Today = No

Every once in a while during your life a day comes by that you wished never really happened. When all is well and good, you forget that those kind of days exist - you're blissfully unaware, or choose to be unaware - because the moment you think about those days, you pray to god they never come.

Today was that day for me. Today was a CRAP DAY.

It all started at 2:30 in the morning when my housemate knocks on my boyfriend and I's door and tells us there some sort of gas leak in the house. When we come out, the house indeed smelled like gas. Needless to say, we're a bit concerned. We figure out that the gas leak is coming from our stove, and that the majority of the gas is spreading into my housemate's room. Bad times.

Two days ago my landlord comes by the house to fumigate it for roaches. Yes, another bad times, but bearable. All pilot lights and gas sources had to be turned off in the house. Off goes the heater pilot and off goes the stove's gas source... after my landlord wrenches the stove away from the wall to try and get to the switch. Let me remind you that I had to end up taking a day off during this time to prep the house and get my dog out of the building.

Take into account also that last week, I had to take a day off because I wasn't feeling well, and a week before then, I had car problems and came to work late.

So anyway, back to last night. I tell my bf and housemate (and her friend who was visiting and first smelled the gas) that the leak was from the stove and must have happened when my landlord moved the stove from the wall.

My bf calls the gas company. The gas company rep says that they can't have someone over until between 7 am and 12 pm. What do you think? Unacceptable? I think so. My bf says something like "so what are we supposed to do beforehand?" The rep's response?


"Go to another room or another part of the house."


Yeah.

We're all feeling pissed and helpless after this call. I mean, what do we know about gas? Our frame of reference is like, the scene from Fight Club... you know... KABOOOM!???

So after hanging up, my bf goes, "fuck this, I'm going to call the fire department."


5 minutes later, 2 fire trucks and 10 firefighters are at our door, all of them looking for the main gas line to turn it off. Keep in mind that this is now about 3:30 in the morning. We're irate. The fire chief is pretty irate too that he and his men had to get up at 3:30 in the morning to find and turn off a gas line. We didn't know where it was (well now we do - very helpful.) And the gas company sucks ass. Eventually they find it, turn it off, and go on their merry way. This is 20 minutes later.

We open some doors and windows and turn on some fans to get rid of the gas. My housemate and her friend decide to leave and stay at his house until the gas is taken care of the next day. (I encourage them to do so.) I ask my bf if he can stay tomorrow morning to let in the gas guy whenever he comes by. He says he can't because he has an important appointment to get his car alarm installed on his new car and he can't reschedule. I go 'fine' and realize... great... I took a day off last week, a day off the week before, a day off two days ago, and now I may have to take a half day off today. I'm going to get in trouble.

My bf and I go to bed and have a hard time falling asleep.

Oh, and my bf's sis is in town and we had to wake her up for this drama... yay.

I wake up around 7:30 am and call into work and leave a message with my colleague/supervisor about what happened and that I MAY have to come in late to work or ... even stay home again today. Of course, 30 minutes later, she calls back.

Keep in mind that she's one way cool chick, my colleague/supervisor. (and you girls know who she is.) Like... really cool. I love her. But now she had no choice. She, being professional, called me on my "pattern of absences." I note that this was difficult for her to say because she understands that life happens and sometimes that includes shit hitting the life fan. But yeah, she had to, and it sucked. I felt terrible, frustrated and pissed - at myself and at life. I never wanted her to feel like she was stuck between a rock and hard place, and now I'm sorta in trouble and also had to put her into that situation.

The gas guy arrives. He checks everything and we realize that the stove has ANOTHER pilot light we were unaware of and that we didn't relight when we turned the gas back on after the fumigation. ALL THIS BULLSHIT FOR SOMETHING THIS STUPID. I feel stupid. All of us feel stupid. Then... the gas guy gives me the company's toll free number and says "you know, we're on call 24/7. You don't have to call the fire dept., just call us and we'll be here right away if it's something as serious as a gas leak."

I call bullshit. I tell him so and let him know what happened last night. I call my bf at work and tell him what happened. The gas guy is surprised at what came to pass last night. So was my bf... to put it lightly. He calls the gas company and complains. Good thing cuz now it's on the record and the gas company rep is in trouble. hahahahaha.

