. Not necessarily. Women who are sipping a bourbon definitely have a lot more mystique than one with a standard pink drink, True, I suppose… But is “mystique” really the right word? Drinks definitely say a lot about a person but, other than having a hearty tolerance or a dislike of sweet drinks, I don’t see how not ordering “the standard pink drink” really tells you a lot about a girl. just like a guy with a Manhattan seems more interesting than one with a beer. A Manhattan? That’s the gay man’s version of a martini. Napes on that. However, if he drinks a microbrew, a martini, a bourbon/scotch on the rocks, or some unfruity mixed drink that he made up himself, then that’s cool. I refer back to my 2005 study “What does a drink say about a man?” Find the drink that suits your style and personality and have a fun, cute story to go with it. Like ‘I drink Manhattans because my grandfather did.’ Um, I don’t care if your pappy drank it. You don’t. Unless you’re gay. Anything that helps you stand out from the pack and start a conversation is a plus.”
—Josh Wojcik, Chocolat Michel Cluizel, New York
”Anything that helps you stand out”? That’s scary. Next thing you know, there’ll be men all over the place wearing houndstooth Kangol hats and women with feather boas, etc. wtf. I’m sorry, but personally, if you’re doing or drinking or wearing something for the sole purpose of standing out, I can usually read that and it means you’re trying too hard. Oh, and note that the bartender giving this advice this time is a GUY.
A guy who seems to work someplace shi-shi, which means it’s full of fronters. Which means make up some bullshit story to justify the fact you like girly drinks. If you like girly drinks, fine. Just be a man and own that shit.

Stick to the three-minute rule
“From what I’ve seen, a woman’s usually made up her mind about a guy in the first three minutes—and I’ve never seen anyone’s mind change after that. So guys should go in for the pickup, but if three minutes go by and she’s not warming up, they should cut their losses and move on.”
—David Cerequas, Craftbar, New York
That’s one rule that I think is not hard and fast. Sometimes it can take a girl 5 minutes. LOL
Pretty solid advice…though I agree that 5 minutes is the topper. Also notice that Craftbar sounds less pompous than “Chocolat Michel Cluizel”.

Be sincere
“From what I’ve seen, it’s the Year of the Geeks and Good Guys: It’s not about being suave or sexy, but about being genuine and attentive. Women are tired of being hit on by jerks whose heads swivel every time another pretty girl walks by. Give a woman your undivided attention, and you’ll stand out from the crowd.”
—Terril Johnson, Shortstop, Los Angeles
Yeah, but don’t stare at her too hard or too long. Then it’s just stalker.
Best. Advice. Here. And look…he/she works at the Shortstop…(one of the most unpretentious bars you'll ever step in)

Look out for the Lemon Drop
“You can definitely spot the girls who are looking for a good time and want to flirt: They usually come in groups and line up at the bar versus at a table to make it easier for guys to talk to them. And if you see them drinking Lemon Drops — a yellowish liquid in a shot glass garnished with a lemon that’s been dipped in sugar — it’s a sure sign that these girls just wanna have fun! It’s replaced the Cosmo as the drink of choice for the Sex and the City-type girls.”
I’m one of those girls who never joined the Sex and the City bandwagon. Maybe it’s because … hmmm… I dunno… a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and if that means she wants lots of unattached sex… that’s not new, at least to moi. Yes, the Cosmo is played out, but if it’s the Lemon Drop that’s the new “hey, look at me guys, I wanna have fun!” then perhaps you should stick to the Cosmo because it’s UNCOOL and so you won’t be part of this heifer bandwagon. Just saying. Geez, just drink what you like. Unless you’re a guy and drink Cosmos. LOL
—Erica Jobe, Moda, New York I’m disappointed in you, Erica. Uncool? Yes. But it sounds like she works at the type of bar “those girls” frequent. And by “those girls” I mean drunken whores.

Try talking about your troubles
“There was one guy who got a call on his cell phone about his dog being injured by a car—it felt like every woman in the bar was trying to help him and comfort him. Now, I’m not recommending guys lie and say their pet was hurt, but the lesson here is don’t be afraid to tell a girl about a dilemma or problem you’re struggling with. Women like to help.”
—Chris Lower, Gator’s, Minnesota
Oh lord, once again I’m seeing fleeting images of men at bars around the country looking all wounded puppy (no pun intended) just so some girl can go “what’s wrong?” And he’ll say some lame-ass story just to get in your pants. NYET!!!! This ONLY happens if the girl is already into you. And even if your “predicament” is for real, most girls who are chipping in wanting to help you out are… just chipping in wanting to help you out. It often doesn’t mean that she’s creaming her jeans for you. Sorry to be rude.
Also, I don’t want somebody crying in their beer because their cat has cancer. That f’ed up and sad but I don’t want to hear about it. You’re totally harshing my gig. Stop bringing me down, man.

