Bartenders Don't Always Know Best

This little thread is in honor of an MSN article that we recently scoffed. Scoff along, won't you?

Bartenders’ best pickup advice
Few people have such a front-row seat to the dating and mating game as a bartender. Every night, these drink slingers watch would-be studs crash and burn, unlikely couples happily hook up, and more. Thanks to this experience, they’ve compiled a wealth of knowledge on the moves that work—not to mention those that bomb. Here, their best advice.

Try this easy opener
“I think the easiest way for a guy to start talking to a girl is to get next to her while she’s ordering her own drink and say, “That one’s on me.” Every girl will at least say thank you and if she’s interested, she’ll stick around and start a conversation.”
—Gia Favia, Rino, Chicago

Mo: That’s a pretty good one. I’d like to add that once she says “Thank you”, then you should wait until the girl introduces herself first. Because then you know that she has at least a miniscule bit of interest in you. Otherwise, if she says “Thanks” and then walks away, you know your answer. Note that the bartender who gave this piece of advice is a GIRL.

T: I agree that this is good. One of the only bits of advice that has true merit. I’d also like to note that the advice depends on where these bartenders are. Note that this girl if from Chicago. From my experiences, Chicago guys can be pretty straight-forward which girls appreciate.

Stand out with a signature drink
“For both guys and girls, the meeting and hooking-up game is all about making an impression. Sure… I think finding a signature drink helps you stand out from the pack of gin and tonics and vodka sodas. Not necessarily. Women who are sipping a bourbon definitely have a lot more mystique than one with a standard pink drink, True, I suppose… But is “mystique” really the right word? Drinks definitely say a lot about a person but, other than having a hearty tolerance or a dislike of sweet drinks, I don’t see how not ordering “the standard pink drink” really tells you a lot about a girl. just like a guy with a Manhattan seems more interesting than one with a beer. A Manhattan? That’s the gay man’s version of a martini. Napes on that. However, if he drinks a microbrew, a martini, a bourbon/scotch on the rocks, or some unfruity mixed drink that he made up himself, then that’s cool. I refer back to my 2005 study “What does a drink say about a man?” Find the drink that suits your style and personality and have a fun, cute story to go with it. Like ‘I drink Manhattans because my grandfather did.’ Um, I don’t care if your pappy drank it. You don’t. Unless you’re gay. Anything that helps you stand out from the pack and start a conversation is a plus.”
—Josh Wojcik, Chocolat Michel Cluizel, New York
”Anything that helps you stand out”? That’s scary. Next thing you know, there’ll be men all over the place wearing houndstooth Kangol hats and women with feather boas, etc. wtf. I’m sorry, but personally, if you’re doing or drinking or wearing something for the sole purpose of standing out, I can usually read that and it means you’re trying too hard. Oh, and note that the bartender giving this advice this time is a GUY.
A guy who seems to work someplace shi-shi, which means it’s full of fronters. Which means make up some bullshit story to justify the fact you like girly drinks. If you like girly drinks, fine. Just be a man and own that shit.

Stick to the three-minute rule
“From what I’ve seen, a woman’s usually made up her mind about a guy in the first three minutes—and I’ve never seen anyone’s mind change after that. So guys should go in for the pickup, but if three minutes go by and she’s not warming up, they should cut their losses and move on.”
—David Cerequas, Craftbar, New York
That’s one rule that I think is not hard and fast. Sometimes it can take a girl 5 minutes. LOL
Pretty solid advice…though I agree that 5 minutes is the topper. Also notice that Craftbar sounds less pompous than “Chocolat Michel Cluizel”.