So I finally make it to work and I feel like total and utter crap. But no, wait... it gets better.

I try to fill my car's gas tank on my way to work and my card isn't working. I go to my online banking site and find out that I'm $250 overdrawn....

Because I balanced my budget wrong... Now i'm also out of gas. Gasoline. (fucking gas, gas, gas. Fuck you.)



I almost break down and cry.


Yeah. Today is a crap day.

Accessories Make (or Break) The Man

We've been talking a lot about what type of clothes men should wear, but haven't mentioned anything about accessories...until now. I took a sampling of 15 items and created a survey for 5 ladies (including myself) to fill out. The answers are not given in any particular order.
This represents the general impression these accessories give us and, as we all have fairly diverse taste in men, can serve as a general guide to the pros and cons of sporting the following bits and pieces.

1. Puka Shell Necklace

Um, unless you were born and raised on an island do not wear. Or you just have some seriously hippie parents. I know some people like that.

“let’s catch some bitchin’ waves, bruh” - Surfer dude with limited intellect, or possibly just a very toolish frat guy.

Depending on the outfit, you’re from Hawaii, part of the “surf culture” or are a frat boy. If you are not from Hawaii or a surfer, it’s pretty much one of The Marks to look out for - in a bad way.

“Yo, Bra, next time we should like, TOTALLY try heli-skiing. Dude. KEGGER ON FRIDAY!!!!!!” Rating: 2 – pretty crap.

This reminds me of a guy I used to date in high school who also used to wear Hawaiian shirts. He was a tool. Enough said.

2. Kangol Cap

Depending who’s wearing it, I would say the guy is trying to be hip – although maybe a few years late in the “hip-game”? I don’t know…didn’t these come out in like, the early 90’s? I’m confused…make it stop.

“Look at me, I’m taking it back to the old skool cuz I’m so cool. And Samuel L. Jackson bit MY style, get it right.” (Starts pop-locking) Rating: 4 – leaning towards “eh.”

Again, depends on the outfit and the way it’s worn. Probably a hip-hop head…or from the East Coast maybe? Definitely worn by a guy with his own sense of style, whether it’s good or bad style is the question.

Are you tapping into your inner Mos Def, Shaft, Grandmaster Flash, or Samuel L. Jackson? No matter how hard you tap, you’ll never get there.

Oh barf, my ex-boyfriend had one of these. “look at me and how stylish I am. I have lots of style. I’m cool and stylish.” Translation: tries too hard.

3. Wallet with Chain

Then: the cute skater dude in high school with the i-don’t-care attitude, hair in his eyes, and adorable smile – I was so in love with Ian Coad.
Now: uh, welcome to the year 2007. put that shit away. What are you, seventeen?

Oh hell no.

Makes me think of greasers, skateboarders, and hipsters. Average number of tattoos for a guy with a wallet/chain is 2. It could work for some guys…and work against most.

I see black leather and a Harley. I also see long stringy unkempt hair and smell the scent of a three week old unwashed body. EEEWWW!!

“X is playing at Little Temple tonight. I’m heading over there in my ’57 chevy after I get a touch up on my Jesus tat.” Rating: 5 – it’s ok. Kind of lagging on the trends, but some guys can rock it.

4. Mirrored Aviator Sunglasses

I like these but not all men can wear them. Know who you are and act accordingly.

If combined with a pink, popped-collar polo shirt, extremely toolish.

“Lady, let me take you up to Neptune’s Net on my Goldwing. I’ve got a brand new pair of croc boots I’m just dying to break in… don’t touch the ‘stache.” Rating: 2 – just… wow.

Well, again, depending on who’s wearing these I’d think the guy most likely “bears the mark” however, I still think they’re kinda hot. Cause apparently I like assholes.

Asshole. Or Frat guy. Or both. Especially if it’s worn indoors/at night. It is The Mark. “When you’re cool, the sun always shines on you…” Will offer to bang you in a dirty men’s bathroom because they saw it on a video and if it’s good enough for half the R&B artists in the world then it’s good enough for them.