Be a big spender
“Splurge on a nice glass of champagne (think Cristal) Only if you’re P. Diddy or some shit like that. and send it over to the woman you’re interested in. This works better than anything I’ve ever seen. It shows a guy’s not cheap and that he’s interested enough in the girl to spend some money on her. It’s smooth, impressive—and works almost every time!” It works every time to women who are GOLD DIGGERS. If you buy me some freaking bottle of champagne – well one, I don’t like champagne – but then I’d think, “Damn, what a flosser. But whatever. HEY GIRLS, WANT SOME FREE BUBBLY????”
—Joseph Barbour, Body English at the Hard Rock, Las Vegas Notice this tool works in Vegas…

Linds: Mo, I think your amendments to the article are spot on. And since when is “be sincere” considered advice? How is that not obvious? It’s not like it’s some new fad for girls to not be into douche bags. Or maybe i’m just really far out of the loop. And, really, if you need to make a conscious effort to be sincere, then you probably shouldn’t even bother opening your mouth.And who the hell is this Erica bitch? I say boo to your lemon drop theory, girl-that-must-only-commune-with-other-slutty-bitches.

I’m going to join Linds in signing the “Just Say No to Douche Bags” bill. It’s been an unspoken rule for too long and should be made a law.

Also, I agree that if you can’t seem to say non-douchey things, then you probably are an assclown and should just not talk.

And I boo Erica for making it so that I can probably never take a lemon drop shot again. They’re tasty and now they have a stigma. Thanks, Whore McWhores-a-lot [those girls in the bar, not necessarily Erica].

Pretty Guy of the Week

2007-03-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

Today I proudly present Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, holder of the #1 spot on my Top 20 list since 1999 when I started making them. He's funny, charismatic, looks good in a suit, can work the hell out of a tattoo, and is an excellent example of what working out can do for a man.

Between him and his wife (lucky!), their kids have hit the genetic jackpot.

Shout-out to DwayneJohnsonFever.Net for the pictures. More deliciousness can be found here...

I loves me some Scotsmen

2007-03-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

Is it just ME, or are Scottish men amongst the GREATEST and AWESOMENESS specimens of male-dom on the planet?

I just came to that realization as I sat home sick the other day, bored out of my mind. I mean, besides Gerry "This is Sparta" Butler, whom any bitch that knows me, knows rules as king on my "sexy laddie" top 15, (knocking off - gasp - my long-time #1 Jason Statham) there's just a crazy number of amazing famous scotsmen out there to admire. (And thanks, Nikkia, for giving me the constant daydream in my head of rushing Gerry on campus and screaming "Gerry, it's me! Prepare for glory!")

But really, I mean, besides the fact that some of these famous highlanders are so easy on the eyes, almost all of them exude this... magnetic... addictive... charm. Is it the brisk, blustery weather? The oats? The kilts? The hundreds of years of oppression from the Brits concentrating into a whimsy outlook on life? I mean, a culture that can come up with haggis as a form of psuedo-edible and keep a straight face about it is worth a closer look, if you ask me. Ah well, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. For lo, I am well-pleased. I curtsy in your direction, my lords.

Gorgeous Scottish visions to behold:

Kevin McKidd (currently on the HBO Miniseries "Rome". GRRRRRRRR.)

Paul McGillion (Best known for his tenure in Stargate: Atlantis. Ok, given, he's technically a Canadian actor, but he was born in Scotland, so that counts, right? And look - he's representing for his birthplace with that jacket. Sometimes he can look... not so much, but in this pic, he's looking quite nice.)

James McAvoy (Don't recognize him? He was in Last King of Scotland... and The Chronic- WHAT!, etc. as Mr. Tumnus, The Faun. Rather adorable, if you ask me.)

Dougray Scott (Quite a lovely gentleman as well, don't you think? Currently doing the rounds in Desperate Housewives but best known for his roles in Mission Impossible II, Deep Impact, Another 9 1/2 Weeks, and as *sigh* Prince Henry in Ever After...)