Be sincere
“From what I’ve seen, it’s the Year of the Geeks and Good Guys: It’s not about being suave or sexy, but about being genuine and attentive. Women are tired of being hit on by jerks whose heads swivel every time another pretty girl walks by. Give a woman your undivided attention, and you’ll stand out from the crowd.”
—Terril Johnson, Shortstop, Los Angeles
Yeah, but don’t stare at her too hard or too long. Then it’s just stalker.
Best. Advice. Here. And look…he/she works at the Shortstop…(one of the most unpretentious bars you'll ever step in)

Look out for the Lemon Drop
“You can definitely spot the girls who are looking for a good time and want to flirt: They usually come in groups and line up at the bar versus at a table to make it easier for guys to talk to them. And if you see them drinking Lemon Drops — a yellowish liquid in a shot glass garnished with a lemon that’s been dipped in sugar — it’s a sure sign that these girls just wanna have fun! It’s replaced the Cosmo as the drink of choice for the Sex and the City-type girls.”
I’m one of those girls who never joined the Sex and the City bandwagon. Maybe it’s because … hmmm… I dunno… a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and if that means she wants lots of unattached sex… that’s not new, at least to moi. Yes, the Cosmo is played out, but if it’s the Lemon Drop that’s the new “hey, look at me guys, I wanna have fun!” then perhaps you should stick to the Cosmo because it’s UNCOOL and so you won’t be part of this heifer bandwagon. Just saying. Geez, just drink what you like. Unless you’re a guy and drink Cosmos. LOL
—Erica Jobe, Moda, New York I’m disappointed in you, Erica. Uncool? Yes. But it sounds like she works at the type of bar “those girls” frequent. And by “those girls” I mean drunken whores.

Try talking about your troubles
“There was one guy who got a call on his cell phone about his dog being injured by a car—it felt like every woman in the bar was trying to help him and comfort him. Now, I’m not recommending guys lie and say their pet was hurt, but the lesson here is don’t be afraid to tell a girl about a dilemma or problem you’re struggling with. Women like to help.”
—Chris Lower, Gator’s, Minnesota
Oh lord, once again I’m seeing fleeting images of men at bars around the country looking all wounded puppy (no pun intended) just so some girl can go “what’s wrong?” And he’ll say some lame-ass story just to get in your pants. NYET!!!! This ONLY happens if the girl is already into you. And even if your “predicament” is for real, most girls who are chipping in wanting to help you out are… just chipping in wanting to help you out. It often doesn’t mean that she’s creaming her jeans for you. Sorry to be rude.
Also, I don’t want somebody crying in their beer because their cat has cancer. That f’ed up and sad but I don’t want to hear about it. You’re totally harshing my gig. Stop bringing me down, man.

Be a big spender
“Splurge on a nice glass of champagne (think Cristal) Only if you’re P. Diddy or some shit like that. and send it over to the woman you’re interested in. This works better than anything I’ve ever seen. It shows a guy’s not cheap and that he’s interested enough in the girl to spend some money on her. It’s smooth, impressive—and works almost every time!” It works every time to women who are GOLD DIGGERS. If you buy me some freaking bottle of champagne – well one, I don’t like champagne – but then I’d think, “Damn, what a flosser. But whatever. HEY GIRLS, WANT SOME FREE BUBBLY????”
—Joseph Barbour, Body English at the Hard Rock, Las Vegas Notice this tool works in Vegas…

Linds: Mo, I think your amendments to the article are spot on. And since when is “be sincere” considered advice? How is that not obvious? It’s not like it’s some new fad for girls to not be into douche bags. Or maybe i’m just really far out of the loop. And, really, if you need to make a conscious effort to be sincere, then you probably shouldn’t even bother opening your mouth.And who the hell is this Erica bitch? I say boo to your lemon drop theory, girl-that-must-only-commune-with-other-slutty-bitches.

I’m going to join Linds in signing the “Just Say No to Douche Bags” bill. It’s been an unspoken rule for too long and should be made a law.

Also, I agree that if you can’t seem to say non-douchey things, then you probably are an assclown and should just not talk.

And I boo Erica for making it so that I can probably never take a lemon drop shot again. They’re tasty and now they have a stigma. Thanks, Whore McWhores-a-lot [those girls in the bar, not necessarily Erica].