5. Big/Fasionable Belt Buckle

“I am trying to rock something so craptastic, it’s cool. Can you tell? That’s right.” Rating: 3 – craptastic or 6 – craptastically awesome, depending on the guy.

Again, depends on how it’s worn and with what. If it’s got a spinner on it, then it could be awesome in that self-aware/ironic way. Unless he’s serious, and then it’s just sad. If it’s got the Superman emblem on it, he’s a nerd on the inside if not the out.

Oh hell no. (unless he was a hot, ripped cowboy ala John Travolta in Urban Cowboy…casue then I’d say giddy up)

Just no. This is too trendy to tell you anything about the guy, except that he likes big shiny things

“I read GQ”

6. Cuff Watch

Yes, I like it. I’d think this guy was very fashionable yet masculine.

These are great when it is the only thing you are wearing that is a little cutting edge. DO NOT WEAR with the wallet and chain combo.

The man has style but isn’t trying to parade around his bank roll like some other diamond-studded watch wearers (cough *small penis* cough).

“Next time, let’s rock the 101 Diner. I’m so over the jerk chicken salad at Swingers. And … um… me and the super-tatted waitress… we had a thing back in the day and it gets a little uncomfortable. Know what I mean?” Rating: 7 – pretty decent.

This could so work depending on the guy and the style of watch. On the trendy side…though it’s not a current "hot" trend which may indicate that this is a guy who likes what he likes and will continue to wear it regardless of what mean things others may say. So, I guess that means he’s fashionable but low-key. Could also be a manwhore because I look at this watch and think of Colin Farrell - which also makes me think he will probably let you tie him to the bedpost during sex.

7. Diamond Stud Earrings

Flossy.

Definitely a man who enjoys preening his feathers. And enjoys The Bling. And I’m sorry, but white men should just…not.

“Whatcha got there baby? You shakin’ that sh_t for me, huh… yeah… You got me wanting to dance real close, dancing real close… Don’t walk away, baby.” Rating: 3 – hahahahahahahahhahaa

If he’s wearing a pair, most likely a black guy (or an honorary black guy) and/or uber-fashionable. 50% chance of ultra-manicured goatee, sideburns, or (god forbid) chinstrap beard. The bigger the earrings are, the higher the odds that they play professional sports or are a recording artist of some kind. If it’s a single earring, that’s pretty standard and doesn’t quite make much difference in the grand scheme of things. Unless it’s a nose-piercing. Then you’re a counter-culture nouveau-hippie and your name is Lenny Kravitz.

We fly high. No lie. We balling. BALLING! Cut that nonsense out right now

8. Newsboy Hat

Eh…ok I guess. Again, hats are very tricky as some guys can pull them off, and some just like stupid. If he had that who hipster-i-don’t-care-what-I-wear-yet-i-really-spent-$300-on-these-jeans-look …. Then I think this would work.

“Bitch, you know I’m too cool for all you fools.” Rating: 4 – only if you’re gay or totally hip-hop metro.

Please sir can’t I have some more?

All I can think of when I look at this particular hat is will.i.am from the black eyed peas. Guys who wear the Newsboy most likely have a collection of hats including fedoras and those knit ball cap/beanies. May have a weirdly shaped or big head and is trying to hide it. Possibly knows how to swing dance.

Wait, men actually wear these? Not just Seventeen Magazine cover models from the mid-90s?

9. Leather Cuff

I, personally, like cuff bracelets. Like the cuff watch, could be yummy depending on the guy and the type of cuff. Also, like the watch, it makes me think of Colin Farrell or Orlando Bloom which, in turn, makes me think of sex.

I sense some type of bondage fetish.

Nice. I like it. fashionable and masculine. Which is always a good thing. This is one of the few accessories a guy can get away with without looking like he’s trying too hard.

“I’m so Emo and moody. I’m so above the rest of you poor slaves to Corporate America. … But I still like to look good.”

“I’m heading to Melrose on Saturday. Wanna come? Then on Sunday night I’m gonna go see Maroon 5 play. I’ll see if I can get extra tickets.” Rating: 5 – see accessory #3.

10. "Man Bracelet"

He might be The Gay.