Ewan MacGregor (Ah, Ewan, Ewan, Ewan, my darling... how far you've come since my first enlightened moments beholding your magnetic eyes as you dove into a filthy pub toilet to recover your suppository in Trainspotting.... It was enchantment ever since.)

And of course... Hee Hee Hee (MUST there be an introduction?????)

But you know, besides visions of Scottish tastiness dancing in my head, I must also represent for the amazingness - sheer AMAZINGNESS - of the Scotsmen below. Wickedly talented, horrendously humorous, and oozing oodles and oodles of charm to boot, they are the torch in the darkness, the nectar to my ambrosia, the joy amongst the bitterness, the wind beneath my wing. They are DEMIGODS in their own right, for they just *ROCK*. And THAT to me, makes them just as sexy.

Billy Connolly. (Two words: Kicks Ass. Does ANYONE remember when he had that short stint as their replacement instructor in the 80's sitcom Head of the Class? Howard Hesseman couldn't hold a candle. In fact, not very many people these days can.)

John Hannah (Truly brilliant. Truly impressive. Truly a fan, Mr. Hannah. I am sold on you. I first saw you on the big screen in Four Weddings and a Funeral and the poem scene caused two things to happen: one, I wept copious tears and two, you were immediately adored.)

Robert Carlyle (One of THE most talented sons of bitches I've ever laid eyes on. Wordless, complete respect. When I hear he's in a movie, I get *that* much more excited.)

And last but certainly not least -

Alan Cumming (This boy is too much for me to stand. He's just SCREAMING to be worshipped by me. I mean, let's go over the checklist, shall we? Talented, check. Hilarious, check. Witty beyond reason, check. Has sexy accent, check. Doesn't give a shit, check. Stylish, check. ~~Gay~~ Bisexual and loving it, check.... Sorry, Lindsay, I think I may have to beat you up for him.)

Coming soon: The Top 15 extravaganza

Men and Pants. . . Ooooh Jeans!!

2007-03-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

I did not realize when I chimed in about doing this post how much work it would be. I mean hours and hours of perusing websites filled with pics of some really HOT men. BAAABBBYYY Damn! Because I am the other "man in woman's skin" of our group, I wanted to do a Men and Pants theme for our Dos and Don'ts posts.

Being that men don't have a wide variety of apparel, tops or bottoms, I don't know how many parts there will be. With that said, let's get to my absolute favorite thing for a man to wear. JEANS!!

How a man wears his jeans tells me a little something about his mood at the time and his personality. Does he want to be understated or really stand out? Serious, yet laid back? Or laid back, yet serious? There is a difference, trust me. Fun and playful? Or dark and mysterious? I could probably do this all night.

Take this pic of Went. How he's wearing his jeans tells me. . . I've got an extremely dirty mind. Stop that Nik! *slaps hand* Seriously though, this is a good example of one of the best male ensembles ever. No matter the man's shape, a pair of jeans, an untucked button-down and a jacket can do no wrong. As long as it matches and you don't have some weird pattern fetish. Eew.

Just to prove that it is not all about Went. I give you Gary.

Okay moving on. Maybe its my generation but I always love to see a guy in a medium to dark color pair of jeans wearing gleaming white sneaks. Not tennis shoes, sneaks. Again, if a guy takes the time to actually make sure his kicks are clean and jeans are purposefully rumpled, not something he just pulled out of the hamper, then it looks effortless and oh so cute!!

I'm going to have to buy him a short set.

Sometimes just jeans will do. I have no words. Mesmerized by the pretty.

Last but not least, here are some examples of effortless jean hotness.

Tell me you don't think that's hot.

Wouldn't you like to roll around in some hay with this one? T? Maybe put you up against the barn door? Um, it's your fantasy go for it. Ha ha ha!

We could sit up all night drinking coffee and discussing existentialism. Yeah right. ;)

To be continued. . . I think.

Why Women Need to See 300

2007-03-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I went to go see 300 earlier this week after days and days of eager anticipation. Given, I'm a BOY in a woman's skin, so my reasons for wanting to see it may differ slightly from the average girl. But in any case, I highly suggest that women see this movie for a plethora of reasons, but I'll list the top 5.

