We all know “That Guy” (aka This Dude aka This MothaF#(@&). He pops up whenever girls go out and makes such an unfavorable impression that he is the subject of subsequent storytelling sessions for months, if not years. In further effort to help you poor, clueless gentlemen out there in the world, I present to you a list of offenders in hopes that you never become them. P.S. If you know a guy like this, tell him to cut it out. If you are one of these guys, what the hell is wrong with you? Stop it. That Guy: The Sneak Freak
Jerk Level: 5 (out of 5)
Native Habitat: Clubs and bars where there’s dancing
Offensive Behavior: Sneaks up behind a girl he’s had no prior contact with (usually many girls as this is serial behavior) and “dances” with them – and by “dances” I mean “rubbing his junk all up on her without permission”. Because nothing says sexy like being accosted by a stranger. (That’s sarcasm.)
Assumed Purpose: To feel up on a girl and maybe, if she’s drunk enough, get her to have a one night stand.
Why It’s Offensive: First of all, having a stranger suddenly attach his crotch to your rear, accompanied by grinding motions, is just plain creepy and disrespectful. As DJ says, “Nothing’s grosser than feeling a random groin against your ass when you were just trying to get your groove on.” For the love of all that’s holy, ask a girl to dance. She’ll most likely say yes and you’ll get to grind on her anyway. Secondly, it’s a safe bet to say that Sneak Freaks are not interested in having a girlfriend and are just trying to get into the victim’s Victoria’s. Which is all fine and good, but at least pretend a little? Thirdly, we assume that a guy who does this is hideous in some way and must try to “seal the deal” before the girl can turn around and see his deformities (ex: greasy hair, gold chains, shiny shirts, etc.). And if he isn’t hideous, he’s an unseasoned manwhore and the unseasoned part makes him unworthy of your time.
That Guy: The Grabber
Jerk Level: 3 to 5, depending on location of grab
Native Habitat: Any and everywhere, especially crowded places.
Offensive Behavior: Grabs every girl he thinks is attractive that walks by him, sometimes by the arm…sometimes he grabs something else.
Assumed Purpose: To get a girl’s attention and/or cop a feel.
Why It’s Offensive: Because you don’t grab a girl if you don’t know her, and usually not even then. That’s a surefire way to get cut. Shank, shank.
That Guy: Mr. Feely
Jerk Level: Varies
Native Habitat: Wherever liquor and a “singles’ scene” meet.
Offensive Behavior: Begins touching a girl (hand on the small of the back, touching her hand, sliding hand down her arm, etc) he’s just begun talking to without any indication of it being okay. He is usually drunk.
Assumed Purpose: To indicate interest and be flirty.
Why It’s Offensive: Because, when poorly timed, it can be off-putting, even creepy. It’s that whole “too much, too fast” thing. And if excessive, it’s downright scary (especially when the guy is drunk). A girl likes to know a guy is into her, just not so into her that she must be escorted to her car by a bouncer.
That Guy: The Space Invader
Jerk Level: Varies
Native Habitat: Any and everywhere social
Offensive Behavior: A cousin of Mr. Feely, he stands far too close to a girl either while talking to her or when working up to talking to her. Normally this isn’t a problem, but there’s usually an underlying energy that makes it icky. Like, “this guy is 3 seconds away from pressing his crotch against me” icky.
Assumed Purpose: Yet another misguided attempt at flirting. Or his trying to smell her hair when she’s not looking.
Why It’s Offensive: Most people are pretty sensitive about their personal space and this is especially true when it comes to courting. It’s like those Discovery Channel/KCET specials about mating habits in the wild – if the approach is ill-timed, the suitor gets nothing. The real problem is it feels like the guy is hovering and expecting something, which does not sit well. Or, worst case scenario, it seems like the guy is going to do something creepy while we’re not looking (ruffie, air-hump for the benefit of friends who are looking, etc.) and that’s just not cool.
That Guy: The Predator
Jerk Level: 3 (can max out to 5 depending on behavior after contact)
Native Habitat: Clubs and Bars
Offensive Behavior: Lurks around a girl, watching and waiting for a long time before approaching. Has at least one other guy with him because Predators tend to travel in packs.
Assumed Purpose: To scope out a girl and her friends and devise the best method of attack/assess the competition – or else is waiting for the drinks to kick in.
Why It’s Offensive: I know that, deep down, we’re all really just animals (for some, it’s more on the surface than anyone would like). However, I think I speak for most women when I say I don’t like identifying with a wounded gazelle out on the plains that feels the piercing eyes of impending doom upon it when I’m shaking my ass to a Timbaland beat. What it boils down to is the irritation of knowing this dude is there, and has been there, and is doing nothing. We see you. We see you whispering to your friends. We see you watching us or our friends. We see you leave momentarily only to return to the same spot 3 minutes later. Don’t just stand there watching like it’s a damn strip club, you putz. Grow a pair and say something already.
