Gentlemen.
Firstly, hats off to you. In the cutthroat world of casual dating, the task of the "first approach" generally falls on your shoulders, and most of you carry the burden well (although i could do with a little less complaining from some of you, ahem you know who you are). As such, many of us females are either unfamiliar or entirely clueless as to the inner-turmoils of approaching the opposite sex. I concede (something I'm not wont to do often) that men have it harder in this arena, and I applaud your effort and more importantly the cajones it takes to put yourself out on that flimsy limb.
Kudos.
However. I would like to pose this question to you brave soldiers. Once that approach has been made --whether you've asked a co-worker out for drinks or struck up a conversation with a girl in the grocery store line -- what is it exactly that you expect from us? I say this not to be snide or condescending, but out of a geniune desire to know the best way to handle the situation if we really aren't interested. Because sometimes, we're not.
Let it be said that while it takes tremendous courage to put yourself out there, and we can applaud and appreciate that effort -- it does not require us to reciprocate the feeling. Yes, I believe such an effort should be met with respect and, more importantly, plain good manners. Don't belittle the guy for trying, it's not like we're in the habit of making the same effort.
BUT ... Gentlemen, help me out here ... what is the best way for us to say "thanks but no thanks" ??? Is a polite decline right away the best route? Do we accept one date? And if so, how does that work? Especially if the guy thinks that the date went well and you "really hit it off" ... and meanwhile you're thinking Sorry Charlie ... how do you let him down gently? Inquiring minds want to know. Seriously.
So guys. Help a Single Girl out.
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8 comments:
Val, I'm so glad you asked. After deliberation with my fellow single males, we've come up with a "Rejection for Dummies" guide for you guys. Not that you're dummies.
And as a tangent, while we certainly appreciate the recognition and hat tip regarding the burden of making the approach, what we'd REALLY like (and what's REALLY sexy) is if you guys approach us. A wise man once said something about actions speaking louder than words...
On to the guide.
Basically it all boils down to the Golden Rule. Let me explain. Imagine yourself approaching a guy you're attracted to (if you've never done this, I suggest trying it at the next available opportunity)... now imagine he's not interested. How would you like him to break the news? A strange question, I know. But once you imagine yourself "being rejected" you can imagine how you'd like the wording to go. I think we can all agree a degree of candor, respect, and grace is in order. What the exact wording is I'll leave for you to work on. Be nice, be courteous, and be genuine. We can't hate you for that.
An addendum. If you're super nice, and you'd like to ease the ego-bruising as much as possible, I suggest using the white lie. If, say, you're out at a bar, and a guy who may not rev your engine but nonetheless looks like a good human being approaches you, try the white lie approach--
"Hey, I'm Walter. Can I get you a drink?"
(with a pleasant smile) "Oh wow, I'd like to have a drink with you, but my boyfriend would probably mind/I'm just hanging with the girlfriends tonight/I have herpes."
Basically what this accomplishes is it puts the reason for rejection on something other than him--she's taken, she's with her girls, she's contagious. The "Fail" grade doesn't land on his character, it's diverted to something extraneous by means of the white lie. He's let down easy, feels ok about himself, and you can go back to your evening.
Finally, to answer your question about "what we expect" after approaching a girl... well, we either expect to be rejected or for things to progress to a friendly conversation. We'd like to get to know you, and no, I don't mean in the biblical sense. If the woman in the grocery line turns out to be a daddy's girl with a chihuahua named Rufus and a coke habit, we're probably going to try and put as much distance between you and us.
There you have it. Now go be proactive and hit on some cute guys, eh?
and p.s. i'm a huge fan of the "white-lie" approach. while i'm a terrible liar myself, i can usually get away with this type of "lie" - which means it will/should work for most normal people who are capable of actually lying. it let's the guy down easy and you still come off as a nice person (even though we all know that's probably not the case).
Full permission granted. As always, we single men are eager to help. And Deanna... it was a pleasure meeting you Saturday night.
oh so much to say:
1. kudos val for a blog well written.
2. wylie you're response was amazing and very much appreciated. i will throw you a parade the next chance i get.
3. for reference, i've used the "i have herpes" line... it doesn't work so well. they may retort with, "well, so do i" or something equally unnerving.
okay, i didn't use it but still...just saying.
xoxo
Gina-- you can always up the ante with the disease white lie. If the guy also has herpes, try upgrading to "I also have genital warts"... if that doesn't fly, try "Actually I have Ebola and i'm due to die in 4 days."
Good luck out there,
W
I, being of a slightly different bent than a lot of guys I know, think there are two ways to think about this.
Usually, I think a girl tells you without knowing it if she's interested or not within at the very most two minutes of meeting you. If it isn't clear by then, that's kinda that. If one is paying anything resembling attention (guys, myself included, are not super great at this), there's no need to expect anything, because what you're looking for is there already.
If for some reason one can't put that together, I actually prefer being told no straight up over being given a white lie. I think white lies are real obvious and insulting. I don't know if the average guy thinks this way about it, but the minute a person thinks I'm dumb enough to buy that and would prefer to leverage that rather than talk to me as an equal, they're not worth my energy on any level. Friendville is off the table at this point. But that's just me.
I think Val hit the nail on the head when she said a girl doesn't owe it to a guy to reciprocate, but I think being being nice, of which being straight is a part, always serves. Unless the guy's a total creep, in which case mace serves a bit better.
very good points mr. bailey. i agree that it's important to pay attention to the vibe right from the beginning, however some are better at picking this up than others.
i also think the white lie is a funny thing, to only be used on certain occasions, and with certain people. i think it's best, and most successfully used, when you're dealing with a) guy in bar; b) guy in line at the grocery store or c)guy at starbucks (or any other random guy who hangs out at any other random place). but hey yeah, if you sorta know dude and are still attemtping at feeding that crap, well, that = lame.
cheers.
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