Reason #5: To it's bare essence, it's a romantic story
The story is based on an ancient historic account of the battle of Thermopylae (a narrow mountain pass by the Mediterranean sea) around 480 BCE that involved about 100,000 invading Persian troops attempting to conquer the city-state of Sparta (as well as Greece in its entirety.) 300 Spartan warriors (along with about 4000 Greek allies AND Athenian naval ships poised for battle on the water) were present at the battle. The Spartans and their allies held their ground for 2 days, impressively killing vast numbers of Persians in comparison to their own light casualties. In the end, the majority of Greek warriors, including all but 2 Spartans (the 2 were sent as messengers) were killed.

Over the years, the story has changed a bit to include omitting the Athenian navy completely and lessening the numbers of Greek allies fighting alongside the Spartans. At it's barest and most romantic, the battle became a story about how 300 lone Spartans held their ground to defend everything they held dear (their land, their families, the idea of freedom and democracy) against 1 million Persians.

The movie leans towards the latter, more romantic tale. The 1 million Persians are there. The 3oo Spartans are there. But there are a few other changes including some Spartan allies, cutting the two historical Spartan warrior-messengers to one, and characters beyond mythological proportions. Keep in mind that THIS movie was based on Frank Miller and Lynn Varley's graphic novel of the same name, and so the writers and production team strived to keep it very true to the book.

With that in mind, the story is very romantic. The concepts of bravery, self-sacrifice, valour, patriotism, and yes - LOVE - are all present. (I admit that I am ACUTELY aware of this movie's release in the midst of current American/Middle Eastern conflicts and what that means, but that's a whole different post in a whole different blog.)

Despite what critics have said (there's been mixed reviews), I absolutely loved it and believed that the critics who pooh-poohed the whole thing just didn't get it. The movie is not meant to be as emotionally deep or as character-driven as they thought it should be. It's based on a GRAPHIC NOVEL, for chrissakes, and what that means to me is that the overarching CONCEPT, connection to the GRANDER SOCIAL SITUATION, and the ARTISTRY come first. Besides, I thought the characters (especially Leonidas and his queen Gorgo) were as developed as they could be, impressively within a movie that focused on battle scenes. I got what they wanted. I got what they were willing to do, what they were willing to give up. And boy howdy, if that ain't romantic, then I don't know.

Reason #4: The battle scenes
... are awesome!!!! Ok, so maybe you're not one of those girls who's into that sort of thing, but trust me. A lot of the movie's scenes were shot in slo-mo to heighten the audience's awareness of the artistry and the emotional impact. That includes the battle scenes. There's something... poetic about them. And no, they're not as disgusting or gory as you would think it to be.

Not to mention that the Spartans KICKED ASS! (Channeling my inner guy here.) But whoever choreographed these scenes ... you're beautiful, man. I'm not saying that 300 should be in the same level as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Hero; The Matrix; hell, most martial arts/action flicks, but still - it's up there in stylization.

Reason #3: I am Gorgo, hear me roar
In a time and place where women were considered inferior and subjected to the whims of their fathers and husbands, Spartan women were given a surprising amount of power and free will. They were allowed to own and control property, were taught to read and write, and were expected to be as strong and athletic as their male counterparts. Spartan women were also warriors.

Queen Gorgo was not given as much screen time as King Leonidas (and understandably so, since, yes, it is a battle movie), but her strength of character and Spartan upbringing was made apparent very quickly and continued throughout the movie. In one scene, the Persian messenger says: Who allows this woman to speak before us men? To which, Gorgo replied: Because only Spartan women give birth to real Spartan men.

There are also moments in the movie where you are given hints of how important Gorgo's opinions were to King Leonidas.

Anyway, I'm not going to give away any more, but in the end, you may love her or hate her, but either way you will RESPECT her.

Go sistah.

Reason #2: The art direction and cinematography
In their attempt to recreate the mood and artistry of the graphic novel, the production team used slow-motion photography, oversaturated detail, heightening of some aspects, softening of others, dramatic lighting, and an overall sepia-toned color theme. Just like another Frank Miller graphic novel turned-to-movie (uh... c'mon, you know which one), the movie, I thought, succeeded in capturing the book's feel. Totally loved it. Gorgeous. If anything, see this movie for the sheer beauty and visual spectacle.

Reason #1: Shirtless men
Ok, so I still haven't convinced you to go see 300? Imagine dozens of men at the peak of their physical prowess roaming the screen shiny and sweaty wearing nothing but leather loincloths and red cloaks. Eye candy. Beyond 6 packs - 8 packs! Hotness.