That Guy: Cell Phone Larry Flynt
Jerk Level: 5
Native Habitat: Clubs, Bars, Beaches, Mardi Gras – basically anywhere there’s women, but especially where there’s women and alcohol
Offensive Behavior: Takes pictures/videos of girls’ asses, or down a girl’s shirt when she’s leaning over, or up a girl’s skirt on an escalator, etc. Always taken without the consent of the girl.
Assumed Purpose: I’m sure we all know what they’re doing with the pictures.
Why It’s Offensive: If you don’t know why, then you’re a bloody idiot and need to be slapped and/or kicked square in the nuts.
That Guy: The Attached aka “I know I’m with my girlfriend but you’re hot”
Jerk Level: 5+
Native Habitat: Social engagements of all kinds, including house parties, picnics, and outings to bars
Offensive Behavior: Is clearly already with a chick but still gives another girl the up and down. May smile at her whilst girlfriend’s attention lies elsewhere. Extreme cases have been known to make contact while girlfriend is in the bathroom.
Assumed Purpose: Um…to get stabbed by his girlfriend in his sleep?
Why It’s Offensive: Look dude, I don’t know what your relationship is with that woman you came here with, but I’m not looking to find out. Don’t use me as an excuse to break-up. Be a man and do it yourself.
That Guy: The Vulture
Jerk Level: 3 to 5
Native Habitat: Bars, Clubs, After-Hour Restaraunts.
Offensive Behavior: A more evolved (or devolved) version of The Predator, he waits until about 30 minutes before Last Call to start earnestly picking up women, most likely hoping they’ll be too drunk to say no. Barrages pick up the pace when the lights go up and he realizes he has precious little time to seal any deal.
Assumed Purpose: To wait until a girl is drunk enough to let her guard down so he can swoop in and take advantage.
Why It’s Offensive: If you really think I’m cute, come talk to me when you see me. If you think I need to be drunk to land me, float on bitch, float on.
That Guy: Mr. Persistent
Jerk Level: Starts out a 1, ends up a 5
Native Habitat: Bars and Clubs mostly, but occasionally pops up at other social gatherings like house parties
Offensive Behavior: Comes and talks to a woman but she’s not that responsive. He, however, thinks he just needs to try again so she can see how awesome he thinks he is. Woman is less responsive, more irritated. Repeat cycle ad infinitum.
Assumed Purpose: To wear a girl down until she says "yes".
Why It’s Offensive: Some women don’t like to be mean when they’re not into a potential suitor. Some men mistake this for having a chance. They’re wrong and they should go away before the woman’s friend has to come over and clown them.
That Guy: Mr. Equal Opportunity
Jerk Level: 5
Native Habitat: Bars and Clubs
Offensive Behavior: Will hit on a girl…and all of her friends.
Assumed Purpose: To increase his chances of getting lucky.
Why It’s Offensive: Focus, mother fucker. I know it’s a numbers game and all that but I don’t care how hot you are. Overtly hitting on me and even one other girl in my group is grounds for immediate disqualification. Because focus.
That Guy: Liquid Courage Guy
Jerk Level: 2 to 5, depending on the type of drunk he is
Native Habitat: Anywhere there’s alcohol and socializing
Offensive Behavior: Can’t seem to get up the nuts to talk to a girl unless he’s snuckered.
Assumed Purpose: To have the courage to talk to a girl.
Why It’s Offensive: Unfortunately for these poor bastards, being drunk and hitting on a woman usually doesn’t end well (due to the slurring and uncensored comments and such). As a general rule, men should not be allowed to say exactly what they’re thinking when talking to a woman they’re attracted to...because then you get lines like “I can’t help but thinking as you’re pouring syrup on those pancakes how much I’d like to pour syrup on your tits.” (This was actually said to me. No shit. Mo is my witness.)
That Guy: Creepy Guy aka The King of Staring
Jerk Level: 5 on account of being so damn creepy
Native Habitat: Anywhere…even where you work
Offensive Behavior: Will. Not. Stop. Staring. And usually with big buggy eyes and/or an emotionless expression on his face. Yeesh.
Assumed Purpose: Either to hypnotize a girl or see into her soul.
Why It’s Offensive: What? What’re you looking at? Why are you staring? You’re creeping me out, man. Cut it out.
4 comments:
t, this is officially your best blog yet! (and i appreciate the quote btw) :) this needs to be turned into some sort of flyer and handed out to every guy on the street. cause yeah.
I agree. Major Major HUZZAHS.
Excellent, madam!
Might I be so bold as to add one more? He's a combo of some of the men you've already described, and I've seen him in action at Twin Palms the nights they have live music. This dork will brush by a woman as he walks past her, doing that "ooh, there's barely enough room, excuse me" move...EVEN WHEN THERE IS ROOM. Frottage, anyone? Okay, I just grossed myself out.
Ah yes..."The Grazer". I'll definitely have to keep him in mind for a second edition.
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