“Even I’m too sexy for my wrist.” Rating: 5: It’s ok, depending on the man, the bracelet style, and the situation.

Hmm. This is a bit dodgy. Could be hot…could be awful. Once again, it depends on how it’s worn and with what. As far as jewelry goes, it’s pretty manly. Makes me think of stylish football players and manwhores (not mutually exclusive designations).

Gay Gay Gay.

Is your name Guido?

11. Non-Military Dogtags

Could be hot. JT-esque to me…which is ALWAYS a good thing.

I brought one of these for my cousin one Christmas!!! In my defense his was a watch combo thingy. Really, if Uncle Sam (or your girl cousin) didn’t give it to you, don’t wear it.

I’ve yet to see anyone in real life wear these. It could work, I suppose, but my gut feeling is not so much.

“My pals and I are driving up to Lucerne Valley to go shooting. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” Rating: 1 – geez… not even REAL Military dog tags? I mean, wearing real dog tags outside of your base/tour of duty is pretty silly enough.

White trash, no two ways about it.

12. Pinky Ring

Play on playa’

“Yo, Tony, round the boys up. We’re gonna have some batting practice with Johnny behind Mel’s Pizza.” Rating: 0 - I’m not even gonna say anything.

Is your name Tony Montoya?

I must be out of the loop, because I’ve never even seen this phenomenon. Obviously whoever wears one is a Baller.

This guy is gross in one way or another. Like Aviator Guy, will ask to bang you…except this time it’s in his corvette or the coat check room since his “Uncle Paulie owns the joint”.

13. 80's Style Gold Chain

Oh hell no, again. Unless he’s chaining me up with that I don’t want any part of it…

This goes with the Kangol hat. It was the 80’s, leave it there. Unless you’re Big Daddy Kane and like to relive the glory days.

This better be for an 80’s or Pimps & Ho’s party…

He fell into a coma in 1986 and just woke up last week. Or he’s from one of those little Southern towns in which Jheri Curls and Freezes are still “acceptable” hairstyles to rock. Which they aren’t and never were.

“Uh Uh Uh, Yeah… uh… WHAT? OK!” Rating: 0 (Then Lil Jon comes up and bitch slaps him.)

14. Hemp Jewelry of Any Kind

Probably has white-boy dreads or is in a frat. 50% probability of smelling like patchouli. Owns at least 3 tie-dye shirts and has Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” on record and/or cd. Also owns a black light and 2 or more black light posters. Most assuredly smokes pot.

The outdoorsy, smokes-weed-regularly, travels through the mountains of Nepal with only a backpack, is concerned about the environment and stages anti-war protests guy.
Or, my ex Jacob.

Stoner. Or just lame. It’d be a hard call.

NO!!! It gets dirty and . . . just NO!

“Dude, Burning Man was so awesome last year. We gotta get more people out to help with our installation this time.” Rating: 2 - …. Yeah.

15. Pimp Cup

“What?! Yea-ah!”

“They only want me for my pimp juice! Ooooooo-ooooo!” Part of Lil’ Jon’s or Snoop’s crew or is named Bishop Don Magic Juan. If not, it had better be your birthday and it had better be a joke gift. Unacceptable if not used ironically.

I have no words. Rating: I… I can’t.

Who are you, King Henry the VIII? Lil Jon? Again. NO!

Seb.
{NOTE: Seb (pictured) is rad and the bass player for the kickass band known as Division Day.}

Did You Really Think My Answer Would Be Yes? Dumbass!!!!

You girls have inspired me to add a story about the madness that is dealing with the opposite sex. About a month ago a guy called, I hadn't heard from him in about two years. I first met him because I posted an ad looking for a musician to collaborate with and he answered the ad by sending me an email saying he was close to me and he'd like to meet to talk about music and songwriting and whether we could work with each other. I didn't think anything unsavory (i like that word) would happen. After several emails back and forth to set up a meeting, we decide to meet at a local coffee shop. We meet up at the shop sit and discuss music and songwriting, why we love music, the usual. A half hour goes by and its clear that he ans I do not share the same musical interests. That's cool, whatever. I wasn't terribly disappointed about it. So, during a lag in the conversation this guy decides to ask me if I was single. I tell him, yes. Then he asks me if I date married guys. I tell him, hell no. WTF is wrong with people? Really? You just come out of left field with this bullshit? What did I do besides sit there and talk to you for half an hour that made you think I'd want to fuck you? What?! Goodness. Some people. But here is the kicker, after I left the coffee shop he never called me again (he obviously isn't that stupid). Then a couple of weeks ago, I get a voicemail from him asking if I remember him and would I like to go out sometime. I sweeaaaarr!!!! I have no words. I can't go on. Dumb Ass.