JUST GO.

Pretty Guys of the Week

2007-03-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm a little late with this week's poster-boy so to make up for it I give you not 1, but 2 tasty bits to brighten up your browser window:

Guy #1: Johnny Messner

If he looks familiar, it's because Mo put his picture up in her Tank Top Honorable Mention section in part 3 of her dressing guide. Also, he's been in a lot of things - "Running Scared" with Paul Walker, "Hostage" and "Tears of the Sun" with Bruce Willis, "The O.C.", the short lived but surprisingly enjoyable "Tarzan" series on the WB, "The Whole Ten Yards", "Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid" (watch it while drinking, it's pretty awesome that way...and no, I will not be making a "trouser snake" joke). Despite what some may view as some questionable projects, he's actually a good actor...and he's fine and has a gravelly voice. Good times.

Big ups to http://www.johnnymessner.net/ for the pics.
Links to more pictures:

http://www.johnnymessner.net/sc/id24.htm http://www.kclyn.com/jmo/id65.htm
http://www.kclyn.com/jmo/id57.htm http://www.kclyn.com/jmo/id17.htm
http://www.kclyn.com/jmo/id62.htm http://www.kclyn.com/jmo/id39.htm
http://www.kclyn.com/jmo/id64.htm

Guy #2: Raul Bova

He's an actor. He's hot. He was in that movie with Diane Lane about Italy and the house. He was shirtless in it. That's really all you need to know.

http://raoulbovagallery.altervista.org/

seriously though?

2007-03-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder about men sometimes. Not like "I wonder what he does for a living," or if my shaggy-haired neighbor watches too much porn (he does)...but really wonder about them. Like if they've got a screw or two loose. Or if they even had any screws to begin with. Ones that leave you thinking "is this guy for REAL?" You've had encounters like these if you've walked away from the interaction...

a) completely and utterly speechless
b) wondering if the entire species is tainted, or just this one
c) with any reaction similar to "bwa...???"

The most recent occurance of this type took place in the elevator of my apartment buildling. [arms full of groceries, just back from the gym. elevator stops on the 2nd floor, young man with grossly-oversized fake diamond studs in both ears and a tshirt that could easily fit three of me, or one morbidly obese person, steps in]

Homeboy: hey, how's it goin
me: um, all right. been a long day
Homeboy: hey man, I hear you. first day on the job
me: oh? [raises eyebrow]
Homeboy: GIRLS GONE WILD!!!!!!!!!
me: [blank stare] ...
Homeboy: i'm selling them! want a copy?
me: [continued blank stare] um...no
Homeboy: cool, cool. well take 'er easy [exits elevator]
me: ...

Guys with Girlfriends Love Me

2007-03-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

No. Not like that.

See, I’m a cool chick. And being as cool a chick as I am, one that assumes guys aren’t hitting on me and expecting nothing from them in that respect a majority of the time, I think guys realize that and therefore have no problem talking to me. I am not “a threat”. However, it seems like almost all the guys who end up talking to me have girlfriends. And while that’s fine (I don’t have as many guy friends as I used to), it can be frustrating when they’re good-looking and we get along extremely well.

But there isn’t much I can do about it. I mean, what can I do? Stop being as awesome as I am? I think not.

The “Guys Happily in Relationships” category is by far the most frustrating of the clusters of men that immediately like me. These categories are not mutually exclusive and are in no particular order:

Guys Happily in Relationships
Married? Deeply in love with your girlfriend? Never going to be single again? Then you love me. You find my awesomeness attractive and dig the fact that your girlfriend doesn’t have to worry about me trying to stick my hand down your pants or something equally scandalous.

Gay Men
I love the gays and the gays love me. I’m about 6’0, have a big rack and rock an afro every now and again. ‘Nuff said.

Guys from the East Coast
Guys from Boston especially. This also includes guys from Chicago. Yes, I know Illinois isn’t the East Coast but until I meet more guys from the Midwest, they don’t get their own category. And I only know a handful of guys from the South so no category for them yet either.

Irish Guys
I’m talking guys actually from Ireland, though the Irish-American contingent has made a strong showing as well. My great-grandmother is Irish so I figure it’s genetics.

Manwhores
I can’t exactly explain this one. Perhaps it’s because I’m a bit of a flirt? Or because I’m a little touchy-feely (hugs make the world go round!)? I do find manwhores amusing regardless so no harm, no foul.

