Accessories Make (or Break) The Man

We've been talking a lot about what type of clothes men should wear, but haven't mentioned anything about accessories...until now. I took a sampling of 15 items and created a survey for 5 ladies (including myself) to fill out. The answers are not given in any particular order.
This represents the general impression these accessories give us and, as we all have fairly diverse taste in men, can serve as a general guide to the pros and cons of sporting the following bits and pieces.

1. Puka Shell Necklace

Um, unless you were born and raised on an island do not wear. Or you just have some seriously hippie parents. I know some people like that.

“let’s catch some bitchin’ waves, bruh” - Surfer dude with limited intellect, or possibly just a very toolish frat guy.

Depending on the outfit, you’re from Hawaii, part of the “surf culture” or are a frat boy. If you are not from Hawaii or a surfer, it’s pretty much one of The Marks to look out for - in a bad way.

“Yo, Bra, next time we should like, TOTALLY try heli-skiing. Dude. KEGGER ON FRIDAY!!!!!!” Rating: 2 – pretty crap.

This reminds me of a guy I used to date in high school who also used to wear Hawaiian shirts. He was a tool. Enough said.

2. Kangol Cap

Depending who’s wearing it, I would say the guy is trying to be hip – although maybe a few years late in the “hip-game”? I don’t know…didn’t these come out in like, the early 90’s? I’m confused…make it stop.

“Look at me, I’m taking it back to the old skool cuz I’m so cool. And Samuel L. Jackson bit MY style, get it right.” (Starts pop-locking) Rating: 4 – leaning towards “eh.”

Again, depends on the outfit and the way it’s worn. Probably a hip-hop head…or from the East Coast maybe? Definitely worn by a guy with his own sense of style, whether it’s good or bad style is the question.

Are you tapping into your inner Mos Def, Shaft, Grandmaster Flash, or Samuel L. Jackson? No matter how hard you tap, you’ll never get there.

Oh barf, my ex-boyfriend had one of these. “look at me and how stylish I am. I have lots of style. I’m cool and stylish.” Translation: tries too hard.

3. Wallet with Chain

Then: the cute skater dude in high school with the i-don’t-care attitude, hair in his eyes, and adorable smile – I was so in love with Ian Coad.
Now: uh, welcome to the year 2007. put that shit away. What are you, seventeen?

Oh hell no.

Makes me think of greasers, skateboarders, and hipsters. Average number of tattoos for a guy with a wallet/chain is 2. It could work for some guys…and work against most.

I see black leather and a Harley. I also see long stringy unkempt hair and smell the scent of a three week old unwashed body. EEEWWW!!

“X is playing at Little Temple tonight. I’m heading over there in my ’57 chevy after I get a touch up on my Jesus tat.” Rating: 5 – it’s ok. Kind of lagging on the trends, but some guys can rock it.

4. Mirrored Aviator Sunglasses

I like these but not all men can wear them. Know who you are and act accordingly.

If combined with a pink, popped-collar polo shirt, extremely toolish.

“Lady, let me take you up to Neptune’s Net on my Goldwing. I’ve got a brand new pair of croc boots I’m just dying to break in… don’t touch the ‘stache.” Rating: 2 – just… wow.

Well, again, depending on who’s wearing these I’d think the guy most likely “bears the mark” however, I still think they’re kinda hot. Cause apparently I like assholes.

Asshole. Or Frat guy. Or both. Especially if it’s worn indoors/at night. It is The Mark. “When you’re cool, the sun always shines on you…” Will offer to bang you in a dirty men’s bathroom because they saw it on a video and if it’s good enough for half the R&B artists in the world then it’s good enough for them.

5. Big/Fasionable Belt Buckle

“I am trying to rock something so craptastic, it’s cool. Can you tell? That’s right.” Rating: 3 – craptastic or 6 – craptastically awesome, depending on the guy.

Again, depends on how it’s worn and with what. If it’s got a spinner on it, then it could be awesome in that self-aware/ironic way. Unless he’s serious, and then it’s just sad. If it’s got the Superman emblem on it, he’s a nerd on the inside if not the out.

Oh hell no. (unless he was a hot, ripped cowboy ala John Travolta in Urban Cowboy…casue then I’d say giddy up)

Just no. This is too trendy to tell you anything about the guy, except that he likes big shiny things

“I read GQ”

6. Cuff Watch

Yes, I like it. I’d think this guy was very fashionable yet masculine.

These are great when it is the only thing you are wearing that is a little cutting edge. DO NOT WEAR with the wallet and chain combo.

The man has style but isn’t trying to parade around his bank roll like some other diamond-studded watch wearers (cough *small penis* cough).

“Next time, let’s rock the 101 Diner. I’m so over the jerk chicken salad at Swingers. And … um… me and the super-tatted waitress… we had a thing back in the day and it gets a little uncomfortable. Know what I mean?” Rating: 7 – pretty decent.

This could so work depending on the guy and the style of watch. On the trendy side…though it’s not a current "hot" trend which may indicate that this is a guy who likes what he likes and will continue to wear it regardless of what mean things others may say. So, I guess that means he’s fashionable but low-key. Could also be a manwhore because I look at this watch and think of Colin Farrell - which also makes me think he will probably let you tie him to the bedpost during sex.

7. Diamond Stud Earrings

Flossy.

Definitely a man who enjoys preening his feathers. And enjoys The Bling. And I’m sorry, but white men should just…not.