Overheard in The School Cafe

Where: The cafe at the school where most of us work at.

When: This morning.

Who: Random male student to a random female student.

Scenario:
Female student is looking over the breakfast choices, hovering, looking, hovering.

Male student stands creepily close, yet behind her.

Male student finally comes up next to her after 2 minutes.

"... so... Muffin tops... rock. They should totally sell just muffin tops. Do you like muffin tops?"

Girl: "um. Yeahhh...." (walks away with just her coffee in hand.)

Pretty Guy of the Week: Sports Flavored Pretties #2

Happy Friday! So, I'm sure you've all been jonesing for your next hit of the PGOTW, and I promise you won't be disappointed. Continuing the Special Sports Edition, today I bring you: Soccer/Futbol/Football Hotties.

Before I introduce our lovely spokesmodels, let's just go ahead and get the obligatory David Beckham shots in right now:

Good times. Now, on to our show!

1) Freddie Ljungberg


At 5'8, he's not the biggest tasty morsel out there, but he's still very tasty. Hailing from Sweden, Freddie is a perfect example of how a good hair choice can move you from cute to hot in an instant.

Before:

After:

So much better. A celebrated player, Calvin Klein helped make him a household name by having him pose in his skivvies. Thank you Calvin Klein.

No really, thank you.

Click on the pictures...they get bigger...

Thanks to http://www.freddieljungbergsite.com for the pics!

2) Cristiano Ronaldo

This Portuguese hottie is the heir apparent to Beckham's British Pretty Player Empire as he plays for Manchester United when he's not on the Portuegese National Team. I don't know much about him other than that except he's prone to designer label shopping sprees and taking vacations that involve wearing little clothes. Which is all good with me.

Thanks to Rickey.Org and TowelRoad.Com for the pics!

Overhead In... (a new series)

OVERHEARD/OBSERVED IN THE MOJAVE TENT:
Saturday night at Coachella, chilling, basking in the afterglow (or was it mild heatstroke?) of Justice's just-finished set, waiting for LCD Soundsystem to come on. Lucky me, I was all the way in front. Hurrah!!

3 pretty, stupid looking, and mad skinny girls behind me. Between 18 and 24. Stylish... 2 wearing cool mens-style hats. They talk amongst themselves. They ARE stupid, geez.

1 plain, dorky looking man behind the fence. Obviously press because of his wristband. In front and to the right of me. Small beer belly. Black hair. Trying to channel Jeremy Piven obviously, and failing.

Dork man couldn't stop staring at skinny bitches. Staring. Staring.

Creepy. Say something already. I can tell he's thinking. He's thinking TOO much. The girls are way out of his league. I notice his eye is especially on the hatless, blonde one. (go fig.)

I can tell this is going to be hilarious in a sad sad way. I can't help it. I had to watch. I was between them anyway.

10 minutes pass.

Creepy.

Say Something already or don't say anything at all.

He's gonna say something.

He taps blonde hatless on the shoulder.

...





...


"So... where's YOUR hat?"


Oh NO!!!!!

And... DQ!

Girls stare at him, blinking. 3 painful seconds pass. Girls tsk tsk and shake heads slowly. One rolls her eyes. Then...

One of the girls' hatted friends puts both her arms out and does thumbs down, pumping her arms up and down blatantly in front of dork-dude.

So sad... (and yet I laugh. I'm sorry.)

Man stands there trying to save face as girls turn backs to him. He smiles a little, twitches, sips his bottle of water.

Then he quickly walks away.




What's the lesson we learned here?

The floor is now open.