Manwhores are a bit frustrating as well because, as cute and charming as they are, I’m a little weary of where they may have been. And by "a little" I mean a lot.

I'm also noticing another category "Men from Eastern Block Countries" - Russia, The Ukraine, etc. - is quickly picking up speed. The reason for this is also a mystery.

All I hope is that I don't continue a disconcerting pattern in my recent life and discover that all the men I end up having a crush on fit into the "I Figure Out I Like You, Then I Find Out You Just Got A Girlfriend Or Disappear Altogether" category.

Men and Shirts, The Final Chapter

2007-03-20T11:09:00.001-07:00

I hope all of you have enjoyed our wonderful foray into the world of effortless male shirt dressing. I'll be moving on to our honorable mentions, but before I do, let me remind you of our 3rd most flattering top for men, the rib turtleneck, and leave you with examples of BAD turtleneck choices:

Bad Turtleneck #1:

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Why, pray tell, did you think it was acceptable for the dresser on this photo shoot to stick you with not only a PLUM PURPLE turtleneck, but a thin, almost threadbare one at that?

Bad turtleneck #2:

Is this part of a required company softball team uniform? I dunno... I'm just... I'm sorry.

Bad turtleneck #3:

Dad? A short-sleeved MOCK turtleneck? Dad, NO!

Bad turtleneck #4:

"Oh Lars, I love you, I do... but we cannot be together. It was never meant to be. Your khaki high-waisted pants... your blue puffy mock turtleneck... with dog paw branding on the collar... it compels me... to run... run away... so far away."

And now, to close out the series, I give you my picks for Flattering Shirt Options: Honorable Mentions. These shirts are good ones in their own right, with a number of reasons why they can be flattering, however, there are also reasons why these shirts did not make it onto the top 3.

Honorable Mention Shirt #1: The short-sleeve button down:
As a cousin to the #1 flattering shirt, the long-sleeve button down, this top has so many things going well for it: It's figure-forgiving, a great casual option, and so easy to wear and coordinate with. HOWEVER, I feel that this shirt gives men an excuse to not try and that's why this shirt is relegated to the honorable mention category.

To specify, I think the majority of men out there exploit this option to the extreme, meaning that they have entire RACKS of short-sleeved shirts without a break in the monotony. Because they're so easy - they can be worn in any situation with the exception of business or formal, it gives men an excuse to not mix things up a bit in their repetoire. Although quite honestly in my opinion, a short-sleeved button down shirt should only be worn on the most casual of occasions.

Then there's the kissing cousin, the guayabera. The guayabera is latin american/carribbean style short-sleeved button down shirt, more specifically adopted by Cuba as the iconic male dress staple of the country. (In the Philippines, we have the barong tagalog which is actually wedding or special event attire.)

Guayabera-style shirts all over the place, either reflecting the traditional pattern of 2-4 pockets and alforzas (pleats) in the front, to "modern" interpretations involving things like flames or 8-balls or bowling pins replacing the alforzas. The modern styles range from pretty acceptable (good to wear during the summer and to bbqs) to downright tacky, if you ask me.

Some examples of good short-sleeved, button down shirts:

Thank you, Channing.

Thank you, headless man.

And thank you, good guayabera-wearing headless man.

Some BAD short-sleeved button downs:

A Hawaiian shirt worn ON THE JOB... I'm hoping this pic is out of context and that it was Tiki Day or something at the H&R Block.

Horizontal stripe patterned button-down shirt AND shell necklace. Just...

ok, moving on.

Honorable Mention Shirt #2: The tank top, aka wife beater
And you know, I even hesitate a bit to add this as an honorable mention. The tank top offers a guy a very delicate balance. It can look really hot on the right man in the right situation, but boy... can go so very wrong so very quickly.

Here are my rules for wearing tanks:
1) Tanks must be fitted
2) Tanks must be clean (it's sad that I even have to post this as a rule)
3) Tanks should really only be worn as an undershirt, but ...
4) They can be worn as an outershirt only under the following circumstances: when it's really hot; when you're at the beach; when you're working out; if you're working on a car or motorcycle in a stuffy hot garage.

Muscle tees are in the tank top category, and hence, must adhere to the above rules as well.

Some really good examples of tank tops worn right:

Special thanks to Nikkia for convincing her boyfriend to pose for this shoot.