“Whatcha got there baby? You shakin’ that sh_t for me, huh… yeah… You got me wanting to dance real close, dancing real close… Don’t walk away, baby.” Rating: 3 – hahahahahahahahhahaa

If he’s wearing a pair, most likely a black guy (or an honorary black guy) and/or uber-fashionable. 50% chance of ultra-manicured goatee, sideburns, or (god forbid) chinstrap beard. The bigger the earrings are, the higher the odds that they play professional sports or are a recording artist of some kind. If it’s a single earring, that’s pretty standard and doesn’t quite make much difference in the grand scheme of things. Unless it’s a nose-piercing. Then you’re a counter-culture nouveau-hippie and your name is Lenny Kravitz.

We fly high. No lie. We balling. BALLING! Cut that nonsense out right now

8. Newsboy Hat

Eh…ok I guess. Again, hats are very tricky as some guys can pull them off, and some just like stupid. If he had that who hipster-i-don’t-care-what-I-wear-yet-i-really-spent-$300-on-these-jeans-look …. Then I think this would work.

“Bitch, you know I’m too cool for all you fools.” Rating: 4 – only if you’re gay or totally hip-hop metro.

Please sir can’t I have some more?

All I can think of when I look at this particular hat is will.i.am from the black eyed peas. Guys who wear the Newsboy most likely have a collection of hats including fedoras and those knit ball cap/beanies. May have a weirdly shaped or big head and is trying to hide it. Possibly knows how to swing dance.

Wait, men actually wear these? Not just Seventeen Magazine cover models from the mid-90s?

9. Leather Cuff

I, personally, like cuff bracelets. Like the cuff watch, could be yummy depending on the guy and the type of cuff. Also, like the watch, it makes me think of Colin Farrell or Orlando Bloom which, in turn, makes me think of sex.

I sense some type of bondage fetish.

Nice. I like it. fashionable and masculine. Which is always a good thing. This is one of the few accessories a guy can get away with without looking like he’s trying too hard.

“I’m so Emo and moody. I’m so above the rest of you poor slaves to Corporate America. … But I still like to look good.”

“I’m heading to Melrose on Saturday. Wanna come? Then on Sunday night I’m gonna go see Maroon 5 play. I’ll see if I can get extra tickets.” Rating: 5 – see accessory #3.

10. "Man Bracelet"

He might be The Gay.

“Even I’m too sexy for my wrist.” Rating: 5: It’s ok, depending on the man, the bracelet style, and the situation.

Hmm. This is a bit dodgy. Could be hot…could be awful. Once again, it depends on how it’s worn and with what. As far as jewelry goes, it’s pretty manly. Makes me think of stylish football players and manwhores (not mutually exclusive designations).

Gay Gay Gay.

Is your name Guido?

11. Non-Military Dogtags

Could be hot. JT-esque to me…which is ALWAYS a good thing.

I brought one of these for my cousin one Christmas!!! In my defense his was a watch combo thingy. Really, if Uncle Sam (or your girl cousin) didn’t give it to you, don’t wear it.

I’ve yet to see anyone in real life wear these. It could work, I suppose, but my gut feeling is not so much.

“My pals and I are driving up to Lucerne Valley to go shooting. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” Rating: 1 – geez… not even REAL Military dog tags? I mean, wearing real dog tags outside of your base/tour of duty is pretty silly enough.

White trash, no two ways about it.

12. Pinky Ring

Play on playa’

“Yo, Tony, round the boys up. We’re gonna have some batting practice with Johnny behind Mel’s Pizza.” Rating: 0 - I’m not even gonna say anything.

Is your name Tony Montoya?

I must be out of the loop, because I’ve never even seen this phenomenon. Obviously whoever wears one is a Baller.

This guy is gross in one way or another. Like Aviator Guy, will ask to bang you…except this time it’s in his corvette or the coat check room since his “Uncle Paulie owns the joint”.

13. 80's Style Gold Chain

Oh hell no, again. Unless he’s chaining me up with that I don’t want any part of it…

This goes with the Kangol hat. It was the 80’s, leave it there. Unless you’re Big Daddy Kane and like to relive the glory days.

This better be for an 80’s or Pimps & Ho’s party…

He fell into a coma in 1986 and just woke up last week. Or he’s from one of those little Southern towns in which Jheri Curls and Freezes are still “acceptable” hairstyles to rock. Which they aren’t and never were.

“Uh Uh Uh, Yeah… uh… WHAT? OK!” Rating: 0 (Then Lil Jon comes up and bitch slaps him.)

14. Hemp Jewelry of Any Kind

Probably has white-boy dreads or is in a frat. 50% probability of smelling like patchouli. Owns at least 3 tie-dye shirts and has Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” on record and/or cd. Also owns a black light and 2 or more black light posters. Most assuredly smokes pot.

The outdoorsy, smokes-weed-regularly, travels through the mountains of Nepal with only a backpack, is concerned about the environment and stages anti-war protests guy.
Or, my ex Jacob.

Stoner. Or just lame. It’d be a hard call.

NO!!! It gets dirty and . . . just NO!

“Dude, Burning Man was so awesome last year. We gotta get more people out to help with our installation this time.” Rating: 2 - …. Yeah.

15. Pimp Cup

“What?! Yea-ah!”

“They only want me for my pimp juice! Ooooooo-ooooo!” Part of Lil’ Jon’s or Snoop’s crew or is named Bishop Don Magic Juan. If not, it had better be your birthday and it had better be a joke gift. Unacceptable if not used ironically.

I have no words. Rating: I… I can’t.

Who are you, King Henry the VIII? Lil Jon? Again. NO!

Seb.
{NOTE: Seb (pictured) is rad and the bass player for the kickass band known as Division Day.}