Oh Ryan, that muscle shirt is doing WONDERS. Keep up with the overhead presses, darling.

Excuse me, Johnny, but before we begin, can you put out your ciga...
oooh, tattoos...

And now for the bad:

Mesh! What? NO!!!!!

Grandpa!? Beer! NO!!!!

Oh god help me, nooooooooooooooNOOOOOOOO!!!

Time for a palate-cleanser, QUICK! I don't wanna sign off on this blog like this!

...

.....

(Sigh...) Thank you, Raoul. Formally Signing off.

Speaking of which, what a good way to segue into Chapter Two of the Proper Male Dressing series. I think that Nikkia had some opinions about trousers?

Men and Shirts, Part III

2007-03-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, hoochies and gents!

Over the last few days, we revealed the top two most flattering shirt options for men, and today it's time to reveal the third most flattering top. BUT! Before I do, let's have a little romp down No-No Land, shall we?

Two days ago I showed some delicious examples of good tee-shirts. Now it's time for some examples that are... shall we say... hard to stomach.

Bad Tee Example One:

Why is this so bad, some of you may be thinking. Well, this is a prime example of how even good guys with decent style-sense can still make mistakes. Note how the shirt hangs off his well-built chest as well as the weird pocket. Hmmm. I mean, I'm all for comfort, but you can look clean and put together and be comfortable at the same time. This shirt SHOULD have been relegated to sleeping in or better yet, used to wash the car...

Bad Tee Example Two:

Wow. Okay. Ummm... I kind of have a BEEF with most graphic tees. I accept the "artistic" ones with a tasteful graphic or even the modern concert tees that are becoming more and more artistic in their own right. But if you're one of those guys who has a tee that says "insert beer here" or something like that, you're just digging you're own grave, dude. Cuz there's a difference between being funny and witty, and your clothes being funny and witty FOR you. And most of the time, these shirts (and you know which I speak of) are really not funny at all. No they're not. They're just lame... and sad. We may laugh at some off the rack, but the concept of wearing one... do you really want to be remembered as the dork who wore the "2 more beers till girl on girl action" to a party? And you wonder why all the girls are on the other side of the room...

Bad Tee Example Three:

I have no words. And if you need words, than you probably are one of the clueless 2% of the population who still owns (and wears) tie-dye.

Moving on, without further ado!

Flattering shirt option #3: The rib turtleneck
Okay, Okay, GIVEN, this is not really a shirt but a sweater style, but really, give me some allowances here. This may be just my opinion, but damn. There's something just... sexy ski lodge owner-cum-military spy-cum-ivy league new england hottie-cum European country stud about it. (I can think of SO MANY MORE turtleneck fantasies, but anyway -)

Here's some good rules I discovered through trial and error:

1) the broader or bigger you are, the wider the rib should be
2) the sweater should be not that tight, nor not that loose that it looks boxy or "swims" on you. It should sort of... "cling-skim" on the body (see photo example below.)
3) the sweater should hit from the upper to mid-hip length. Nothing higher or lower.
4) Not everyone can wear a rib turtleneck, as opposed to a button down shirt or t-shirt, and this is why it is ranked at #3. I find that turtleneck sweaters look great on guys with short or spikey hair to shaved heads. (Meow.) If your hair is longer, (going past chin-length) I think the look is still fine, but for some reason, guys with really long hair look ... eh in a rib turtleneck. I dunno why, but maybe it's just me. (Or maybe it's just because I hate long hair on guys.) Also, if you're VERY heavy or have a large stomach... find a button down shirt and focus on layering for warmth.

5) Acceptable rib turtleneck colors: Black. Charcoal grey. To a lesser extent, Heather (light) grey. Very dark brown or navy can work too, but be very careful - these two colors only look good on certain skin/hair types.

Good Examples:

Yeah.

Yeah, too.

(no words. This time, in a good way.)

But wait! you say. What if I have a short neck and turtleneck collars make me look squat? Here's a good solution:

Note the shorter collar (no turndown) and the wide rib, as well as the charcoal grey color. This is a great option, especially if you're on the heavier side. YES (sigh) it's a mock turtleneck, and 99% of the time I HATE mock turtlenecks. But this is among the gems.

You wanna see some bad mock turtlenecks? Wait until my next (and final) posting for this series.

Ta-ta for now!

Coming soon: Honorable mentions